Dear Sheldon,
May I call you Shelly? You seem like a Shelly to me.
Hey, sorry I missed the big Bow Down Before Me And Beg For My Money fest. From what I saw on the TV it looked like a lot of fun. Especially when Jersey Fats slipped up with that "occupied territories" gaffe. My God, I almost split a gut with laughter!
That's a cool scooter you got, by the way. Is that one of those "and it won't cost you anything" deals they advertise on the late night infomercials? I know you could afford to buy one, but free stuff is free stuff. Am I right?
Look, you're a busy man--how are those Justice Department investigations of bribery at your Macau casino going by the way? Ooops. Sore spot, huh? My bad.
Anyway, here's the deal. Last Presidential election you spent about a hundred million bucks on loser candidates. I mean real losers. Newt Gingrich? Mitt Romney? I know, you being a billionaire and all, that's just a few drops in the old Clairol bucket. And this time, Yahweh love you, you seem bound and determined to do it again. Noblesse oblige, and all that.
But let's face it, Christie, Kasich, and the rest have the stench of death on them already, and it's only 2014! By 2016 they'll be so ripe, nobody will go near them. Except die hard Republicans, of course. And if you've been paying any attention at all, you know that there aren't going to be enough die hard Republicans left to elect a president of anything larger than an all white Country Club.
So here's my pitch: For millions less than you'll spend on any of them, I promise to be your candidate. I'll even convert if necessary. I mean, one set of fairy tales is pretty much the same as the other, so why not? I already have a couple of campaign slogans ready: "Israel First Last and Always!" and "A Rich SOB Paid For This Sign".
Honestly, we both know that you're going to lose again. And then pretty soon you're going to die. But until that glorious day comes along, we should have some fun, huh?
Yours truly (for a price),
B. Franklin
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