You Can Do This Or You Can Do That

You can go see Michael Moore's new documentary, Where To Invade Next, and see how intelligent, reasonable people deal with issues.

Or...

You can watch any Republican candidate talking, shouting, whining, et cetera, and see how panderers cajole drooling imbeciles into a mindless frenzy.

You choose.

Trump vs The Pope

I think the problem is fundamentally a theological one.

Pope Francis simply doesn't understand American Christianity.

Being a total asshole and yet still believing you're a good Christian is as American as apple pie.

Spurning the poor and weak, hating those who seem 'different', castigating the fallen, laughing at the suffering of others: these are all core values for many American Christians.

The amount of hatred they direct towards gays, for instance, is mind boggling.

Equally impressive is the amount of time their leaders spend on bilking the old, ill, or just weak minded out of every last penny. All for God's greater glory, of course.

After all, American Jesus ain't no wishy washy, love thy neighbor, socialist punk. American Jesus is a muscular, manly, free market, ass kicking stud!

The Pope just needs to spend more time with us, and then he'd see that Trump is representative of American Christianity in all of its magnificence.

The Voice Inside Jeb Bush's Head

"Why am I doing this? I hate this. They told me it would be easy. They told me it would be a slam dunk. We nominate you. You win the general. We're back in business! All that gerrymandering. All those rigged voting machines. Jeb, it's in the bag! It's in the bag. That's what they said.

Now, here I am. Behind three clowns. No. Four clowns. Jesus Christ. Who am I ahead of? Anybody?

And I have to ask my goddamn big brother, who is, let's face it, an idiot, to help me. Because why? Because people like him? Like him? Do any of you morons remember the glorious W years? Any of you? I say this with all the brotherly love I can muster. My big bro is an epic fuck-up. Sometimes I really regret stealing Florida for him in 2000. Because he fucking poisoned the well for me. He and Cheney.

But now, I'm married to him. I have to pretend the Iraq War was a great idea. I have to pretend that somebody else was President on 9-11. Is it any wonder I don't seem too enthused? Is it any wonder I don't have that 'fire in the belly'? Remember 'Mission Accomplished'? Try dragging that around with you. Yup, that's my brother's gift to me.

And my Mom. 'We've had enough Bushes.' Thanks Ma. Thanks loads. That was a great way to kick off my campaign. Good to know where I rate in this family.

Four clowns. Trump, Cruz, that ungrateful little prick Rubio, and the black guy. Sleepytime. What's his name? Carson? Supposed to be a doctor or something. Fuck.

So here I am down in Dixie, begging a bunch of inbred mouth breathers who are still whining about the Civil War to please, please, vote for me, y'all.

OK. We'll let it play out. There's still a few million bucks to blow through, after all. And if the good voters of the Republican Party decide they want that gasbag Trump, that oily serpent Cruz, or those other guys more than me, then fine. Just fine.

Why am I doing this? I hate this."

Some Thoughts On The Death Of Antonin Scalia

Whoopee! Good! About time!

What's that? Oh, don't speak ill of the dead, is it?

That's not really a rule, though.

It's more like a guideline. And besides, it's not in the Constitution, and we all know what a strict original intent guy Nino was...so...

Besides, when a true rat bastard prick passes, all the rules and guidelines go out the window.

Don't worry. There will be rivers of tear filled epitaphs from the usual conservative suspects.

About how wise he was, and what a defender of the "true meaning" of the Constitution.

Somehow, in all his "wisdom", he almost always managed to rule for the powerful against the weak.

Gosh, what are the odds of that happening?

The man was a bigoted SOB, but at least he knew which side his bread was buttered on.

Whatever brilliance he may have possessed, and that's open to debate, was seldom used for the good
of the majority.

He and his like minded brethren on the Supreme Court have done more to harm this country than any other justices in our history.

So, fuck Antonin Scalia.

Gee, that seems a little harsh, so for the sensitive religious types among you, how about burn in Hell, Nino...

For eternity...

Live Free Or....Oh, Never Mind

Hey what happened with all those "patriots" up in Oregon?

You know, the ones who were willing to die to face down the jackbooted thugs of the Federal government.

Cliven Bundy's kid and the halfwits who followed him. The guys who like to play dress up, misquote the Constitution, take selfies with their beloved guns, and pretend they're defending something other than their own self-interests.

Turns out one of them got shot, and that was enough for the rest of them.

Not exactly Lexington and Concord, now was it?

Why didn't all their friends and fellow travelers across this great land of ours rise up and throw off the oppressive yoke of...

Oh, never mind.

God's Glory, And All That Jazz

Let's assume for a moment, for the sake of argument, and against all available information, that there is something, somewhere, resembling God.

All powerful, all seeing, open all night.

The Big Man.

Or Big Woman, for that matter

Who can be sure, after all?

Does anyone really think that any conceivable Supreme Being would care whether either Ted Cruz or Marco Rubio believed in Him/Her/It?

Let alone whether they thanked Him/Her/It for their paltry political successes?

But, hey, let's say I'm wrong.

Sooner or later The Almighty, The Big Whatever Upstairs, will have to choose a favorite.

When that happens, one of those boys will be very, very disappointed in his Lord and Savior.

And then, trust me, there will be Hell to pay.

Huh?

There it was, screaming at me from the Huffington Post:

"GOP's Soul At Stake"

And beneath the headline were pictures of Ted Cruz, Donald Trump, and Marco Rubio.

I almost dropped my cocktail shaker.

Someone still believes that the party of Dick Cheney and W, the party of Karl Rove and Frank Luntz, the party of Sarah Palin and Ted Nugent, the party of Rick Perry and Carly Fiorina, the party of Gohmert and Trent Franks and Steve King...yes indeed, the party of Cruz, Trump and Rubio has a soul?!

The party of the Southern Strategy,  the party of "government is the problem", the party of "you lie", the party of Iran-Contra, the party of voter suppression, the party that gave us the Iraq War, the party of "fetuses are people", "money is speech", and "corporations are human", that party has a soul?

My God, what a shriveled, worthless, ugly thing it must be!

Why Anyone Cares About Iowa Is Beyond Me

Regarding where America is headed, I'm sure there must be less representative states than Iowa...

I just can't think of any at the moment--certainly none that have so much importance placed on their Presidential caucuses/primaries.

And yet, entire political careers have been and will be wrecked* because of a poor showing with the mostly white, mostly rural, mostly Christian, mostly conservative voters of this mostly inconsequential state.

I know we are essentially creatures of habit...but come on!

The Latino vote won't mean anything in Iowa. The black vote won't mean anything in Iowa. The youth vote won't mean anything in Iowa. The gay vote won't mean anything in Iowa.

And the women vote won't mean much.

Other than that, Iowa is completely representative of the American populace in 2016.

Uh huh.

*For the sake of this argument the fact that most of those wrecked careers deserved to be wrecked should be set aside.