Pre-existing conditions: We're very sorry you're sick. You have our thoughts and prayers. But, well, health insurance corporations are people, too. And, uh, you can't expect them to go broke trying to help you. So, uh, tough luck. Try to live a healthier life style...next time. Ok?
Abortion: children, especially in their fetal form, are a gift from a loving and benevolent GOD. And you don't want to piss HIM off, do you? Sorry if you were raped by someone, even a member of your own family. (Yuck.) As always, our thoughts and prayers are headed your way. But that's all we can do for you. Abortions must remain an option only for wealthy Republican women, or the mistresses of wealthy Republican men. God understands. In fact, it's in the Bible. Somewhere.
Premiums: everything costs more than it used to. Funny, isn't it? Again, you can't expect insurance company presidents, doctors, and hospitals to sacrifice their lifestyles to subsidize yours. That's SOCIALISM! We are sorry that you have to pay more, seemingly every year, for what often mounts to bare bones coverage. But that's the way the health care cookie crumbles. Remember one thing: Capitalism is the best system yet for moving money upwards. Again, we have a limitless supply of thoughts and prayers, and we gladly send some more your way.
Drugs: some drugs that cost mere pennies to manufacture can be sold for hundreds of dollars to people desperate for them. Life or death desperate. That's supply and demand at its finest! The free market at its best! Is this a great country, or what? Big Pharma Rules! Sure, you can find exactly the same drugs for much less in Canada, or Mexico, or, well, practically anywhere else in the advanced world. But you don't live in the advanced world anymore. You live in the United States. And we are headed backwards at warp speed. Wheeeee! Honestly, how un-American would it be to buy your desperately needed drugs from another country?
Medical bankruptcy: life isn't fair, in case you haven't noticed. But maybe, just maybe, if you'd worked a little harder, gone to a better college, chosen a different career, been born into a wealthy family, or simply not gotten sick, you wouldn't be in this predicament. Time to look in the mirror, chum. Again, our heartfelt thoughts and prayers are headed your way. All you have to do is ask. Oh, here's a thought: have you considered Go Fund Me?
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