Here in Arizona we really don't care that Sheriff Joe Arpaio is a cosmic joke. Civil liberties be damned, Sheriff Joe is protecting us from the rampaging hordes of dishwashers, gardeners, busboys, short order cooks, and all the rest of the low wage Mexican vampires that threaten to do, uh, something to Arizona's economy. Prop it up, maybe?
We also don't care that our illustrious governor, Jan "Chuck, tell me what to do!" Brewer, she of the wagging finger and perpetual fright mask, just appointed a man to run the State Parks Department who is, let us say, slightly under-qualified. By slightly, I mean he fit just 2 of the 7 criteria set forth by the search committee. He was, of course, chosen over someone who fit all 7. Because he had the one key qualification that trumped all the rest: he was buddies with the "Chuck" of "Chuck, tell me what to do!" But this had nothing to do with his being selected. How do we know this? 'Cause Chuck said so, and Chuck is an honorable man. Ha Ha Ha. When he isn't busy "helping" the governor, Chuck is a lobbyist for mining companies and for-profit-prisons. Ha Ha Ha again.
We certainly don't care that Brewer and her crew are doing everything they can to de-fund Planned Parenthood--despite the fact that Planned Parenthood was started in Arizona by Barry Goldwater's wife. You know, the Barry Goldwater? Mr. Arizona? The guy who used to be the patron saint for conservatives? Of course, compared to the nutjobs who call themselves "conservative" today, Barry Goldwater looks like Karl Marx.
We don't care that the state of Arizona is in a neck and neck race with Mississippi, Alabama and both the Carolinas to see who can be the most backwards. How low can you go? My money's on us.
Finally, we especially don't care that the Republicans have run the state legislature for the last 30 years or so. There is no provable correlation between this and the mess we find ourselves in. Besides, as we all know (say it with me now) "it's the liberals' fault"!
No, we really don't care. And so, we continue to elect a collection--did I say collection?--nay, a festering pile, of racists, hillbillies, flat-earthers, birthers, home schoolers, gun worshipers, Crazy Jesus Club members, out and out morons, and all-of-the-abovers. So, facts be damned, and full speed ahead!
Saturday, May 12, 2012
Tuesday, May 8, 2012
Memories
Of course we all remember when Willard Mitt Romney single-handedly saved the American auto industry. While treasonous Obama and the socialist Democrats dithered, Willard Mitt manfully took charge and brought Detroit back from certain ruin. Ann Romney is just like any working mom.
Nixon ended the Vietnam war in early 1969. He did have a "secret plan"--just like he promised in the campaign. The war didn't drag on for another 6 years and spill over into Cambodia. The Khmer Rouge never happened. Henry Kissinger is a great man.
Ronald Reagan was right about "welfare mothers driving Cadillacs." They were all that was really wrong with America, and once he got rid of them, wages rocketed skyward and the middle class thrived like never before. He correctly identified that "government was the problem" and realized that bankers and brokers always and only have the best interests of the American people at heart. His courageous actions prevented the Sandinistas from conquering all of Latin America and probably Canada, too. Ollie North is a hero.
Only the quick thinking of George H. W. Bush saved us all from being raped and then murdered by Willie Horton. Lee Atwater was a genius.
Bill Clinton was 100% right about NAFTA. No American jobs have been lost and the Mexican middle class has flourished, turning that country into a stable, safe, law abiding, first world democracy. Ross Perot didn't know what he was talking about.
After the wholly unexpected and completely unpredictable attacks of September 11th, George W. Bush brought us all together with his "compassionate conservatism" and then hunted down and killed Osama Bin Laden. Only his quick action invading Iraq prevented Saddam Hussein from destroying the world with his stockpiles of WMD's. Dick Cheney is a patriot.
Ahhh, memories...
Nixon ended the Vietnam war in early 1969. He did have a "secret plan"--just like he promised in the campaign. The war didn't drag on for another 6 years and spill over into Cambodia. The Khmer Rouge never happened. Henry Kissinger is a great man.
Ronald Reagan was right about "welfare mothers driving Cadillacs." They were all that was really wrong with America, and once he got rid of them, wages rocketed skyward and the middle class thrived like never before. He correctly identified that "government was the problem" and realized that bankers and brokers always and only have the best interests of the American people at heart. His courageous actions prevented the Sandinistas from conquering all of Latin America and probably Canada, too. Ollie North is a hero.
Only the quick thinking of George H. W. Bush saved us all from being raped and then murdered by Willie Horton. Lee Atwater was a genius.
Bill Clinton was 100% right about NAFTA. No American jobs have been lost and the Mexican middle class has flourished, turning that country into a stable, safe, law abiding, first world democracy. Ross Perot didn't know what he was talking about.
After the wholly unexpected and completely unpredictable attacks of September 11th, George W. Bush brought us all together with his "compassionate conservatism" and then hunted down and killed Osama Bin Laden. Only his quick action invading Iraq prevented Saddam Hussein from destroying the world with his stockpiles of WMD's. Dick Cheney is a patriot.
Ahhh, memories...
Friday, May 4, 2012
Russell Pearce's Kind Of Guy
Gee, what are the odds of a gun loving, white supremacist, neo-Nazi vigilante also being a mentally and emotionally unbalanced psychopathic murderer? And a Republican, to boot?
Wow. Must be astronomical.
In Arizona?
OK, maybe not so astronomical.
Wow. Must be astronomical.
In Arizona?
OK, maybe not so astronomical.
Wednesday, May 2, 2012
What Was That About Worshipping False Idols?
There it was, on the front page of the sports section of The Arizona Republic. An urgent plea for a statue of Jerry Colangelo to grace downtown Phoenix. Oh, they love them some JC at the Republic! And to be fair, compared to the other owner's of professional sports franchises that our sad metropolis has been burdened with, Colangelo would probably be the pick of the litter. But what a feeble litter!
Let's see, first you've got the Bidwill's, pere et fils, who spent years defying the NFL's concerted efforts to raise up the historically bad franchises by any means possible. Parity is the expressed goal of everything the league does. And still the Cardinals always stayed at or near the bottom. That kind of commitment to mediocrity was rewarded by a shiny new tax payer funded stadium, by the way. The new stadium increased the value of the Bidwill's family business to close to a billion dollars. This same stadium will cost well over a billion dollars of public money by the time all the bonds are paid off. But never mind that. We love our football too much to care about such things. Besides, the Cards are semi-respectable these days.
Then there's that trucking magnate who pissed away 2-300 million bucks on the Coyotes. I've never been quite sure how to pronounce his name. Is it "Moyz" or "Moyess"? I suppose "numbnuts" will do in a pinch. Of course, he had the help of the Mayor and City Council of Glendale--except when he really needed it. The Coyotes are now owned by the NHL--and heavily subsidized by the tax payers of Glendale. Services will be cut, residents will suffer, hell, the city might even go bankrupt, but you'll never take our hockey team! Never, never, never!
After nearly 40 years and no NBA championships, Colangelo himself was forced out of the Suns by Robert Sarver, he of the court-side seats, big foam finger, and crappy personnel decisions. Some people buy sports franchises thinking they are the next Mark Cuban or George Steinbrenner. Most of these people are dead wrong. Robert Sarver meet Daniel Snyder.
That brings us to the Diamondbacks, Colangelo's other noteworthy accomplishment. Yes, they did win the World Series 11 years ago. Yes, JC deserves some of the credit for it. However, he ran the team so deeply into debt with a string of big deferred money contracts (Bernard Gilkey? Really?) that it's taken them the better part of a decade to get their heads above water again. At some point, the partners who had real money invested in the team grew tired of seeing their shares diluted and showed JC to the door. Since he never had much of his own money invested, it wasn't that hard to remove him.
But then Jerry Colangelo has always been very good at spending other people's money. This has worked out very well for Jerry Colangelo, but not always so well for the people whose money he used.
So, in keeping with his modus operandi, I propose that any statue of Colangelo be paid for with borrowed money...that will never be paid back.
Let's see, first you've got the Bidwill's, pere et fils, who spent years defying the NFL's concerted efforts to raise up the historically bad franchises by any means possible. Parity is the expressed goal of everything the league does. And still the Cardinals always stayed at or near the bottom. That kind of commitment to mediocrity was rewarded by a shiny new tax payer funded stadium, by the way. The new stadium increased the value of the Bidwill's family business to close to a billion dollars. This same stadium will cost well over a billion dollars of public money by the time all the bonds are paid off. But never mind that. We love our football too much to care about such things. Besides, the Cards are semi-respectable these days.
Then there's that trucking magnate who pissed away 2-300 million bucks on the Coyotes. I've never been quite sure how to pronounce his name. Is it "Moyz" or "Moyess"? I suppose "numbnuts" will do in a pinch. Of course, he had the help of the Mayor and City Council of Glendale--except when he really needed it. The Coyotes are now owned by the NHL--and heavily subsidized by the tax payers of Glendale. Services will be cut, residents will suffer, hell, the city might even go bankrupt, but you'll never take our hockey team! Never, never, never!
After nearly 40 years and no NBA championships, Colangelo himself was forced out of the Suns by Robert Sarver, he of the court-side seats, big foam finger, and crappy personnel decisions. Some people buy sports franchises thinking they are the next Mark Cuban or George Steinbrenner. Most of these people are dead wrong. Robert Sarver meet Daniel Snyder.
That brings us to the Diamondbacks, Colangelo's other noteworthy accomplishment. Yes, they did win the World Series 11 years ago. Yes, JC deserves some of the credit for it. However, he ran the team so deeply into debt with a string of big deferred money contracts (Bernard Gilkey? Really?) that it's taken them the better part of a decade to get their heads above water again. At some point, the partners who had real money invested in the team grew tired of seeing their shares diluted and showed JC to the door. Since he never had much of his own money invested, it wasn't that hard to remove him.
But then Jerry Colangelo has always been very good at spending other people's money. This has worked out very well for Jerry Colangelo, but not always so well for the people whose money he used.
So, in keeping with his modus operandi, I propose that any statue of Colangelo be paid for with borrowed money...that will never be paid back.
Monday, April 30, 2012
Mitt Romney's Advice To The 99%
"Sorry my friends, but, to quote Thomas Hobbes, most of your lives will be 'solitary, poor, nasty, brutish and short.' Next time try to be born rich. It worked for me."
Thursday, April 26, 2012
The Hollow Man
Willard Mitt Romney doesn't want to tell you what he'll do if he's elected President. He wants it to be a big surprise! Until then, you'll just have to trust him...
However, a few of Mitt's Big Ideas have leaked out:
So say goodbye to the Department of Education. Mitt's kids went to private schools, and that's how it should be. A good education is for the elite, after all. The rest of you won't need it. Really, what would you do with it? The more you know, the more angry and depressed you'll be when you end up with a job in the service industry. And who wants that? Besides, this whole concept of giving every child a chance just reeks of socialism. It was bad idea and we'll be much better off without it.
Ditto the EPA and the Department of Energy. Bad air and water are the price a free society must be willing to pay. Regulations stifle business and business is what America is all about. Remember, like Mitt is fond of saying, "corporations are people, my friend." And they are bigger, richer, people than you'll ever be, so shut the fuck up, OK? That 'life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness" bullshit gets in the way of unfettered capitalism. As do alternative energies and mass transit. Gas and oil were good enough for your grandad and grandma and they'll be good enough for you, too, until the very last drop is wrung from the earth. So hop in that Hummer and let's roll!
Adios Medicare. We'll give you a voucher instead. It won't pay for much--but at least you won't have to suffer through the degradations of socialized medicine. Besides, if you have money, the American health care system is the best in the world. Or at least the most expensive. And they're the same thing, right? Poor people will just have to get used to dying early. If you can't afford to pay for your healthcare that's your problem--not mine. And certainly not Mitt's. That "brother's keeper" stuff is a load of crap you tell the saps to get something from them. Besides, once you see what Mitt and his boys have in mind for Social Security, you'll quickly realize that you'll be better off dead anyway.
Ah yes, Social Security. Haven't you heard? It's going to go bankrupt real soon! Better do something. Uh, let's see. Means test? No--not fair to wealthy people. And we must be fair to the wealthiest or else they won't create all of those jobs we keep hearing about. OK. Raise the salary cap? No, couldn't do that either. You keep trying to take more money from the rich and things will get ugly fast. What do you want, class warfare? No, the only possible solution is to give all of your Social Security money to Mitt's friends on Wall Street. They're the experts after all.
Mitt has many more surprises in store for you regarding the SEC, equal pay, the minimum wage, child labor, freedom of choice, Iran, immigration, student loans, the Post Office, and oh gosh, a whole bunch of other stuff, but you'll just have to wait for them...and trust him.
However, a few of Mitt's Big Ideas have leaked out:
So say goodbye to the Department of Education. Mitt's kids went to private schools, and that's how it should be. A good education is for the elite, after all. The rest of you won't need it. Really, what would you do with it? The more you know, the more angry and depressed you'll be when you end up with a job in the service industry. And who wants that? Besides, this whole concept of giving every child a chance just reeks of socialism. It was bad idea and we'll be much better off without it.
Ditto the EPA and the Department of Energy. Bad air and water are the price a free society must be willing to pay. Regulations stifle business and business is what America is all about. Remember, like Mitt is fond of saying, "corporations are people, my friend." And they are bigger, richer, people than you'll ever be, so shut the fuck up, OK? That 'life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness" bullshit gets in the way of unfettered capitalism. As do alternative energies and mass transit. Gas and oil were good enough for your grandad and grandma and they'll be good enough for you, too, until the very last drop is wrung from the earth. So hop in that Hummer and let's roll!
Adios Medicare. We'll give you a voucher instead. It won't pay for much--but at least you won't have to suffer through the degradations of socialized medicine. Besides, if you have money, the American health care system is the best in the world. Or at least the most expensive. And they're the same thing, right? Poor people will just have to get used to dying early. If you can't afford to pay for your healthcare that's your problem--not mine. And certainly not Mitt's. That "brother's keeper" stuff is a load of crap you tell the saps to get something from them. Besides, once you see what Mitt and his boys have in mind for Social Security, you'll quickly realize that you'll be better off dead anyway.
Ah yes, Social Security. Haven't you heard? It's going to go bankrupt real soon! Better do something. Uh, let's see. Means test? No--not fair to wealthy people. And we must be fair to the wealthiest or else they won't create all of those jobs we keep hearing about. OK. Raise the salary cap? No, couldn't do that either. You keep trying to take more money from the rich and things will get ugly fast. What do you want, class warfare? No, the only possible solution is to give all of your Social Security money to Mitt's friends on Wall Street. They're the experts after all.
Mitt has many more surprises in store for you regarding the SEC, equal pay, the minimum wage, child labor, freedom of choice, Iran, immigration, student loans, the Post Office, and oh gosh, a whole bunch of other stuff, but you'll just have to wait for them...and trust him.
Saturday, April 21, 2012
Little Man With A Gun
When you look at Florida's "Stand Your Ground" law closely, you begin to realize just how difficult it will be to convict George Zimmerman of anything.
The law, which was of course championed by the NRA, is designed to make it easy to shoot people who are "threatening" you.
Even if you are not protecting your home or property.
Even if you started the altercation.
Even if the police advised you not to get involved.
Even if you shoot a person who is only armed with that lethal combination of Skittles and ice tea.
Oh yeah, and as far as actually being in a "life threatening situation", well, we'll just have to take Mr. Zimmerman's word for it.
Because the other person involved is dead.
The law, which was of course championed by the NRA, is designed to make it easy to shoot people who are "threatening" you.
Even if you are not protecting your home or property.
Even if you started the altercation.
Even if the police advised you not to get involved.
Even if you shoot a person who is only armed with that lethal combination of Skittles and ice tea.
Oh yeah, and as far as actually being in a "life threatening situation", well, we'll just have to take Mr. Zimmerman's word for it.
Because the other person involved is dead.
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