Thursday, April 26, 2012

The Hollow Man

Willard Mitt Romney doesn't want to tell you what he'll do if he's elected President. He wants it to be a big surprise! Until then, you'll just have to trust him...

However, a few of Mitt's Big Ideas have leaked out:

So say goodbye to the Department of Education. Mitt's kids went to private schools, and that's how it should be. A good education is for the elite, after all. The rest of you won't need it. Really, what would you do with it? The more you know, the more angry and depressed you'll be when you end up with a job in the service industry. And who wants that? Besides, this whole concept of giving every child a chance just reeks of socialism. It was bad idea and we'll be much better off without it. 

Ditto the EPA and the Department of Energy. Bad air and water are the price a free society must be willing to pay. Regulations stifle business and business is what America is all about. Remember, like Mitt is fond of saying, "corporations are people, my friend." And they are bigger, richer, people than you'll ever be, so shut the fuck up, OK? That 'life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness" bullshit gets in the way of unfettered capitalism. As do alternative energies and mass transit. Gas and oil were good enough for your grandad and grandma and they'll be good enough for you, too, until the very last drop is wrung from the earth. So hop in that Hummer and let's roll!

Adios Medicare. We'll give you a voucher instead. It won't pay for much--but at least you won't have to suffer through the degradations of socialized medicine. Besides, if you have money, the American health care system is the best in the world. Or at least the most expensive. And they're the same thing, right? Poor people will just have to get used to dying early. If you can't afford to pay for your healthcare that's your problem--not mine. And certainly not Mitt's. That "brother's keeper" stuff is a load of crap you tell the saps to get something from them. Besides, once you see what Mitt and his boys have in mind for Social Security, you'll quickly realize that you'll be better off dead anyway.

Ah yes, Social Security. Haven't you heard? It's going to go bankrupt real soon! Better do something. Uh, let's see. Means test? No--not fair to wealthy people. And we must be fair to the wealthiest or else they won't create all of those jobs we keep hearing about. OK. Raise the salary cap? No, couldn't do that either. You keep trying to take more money from the rich and things will get ugly fast. What do you want, class warfare? No, the only possible solution is to give all of your Social Security money to Mitt's friends on Wall Street. They're the experts after all.

Mitt has many more surprises in store for you regarding the SEC, equal pay, the minimum wage, child labor, freedom of choice, Iran, immigration, student loans, the Post Office, and oh gosh, a whole bunch of other stuff, but you'll just have to wait for them...and trust him.

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