Dear Bashar,
How are you? I am fine.
Look, no point beating around the bush, I have to ask you a big favor.
A friend of mine, code name Numbnuts, is in a pickle:
Americanski are beginning to figure out what happened in last election. This is not good for Numbnuts.
So, he needs distraction.
Would it be OK if he attacks one of your airfields? Shoots a few cruise missiles, beats his chest, rallies the more simple minded of his people, etc etc.
Have you ever seen movie "Wag The Dog"? It's good movie. I admire that DeNiro. The Jew Hoffman is good, too. And Woody Harrelson shows surprising dramatic depth. But I digress.
Of course you would be given advance warning of where and when so nothing important gets blowed up. Probably you get airfield operational again in a few hours. We are prepared to help if necessary.
So, it's a win win. Numbnuts gets to act like leader, you get to rail against Americanski aggression, Americanski defense contractors get to bill government for replacement cruise missiles, stock holders make a profit, Americanski newscasters get to put on trenchcoats and use their serious voices, and Americanski people get to be distracted from Numbnuts' treasonous activities.
And, naturally, Numbnuts won't do anything more until he clears it with me.
Thanks in advance. You're a good friend.
Regards to Mrs. Assad and all the little Assads.
Your pal,
V.
PS if you need any more Sarin gas, just ask. We have plenty!
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