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Friday, February 8, 2019

How To Become A Fundamentalist

It's really very simple.

First, hit yourself in the head. Repeatedly. Over and over and over again. Use a hammer--if you can figure out how a hammer works. Try running at full speed toward a tree, or concrete wall. Lower your head before impact. Repeat.

You may be just a little woozy by now. Double vision and blood oozing from your nostrils and ears are possible side effects. Don't worry.  Do not be deterred. Stay the course. You're getting there!

Now, tie a piece of rubber tubing around your neck. Tightly. You need to cut off the blood flow to your brain completely. Feel a little light headed? Good! Again, don't worry about damaging your brain. After all, you won't be using it anymore. Your autonomic systems will still work fine. Probably.

When you come to, if you come to, you're ready to be a fundamentalist!

So grab your Bible, or your Quran, or just some old issues of The National Review, and get bizzee!

(These same methods can be used to create Trump supporters, too.)

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