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Sunday, February 17, 2019

The Orange Old Deal (notes from a Republican think tank)

Ok. We all agree that this Green New Deal nonsense is a nonstarter.

For one thing, it's Progressive. And we're against progress. Always remember that. It's our operating principle.

Progress leads to fairness. Fairness is antithetical to everything we stand for. After all, fairness is the root of socialism. YIKES!

But we have to offer an alternative with a catchy name.

So...The Orange Old Deal:

Forget wind and solar and bio fuels. We're going to burn coal until there's not a lump of coal left. Because 30,000 coal miner jobs are much more important than the 350 million other American lives. (Let alone all of those billions of foreigners. Foreigners are so...foreign.)

Same thing applies to oil, by the way. Drill Baby drill! Remember, climate change is a liberal myth. Or a Chinese plot. You choose. The Koch brothers will be happy to fund you either way.

Fetuses are sacred. Guns are even more sacred. Health care isn't a right. Russia is our friend. Collusion is not a crime. Black people are dangerous. So are brown people. So are educated people. Especially educated women.

Looks like we are going to need to build a lot of walls.

Social Security will work better after we give all that money to Wall Street. We promise.

A living wage is whatever your boss says it is. You're lucky to have a job. So shut up and get to work.

Anything else?

Oh yeah. Always remember to wear your flag pins. Now repeat after me: We Love This Country So Much!

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