The Art Of The Deal...Explained By Donald J. Trump

OK. So the most important thing in any deal is that we make money. And when I say we, I mean ME. I make money.

First thing: Don't bring up morality. I don't know from morality. In fact, I don't know anything about morality. I know money. And money is completely amoral.

So, if we can get Saudi Arabia, for instance, to buy a bunch of weapons, a bigly amount, billions of dollars worth, does it really matter how many journalists they dismember? No, it does not. Because, believe me, I get a cut, no pun intended. Off the top, too. I know that some people are saying that the Saudis are using the weapons we sell them to murder the people of Yemen even as we speak. So what? I don't even know where Yemen is. Anyway, if the Yemenis can get some cash together, we'd be happy to sell them weapons, too.

And, if Israel also buys a bunch of weapons, who cares how many Palestinians they displace and/or kill? How many weapons have the Palestinians bought from us? NONE. That's how many. Again, I make sure I get a cut, one way or another.

If I could figure out a way to sell weapons to the Russians and Chinese and North Koreans and even the Iranians, I would in a New York minute! You better believe it. Their money is just as good as any other country's.

Remember, nothing lasts forever, and long term alliances are just begging to be broken. Ask my ex-wives.

Just One Question For Trump Supporters

I'm tired.

You're tired.

We're all tired.

If you're not tired of Donald J. Trump, there is something very, very wrong with you.

So, the question for Trump supporters is: "What does he have to do to lose your support?"

He lies constantly. He lies at an unbelievable rate.  10,000 provable lies and counting since his inauguration. That doesn't seem to bother you.

He violates the Constitution every day. Every fucking day! That doesn't seem to bother you.

He has NO discernible positive achievements as President. His entire Presidency has consisted of the aforementioned lies and appeasing various dictators, who are apparently his role models for governance. That doesn't seem to bother you.

He just admitted that he will willingly collude with foreign governments during the next election. And he has done absolutely NOTHING to stop foreign governments from meddling in said election. That doesn't seem to bother you.

So, what does he have to do to lose your support?

He lies, he cheats, he steals, he disregards the law, he commits something that looks very much like treason on a regular basis, and still you support him.

Is demonizing people with brown or black skin worth that much to you? You'd let our country be dismantled just to punish "them"?

Wow.

Dear Jared And Ivanka

Hi Jared! Hi Ivanka!

You seem like nice kids.*

But some of your choices, which to sane people appear to be the actions of complete hypocrites and ethical pygmies, lead me to the conclusion that somewhere along the way you got off track. Like the song says, "one step forward and several million steps back."

This was not your fault.

After all, you were both raised by career criminals. Your fathers represent the lower depths of humanity. Pere Kushner went to jail for his actions. And Pere Trump? Good God, where to begin with him? In a just world he would've been sitting in solitary confinement somewhere for the last 30 years. Apparently your mothers were too busy shopping to give you any moral guidance at all. #SAD

Is it any wonder you behave the way you do? No it is not.

In fact, it would be a miracle if you'd turned out to be anything but what you are.

Again, this was not your fault. 

But, as Goering said at the Nuremberg Trials, "let's put all this ugliness behind us, ok?"

I offer this as a friend. All good things must end, and it's time for you to leave Washington. Trust me, if you stay, things will only get uglier. You have no idea how ugly.

I'm worried about you and your well being. Think of your "reputations". Think of your children. Start making a list of possible aliases. You can use the same first initials if it helps save on monogramming. Joe Kramer and Ida Tusk? Jerry Kimble and Iona Thimble? Plastic surgery might be a good idea, too.

Do not go back to New York city! They do not want you. They do not need you. It will get really uncomfortable the moment you show your faces anywhere in the Big Apple. You are both delicate creatures. Especially you, Jared. And, should you somehow avoid prison sentences, NYC is the last place on earth you want to be.

So where should you go?

I'm thinking either Moscow, Beijing, Jerusalem, or Riyadh.

You have friends there, don't you? Or, if not exactly "friends", people with similar interests.

If you need help packing, I'm only a phone call away.

Yours,

B. Franklin

(*I'm lying here. It's a rhetorical device. They actually seem like truly awful people.)