Hi Jared! Hi Ivanka!
You seem like nice kids.*
But some of your choices, which to sane people appear to be the actions of complete hypocrites and ethical pygmies, lead me to the conclusion that somewhere along the way you got off track. Like the song says, "one step forward and several million steps back."
This was not your fault.
After all, you were both raised by career criminals. Your fathers represent the lower depths of humanity. Pere Kushner went to jail for his actions. And Pere Trump? Good God, where to begin with him? In a just world he would've been sitting in solitary confinement somewhere for the last 30 years. Apparently your mothers were too busy shopping to give you any moral guidance at all. #SAD
Is it any wonder you behave the way you do? No it is not.
In fact, it would be a miracle if you'd turned out to be anything but what you are.
Again, this was not your fault.
But, as Goering said at the Nuremberg Trials, "let's put all this ugliness behind us, ok?"
I offer this as a friend. All good things must end, and it's time for you to leave Washington. Trust me, if you stay, things will only get uglier. You have no idea how ugly.
I'm worried about you and your well being. Think of your "reputations". Think of your children. Start making a list of possible aliases. You can use the same first initials if it helps save on monogramming. Joe Kramer and Ida Tusk? Jerry Kimble and Iona Thimble? Plastic surgery might be a good idea, too.
Do not go back to New York city! They do not want you. They do not need you. It will get really uncomfortable the moment you show your faces anywhere in the Big Apple. You are both delicate creatures. Especially you, Jared. And, should you somehow avoid prison sentences, NYC is the last place on earth you want to be.
So where should you go?
I'm thinking either Moscow, Beijing, Jerusalem, or Riyadh.
You have friends there, don't you? Or, if not exactly "friends", people with similar interests.
If you need help packing, I'm only a phone call away.
Yours,
B. Franklin
(*I'm lying here. It's a rhetorical device. They actually seem like truly awful people.)
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