Holding a large revival meeting of slobbering, hysterical, boobs in Florida seems somewhat problematic right now, so let me suggest some other sites for the Republicans:
Moscow
Riyadh
The Vault At A Deutsche Bank Branch
Any KKK Clubhouse
A Dumpster
A Dumpster On Fire
A Garbage Barge
A Very, Very, Deep Hole
A Carnival Cruise Ship Somewhere In The South Atlantic
The Ballroom Of The Titanic
Nuremberg
Hitler's Bunker
Hell
Thursday, June 25, 2020
Sunday, June 21, 2020
The First American Freedom
Forget about religion, assembly, a free press, or bearing arms.
Ditto for life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Take a good look around, and you'll see that the ur-American freedom is the freedom to be a complete, fucking, idiot.
That is the only possible explanation for Trump and his MAGAt followers.
And their little "protests".
And their little guns.
And their refusal to wear masks or social distance or believe in science in general.
It can all be traced back to their little, malfunctioning brains.
Ditto for life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Take a good look around, and you'll see that the ur-American freedom is the freedom to be a complete, fucking, idiot.
That is the only possible explanation for Trump and his MAGAt followers.
And their little "protests".
And their little guns.
And their refusal to wear masks or social distance or believe in science in general.
It can all be traced back to their little, malfunctioning brains.
Thursday, June 11, 2020
Thank God For Our Hillbillies
Think how advanced we'd be as a people, as a nation, if we hadn't had our hillbillies digging in their heels, and slowing us down every step of the way.
We'd have universal health care, a guaranteed living wage, rational gun control, justice for all-- regardless of skin color, a burgeoning green economy, and equal opportunity for all of our citizens.
But we can't, because our millions of hillbillies want it to be 1856...forever.
And when I say hillbillies, I don't just mean people with a handful of teeth, living in a shack, married to a cousin and eyeing their daughters, somewhere in the Ozarks or the Appalachians.
No, I have it on very good authority that there are hillbillies throughout this great land of ours. In our Congress, in very expensive condos in NYC, in well guarded mansions in Silicon Valley, in state houses and judges' chambers across the land, hell, even in the White House!
We'd have universal health care, a guaranteed living wage, rational gun control, justice for all-- regardless of skin color, a burgeoning green economy, and equal opportunity for all of our citizens.
But we can't, because our millions of hillbillies want it to be 1856...forever.
And when I say hillbillies, I don't just mean people with a handful of teeth, living in a shack, married to a cousin and eyeing their daughters, somewhere in the Ozarks or the Appalachians.
No, I have it on very good authority that there are hillbillies throughout this great land of ours. In our Congress, in very expensive condos in NYC, in well guarded mansions in Silicon Valley, in state houses and judges' chambers across the land, hell, even in the White House!
Tuesday, June 2, 2020
Cadet Bone Spurs Takes Charge!
Him was scared!
The evil demonstrators frightened him!
Him cowered in his bunker!
The fires frightened him!
Him was even too scared to tweet!!!!
But then, from somewhere in the rotting orange husk of his flabby body where, in a human, the heart would normally be, he summoned what passes for Cadet Bone Spurs' courage, and he called for the military!
HIS military!
And suddenly he was Truman dropping the H-Bomb, Nixon bombing Cambodia, Reagan--The Lion of Granada, W. invading the wrong country!
He was all of them and even more...or less, depending on your point of view.
And a grateful nation will once again rest easy.
As the cops and soldier boys happily roam free through the streets of America, shooting whomever they'd like.
Because, let's face it, many of them signed up for just this kind of opportunity.
And, like they say, let God sort out the guilty from the innocent.
The evil demonstrators frightened him!
Him cowered in his bunker!
The fires frightened him!
Him was even too scared to tweet!!!!
But then, from somewhere in the rotting orange husk of his flabby body where, in a human, the heart would normally be, he summoned what passes for Cadet Bone Spurs' courage, and he called for the military!
HIS military!
And suddenly he was Truman dropping the H-Bomb, Nixon bombing Cambodia, Reagan--The Lion of Granada, W. invading the wrong country!
He was all of them and even more...or less, depending on your point of view.
And a grateful nation will once again rest easy.
As the cops and soldier boys happily roam free through the streets of America, shooting whomever they'd like.
Because, let's face it, many of them signed up for just this kind of opportunity.
And, like they say, let God sort out the guilty from the innocent.
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