Mitt Romney's Advice To The 99%

"Sorry my friends, but, to quote Thomas Hobbes, most of your lives will be 'solitary, poor, nasty, brutish and short.' Next time try to be born rich. It worked for me."

The Hollow Man

Willard Mitt Romney doesn't want to tell you what he'll do if he's elected President. He wants it to be a big surprise! Until then, you'll just have to trust him...

However, a few of Mitt's Big Ideas have leaked out:

So say goodbye to the Department of Education. Mitt's kids went to private schools, and that's how it should be. A good education is for the elite, after all. The rest of you won't need it. Really, what would you do with it? The more you know, the more angry and depressed you'll be when you end up with a job in the service industry. And who wants that? Besides, this whole concept of giving every child a chance just reeks of socialism. It was bad idea and we'll be much better off without it. 

Ditto the EPA and the Department of Energy. Bad air and water are the price a free society must be willing to pay. Regulations stifle business and business is what America is all about. Remember, like Mitt is fond of saying, "corporations are people, my friend." And they are bigger, richer, people than you'll ever be, so shut the fuck up, OK? That 'life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness" bullshit gets in the way of unfettered capitalism. As do alternative energies and mass transit. Gas and oil were good enough for your grandad and grandma and they'll be good enough for you, too, until the very last drop is wrung from the earth. So hop in that Hummer and let's roll!

Adios Medicare. We'll give you a voucher instead. It won't pay for much--but at least you won't have to suffer through the degradations of socialized medicine. Besides, if you have money, the American health care system is the best in the world. Or at least the most expensive. And they're the same thing, right? Poor people will just have to get used to dying early. If you can't afford to pay for your healthcare that's your problem--not mine. And certainly not Mitt's. That "brother's keeper" stuff is a load of crap you tell the saps to get something from them. Besides, once you see what Mitt and his boys have in mind for Social Security, you'll quickly realize that you'll be better off dead anyway.

Ah yes, Social Security. Haven't you heard? It's going to go bankrupt real soon! Better do something. Uh, let's see. Means test? No--not fair to wealthy people. And we must be fair to the wealthiest or else they won't create all of those jobs we keep hearing about. OK. Raise the salary cap? No, couldn't do that either. You keep trying to take more money from the rich and things will get ugly fast. What do you want, class warfare? No, the only possible solution is to give all of your Social Security money to Mitt's friends on Wall Street. They're the experts after all.

Mitt has many more surprises in store for you regarding the SEC, equal pay, the minimum wage, child labor, freedom of choice, Iran, immigration, student loans, the Post Office, and oh gosh, a whole bunch of other stuff, but you'll just have to wait for them...and trust him.

Little Man With A Gun

When you look at Florida's "Stand Your Ground" law closely, you begin to realize just how difficult it will be to convict George Zimmerman of anything.

The law, which was of course championed by the NRA, is designed to make it easy to shoot people who are "threatening" you.

Even if you are not protecting your home or property.
Even if you started the altercation.
Even if the police advised you not to get involved.
Even if you shoot a person who is only armed with that lethal combination of Skittles and ice tea.

Oh yeah, and as far as actually being in a "life threatening situation", well, we'll just have to take Mr. Zimmerman's word for it.

Because the other person involved is dead.

Win Win

Aging musical afterthought Ted Nugent, who is, in order of importance, a draft dodger, a guitarist, a bow-hunter, and a newly minted supporter of Willard Mitt Romney, says that if "Obama is re-elected I'll be dead or in jail this time next year."

Where I come from we call that a "win win."

Some Old Shit

Slimy Dick Cheney, the Ur "chickenhawk", now armed with a new heart but still handicapped by a sclerotic brain, shriveled soul, and the moral compass of a sewer rat, says that President Obama has been an "unmitigated disaster to the country."

Well, if there's anything the Dark Lord Cheney has a working knowledge of, it is unmitigated disasters. He has been neck deep in so many of them:

Iraq war anyone? Well, at least Halliburton and Blackwater made out well. It would have been easier and cheaper to just give them the keys to the Treasury.

Energy policy created by oil companies? Sure, why not? We all know Global warming is a liberal conspiracy. Drill baby, drill!

US security leading up to September 11th? Sorry, more important matters to attend to. Gotta cut taxes on millionaires and billionaires.

If you go back far enough, you can even find Cheney cheer leading for Iran Contra. Killing innocent poor people for fun and profit is apparently his raison d'etre. Oh, not in person of course. Wouldn't want to get his hands dirty.

The child is father to the man as they say. As a young man, Cheney wasn't against the Viet Nam war--he was only against serving in the war. "Other priorities" is the phrase he used to justify his many student deferments.

To be clear, Dick Cheney is a war criminal. I don't believe in torture, but in his case I'd be willing to make an exception.

At this point, after such a distinguished career in public life, the most patriotic thing Dick Cheney could do would be to just shut up and hang himself.

Signor Baseball's 2012 AL Preview

Crack open a case of your favorite beverage, and let us debate the social, ethical, and legal ramifications of the designated hitter rule. It's time once again for Signor Baseball's AL preview:

EAST: The home for the elderly, infirm, and incredibly wealthy otherwise known as the New York Yankees creaks into yet another season. Hell, their bat boy is in his 50's. One of these days, this will come crashing to the ground with a thud. But not this year. In what looks to be the great Mariano Rivera's swansong, they'll have at least enough left in the tank to grab one of the wild cards. Tampa will probably take the division. The Rays have a more reliable set of starters than the Yanks and their starting lineup is a decade younger across the board. Now, if they just had some fans...In Boston Bobby Valentine will keep everybody entertained with his patter and disguises as the Red Sox Nation slowly discovers just how much they miss Theo Epstein and Terry Francona. I don't see them falling off the face of the earth, but the Blue Jays will be hot on their heels. Once again, Toronto is good--just not good enough. They are becoming the Glenn Close of MLB. And in Baltimore, those Oriole fans with extremely long memories can fondly recall when they had great teams. For the rest of us, well, there's always the crab cakes.

CENTRAL: Detroit, Detroit and Detroit again. The Tigers have opened up a talent gap and I don't see any of the other teams anywhere close to them. They have pitching, they have power, they have a good, solid manager. Unless the injury bug hits early and often they should have it wrapped up by July. The Indians and Twins need everything to go right to catch them. And really, when has everything ever gone right in Cleveland and Minnesota? Kansas City is much better than they were a couple of years ago. That doesn't necessarily make the Royals good, though. Just better. And the White Sox may win more games than the Cubs--which would make them the champions of Chicago at least.

WEST: The Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim (what a stupid name) have spent like, well, like the New York Yankees of the Bronx. Billionaire owners can do that. Filthy largesse will get the Angels into the playoffs--but it may not be enough to win the division. Down in Rick Perry's Republic of Texas, y'all, the Rangers are still loaded and probably very bitter about the last two World Series. That could go one of two ways: either they channel their rage into another strong run for the pennant, or they start bickering with each other and, despite a ton of talent, fall apart. I'm guessing the former. Whichever team doesn't finish in first should have a lock on one of the wild cards. Look for another long season in both Seattle and Oakland. The Mariners still have Ichiro and a couple of pitchers. Not nearly enough in this division. Moneyball was a great movie. Unfortunately, Billy Beane's methods aren't a secret anymore. Everybody is looking for those kind of "hidden value" players, and as a result, Oakland is once again just another small market team trying to compete--but ultimately merely serving to develop talent for other, richer franchises. Oh well, win or lose Chez Panisse is only a short drive away. Bon appetit!

Signor Baseball's 2012 NL Preview

OK, so it's a little late...but slip on your sliding pads and move the coffee table, 'cuz it's time for Signor Baseball's 2012 NL preview:

EAST: Phillies are too loaded not to win. They have more than enough pitching to overcome any offensive deficiencies--even with Utley and Howard banged up. On the other hand, they had great pitching last year, too. And they spent the World Series at home. Like the Yankees, just winning the division isn't enough anymore. Sometimes, that kind of pressure takes its toll. The Marlins should pass the Braves for one of the wild cards. If for some reason they don't, at least Ozzie Guillen will provide plenty of colorful copy for the folks in south Florida. [Not even a week into the season and already Ozzie's mouth has gotten him in trouble. I thought everybody knew that you can't say anything even remotely positive about Castro in south Florida without a shit-storm of angry Cuban ex-pat backlash. I guess being run out of your own country and then spending the next 50 some years whining about it makes folks bitter and short tempered.] Atlanta, which never seems to slip too much, still has a chance at the other wild card. If Strasburg stays healthy, the Nationals will be competitive every fifth day. Who knows, with a few breaks maybe they can hang around until August. The Mets are just sad, sad, sad, again. But at least they won't be going into receivership.

CENTRAL: Even without the great Pujols the Cards have enough talent to win again. The Reds and Brewers will have to settle for being in the wild card mix. Chicago will be better, just probably not good enough yet. But give Theo Epstein enough time and money and miracles can happen--even with the Cubs. "Hope springs eternal" and all that. Who knows about the Pirates? The mystery that is A.J. Burnett brings his psychological side show to the banks of the Allegheny. With a few breaks, Pittsburgh could be a .500 club this year. And if St. Louis stumbles, this may be one of those years where a little above .500 is enough to stay in the Central race until the bitter end. Once again, the Houston Astros look like a good, solid AAA club. 44 years ago, I toured the Astrodome, which was then called the 8th Wonder of the World. Today it is abandoned and falling apart. Talk about your metaphors for life.

WEST: Diamondbacks are favored, but I'm not convinced that their starters can duplicate last year. After Kennedy I have my doubts. If they falter, and the touted young arms in the farm system can't fill the gaps, Arizona could easily fall behind San Francisco. The Giants have a lot of pitching but don't look like they'll be able to score many runs. Just like when they won the Series a couple of years ago. Weird stuff like that happens all the time in baseball. Both teams will have a shot at one of the wild card slots. As always, the Rockies will score mucho runs, but, as always, don't have much pitching. LA has a handful of all-stars, but the Dodgers don't look strong enough overall in any department to contend. $2 billion doesn't get you as much these days. However, Magic Johnson doesn't like to lose, so look for them to fill the gaps asap. And win or lose, Vin Scully is still the gold standard. Finally, San Diego is a great place to spend the summer.

Stoner Dude

So it turns out that Rick Perry, R-Death Penalty, was apparently under the influence, as they say, of some powerful pain killing narcotics, when he was running for the Republican presidential nomination.

Well, that certainly would explain a lot.

Not regarding the positions he set forth, mind you. Sober or not, I'm sure he still strongly believes in all of that crap. You know what they say, "once a corporate whore, always a corporate whore."

But the rambling, incoherent, slipshod way he presented them--that we can blame on the dope.

Glad we got that cleared up before the inevitable run in 2016 or 2020.

Rick "Just Say No" Perry. Has a nice ring to it.

Original Sin

Can we at least agree that, unregulated and left to their own devices, corporations would destroy America?

Oh, they wouldn't mean to.

Because they love this country. Not enough to pay taxes, but still...

No, they wouldn't mean to, but as the man said "stuff happens".

Despite what Willard Mitt Romney and some members of the Supreme Court might think, corporations are not people. They are essentially profit driven, amoral entities.

And an amoral entity can only be expected to act in an amoral fashion. Also, when money becomes synonymous with speech, the entire concept of "freedom of speech" is stood on its head, because those with the most money get to talk the loudest and the longest.

The end result is that patriotism, love of country, the American Dream, and all the rest of our cherished foundational myths, are reduced to the level of advertising catch phrases, designed solely to sell us something--or someone.

For Trayvon Martin