The Romney Way To Economic Recovery

If you're ever feeling unreasonably optimistic about the future, just read the letters to the editor in The Arizona Republic and it'll bring you right back to reality.

The other day, for instance, they published a letter from a man who sang the praises of Willard Mitt Romney's offshore accounts. This guy is convinced that the ability to hide money from the IRS in the Cayman's, Bahamas, and Switzerland proves Willard's economic bona fides. In his mind Romney is an economic genius and the country--our country--would greatly benefit from just that kind of financial acumen.

Wow. Normally I'd dismiss this guy, in the vernacular of my Irish forebears, as just "another fookin' ijit." But apparently many people share his belief in the Mastery of Mitt. So let's take a closer look:

Since Romney made a lot of his money by hollowing out companies, off-shoring the jobs, firing American workers, looting pension funds, and ultimately burdening the remaining shell company with millions of dollars in debt, all while raking in huge management fees for him and his Bain Capital buddies, I'm wondering what a United States run under those principles would look like...

First of all, any job that can be sent overseas will be. The Federal government will be run out of a call center in Bangalore. And if those Indians get uppity, bang, we move it to Indonesia, just like that.

The only remaining American industries will be Defense contractors. Naturally, we'll need more wars to use all that cool, expensive stuff. Iran anyone? How about Russia and China, too?

Now, you unemployed folks needn't worry about the solvency of Social Security, or Medicare anymore. Most of you won't live long enough to benefit from them anyway. See, Mitt will do away with what's left of the safety net, welfare, food stamps, OSHA, the EPA, the FDA--all of those burdensome regulatory agencies that bother his billionaire backers. We'll have bad air, bad water, unclean food, unsafe roads and bridges, and low wages. Some of those diseases we thought we had eradicated will make a curtain call, too. Cholera, polio, tuberculosis--maybe even smallpox! But at least you won't have the Feds buggin' you man! It'll be a real "free market" paradise. You'll see.

Of course, it's not all bad. On the plus side for progressives, you can say goodbye to most, if not all, of the Red States. They take more from the Federal government than they give, which means they under perform. And Mitt knows what to do with under performing assets.

So sayonara y'all! 147 years after the Civil War, Dixie will finally get its wish!