Thursday, September 15, 2016

Straight From The Horse's Ass

Things we know about Donald J. Trump, either because he or one of his mouthpieces told us:

He is the healthiest person ever to run for the Presidency. Forget the puffy face and the rolls of fat. Forget the orange complexion and the "hair". Forget the ill fitting, overly large suits and the body mass index reminiscent of the Pillsbury Doughboy. Forget the fondness for fast food. Donald J. Trump is the healthiest person ever to run for the Presidency and he has a note from his gastroenterologist to prove it. Why does someone that healthy need a gastroenterologist? Fuck you.

Let's take it one step further. Donald J. Trump is the healthiest human being ever. Jack LaLanne was a pussy compared to The Donald. Tri athletes are limp wristed wankers compared to Donald J. Trump. He will outlive us all. That old joke about cockroaches and Keith Richards being the only things to survive a nuclear holocaust? Well, add Donald J. Trump to that distinguished list. In fact, put him at the top of it! (If you want to add a joke here about a Trump presidency probably causing the nuclear holocaust, feel free.)

He has a great brain. This hasn't been confirmed by any outside source. And it certainly hasn't been confirmed by any of his actions or statements. So I guess we'll just have to take his word for it. But hey, this is America and we don't really trust bright people anyway, so...Donald J. Trump has a great brain. In fact, it is a yooge, great brain. The best.

Donald J. Trump is very classy.  Look at the gilded gold chairs he sits in when he deigns to talk to the masses! What says class more than gilded gold chairs? Nothing, you classless bastards. It's wasted on you.

He will build a yooge, great, wonderful wall along our southern border to keep the rampaging bands of Mexicans out of our once great but now sad country. He will make the raping, drug dealing Mexicans pay for it! If they refuse to pay, then Donald J. Trump as Commander in Chief of our armed forces will force them to pay. Same thing with those scofflaw NATO countries that aren't pulling their weight. And Japan, too! Donald J. Trump has asked the highly intelligent question "why can't we use our nuclear weapons?" As President, unlike that weakling Obama or Crooked Hillary, Donald J. Trump will answer that question with a resounding "BOOM!"

Donald J. Trump will make America Great Again. Now, don't get carried away--we won't all have gilded gold chairs. Donald J. Trump had to work very hard with his yooge great brain to get those chairs.

First he had to inherit millions of dollars from his racist father. Then he had to consort with his racist father's Mafia buddies to do some of those "deals" of which he is so proud. Then he had to bring in non-union Polish immigrant construction workers to build his fabulous tower. Then he had to go bankrupt a few times to keep his hard earned money out of the hands of those greedy subcontractors who obviously did substandard work on the wonderful, classy, yooge Donald J. Trump projects that they-and they alone--fucked up. None of this was Donald J. Trump's fault. Then he had to buddy up with some Russian, uh, businessmen. You know, the ones with maybe a few prison tattoos. Then he had to outsource his classy clothing line to China because, well, it's a hell of a lot cheaper and that means more money for Donald J. Trump. He did all of this. What did you do? Well, whatever it was, it pales in comparison.

How will that kind of behavior make America Great Again? Don't get bogged down in the details. Donald J. Trump will make America Great Again simply by being Donald J. Trump.

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