Help Wanted

All good things must come to an end, and so it is with Jon Kyl's time in the Senate. Kyl, who must have an anteater somewhere in his ancestors, (Close your eyes. Now picture Kyl. Then picture an anteater. Now try and tell me that I'm wrong), has announced that he won't be running for re-election in 2012. After the flood of tears and great cries of lamentation died down, the speculation began about who could fill those impossibly large shoes.

On the the Republican side of the ledger Jeff Flake, Trent Franks, Ben Quayle and Grant Woods were amongst the names mentioned. Flake is Rand Paul Lite, who doesn't believe the federal government really has a purpose; Franks is a birther loon, who isn't smart enough to figure out what the federal government's purpose is; and Quayle is a silver spoon cipher, trading on the family name for his own purposes. Since all of these qualities are very attractive to the typical Republican primary voter, there's no telling who might have the edge. It would probably come down to who could a) raise the most money and b) pander the most to the Russell Pearce crowd. Bristol Palin, anyone?

Woods, who wouldn't stand much of a chance in a Republican primary because a) he's not a raving nut and b) he doesn't suffer fools gladly, should consider ditching the GOP once and for all and running as an Independent. He's always struck me as being a centrist at heart (which makes him almost a liberal in Arizona), has bona fides with the Latino community, and can think on his feet. This makes him attractive to a lot of independent voters, the remaining handful of moderate Republicans, and the realpolitik Dems who realize that they're probably not going to get their guy elected anyway, so they might as well stop the inevitable loony bin Tea Party pandering Republican candidate if they can. (The only truly viable Democrat I can think of would be Gabby Giffords--if she's completely healed and decides she wants to run. Even then I don't think she'd be the favorite in the general election. Better for her to wait until McCain retires or expires.)

Of course there is another option that would save us all a lot of time and trouble. Based on the very short list of Kyl's senatorial achievements, an empty suit would be an adequate replacement. Oh, don't get me wrong, it would have to be an expensive, well tailored suit. I'm thinking dark blue, with a light pinstripe, and extremely large and deep pockets.