Friday, May 20, 2011

End Times 'R Us

Apparently the world is going to end tomorrow night. Why am I always the last person to hear about these things? What, you didn't think it was important enough to tell me earlier? You didn't want to bother me?

Here I thought we had until 2012 before the big Mayan gong sounded and we're all vaporized. But no, it's tomorrow. On a Saturday, too, just to ruin your weekend...

Word of our impending doom comes from, you guessed it, a crazy old white male Christian. Big surprise there, huh? I'm not going to waste any of my precious time googling his name, but suffice it to say he's made millions of dollars frightening the other hillbillies. "The earth will be rent apart, the righteous dead will rise up to heaven, the unsaved will be thrown into the sulfurous pit and blah blah blah."

The Reverend Whatchamacallit has made this prediction once before, and when it didn't come true then, he blamed some faulty calculations he'd made. This reinforces my belief that we need to do something about Senior Adult education in this country. To give him the benefit of the doubt, reading the entrails of a goat has never been an exact science. However, this time he's gone through the Book of Revelations with a fine tooth comb and an Aramaic to English dictionary, and he's sure of his dates, so I suppose that means I'll be seeing most of you in Hell very soon. You know who you are.

However, before any of the unpleasantness starts, I'm off in search of the best Bordeaux I can find and a well marbled, medium rare ribeye, and yes I do want both sour cream and lots of butter with my baked potato and two scoops of ice cream with my pie, and what the hell, a large, strong Irish coffee to relax with afterwards. Our time is short and precious, but I do have one last word for you--just in case the world does end tomorrow: Don't waste a minute of your remaining few hours seeing the latest Pirates of the Caribbean movie. It is quite simply one of the worst movies I've ever seen and believe me I've seen some bad ones. And you sure don't want to start either the Rapture or Eternal Damnation with that piece of crap being one of your last memories of earth. Millions of dollars, loads of talented people and no one remembered to write a coherent, entertaining story. When Keith Richards has the best line in a movie you know something has gone terribly wrong. And Johnny Depp has wrung every last drop of charm out of Captain Jack Sparrow and it's well past time to put him to rest. But really what difference does any of that make? The world is ending time for rewrites.

Anyway, it's been fun and I hope you get whatever you prayed for...adios.

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