Dear Mitt,
Hey Mr. 41%, you know I don't answer prayers, right? I think by now that should be obvious to everyone.
Most of what happens just happens, and Life goes on...so stop begging. It's unseemly.
Mitt, we all have burdens in life. Things we have to overcome. That's what makes it interesting. But Rick Santorum? Really? Really?! Take a good look at him; now take a good look at yourself. Now tell me why on earth are we still talking about him? The man is batshit crazy, Mitt. That cat has more ethical and intellectual shortcomings than the Arizona Legislature! You are running against a moron and you can't take him down! After a year of this crap, almost 60% of your party still prefers Anyone But Mitt. If it weren't so funny it would be kinda sad.
It's been a gas, though, watching you stumble around the country, saying the most inane, bizarre, and totally inappropriate things. "The trees in Michigan are just the right height." What does that even mean? Trees are growing all the time, numb nuts. That's what they do. You can look it up. Dude, to be blunt, you are one of the biggest fuck-ups I've ever seen! And trust me, I've seen a lot of weird, weird, shit in my time. The ancient Egyptians alone would fill a library. I'm omniscient and I still haven't figured out where they got some of that stuff...
But it's the 21st Century, for Christ's sake, and I thought you guys had evolved a little bit. Guess I was wrong.
So, long story short, no Mitt, I can't help you. Like Prince says, "in this life you're on your own." Here's a thought: Maybe you should try another line of work. Because you're obviously not very good at this one. However, if it's any consolation, everybody up here does find you endlessly entertaining. And that ought to count for something.
Peace, etc
God
PS Do you know anyone than can get me Springsteen tickets?
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