What Mitt Romney Really Wants To Say To The American People

What lies do you want me to tell? Honestly, I don't care anymore. What little moral character I had is long gone, along with any ethical sense I might have once, fleetingly, possessed. I'm tired, very tired. So, just tell me what you want to hear, and I'll oblige.

How about this one: The President isn't a true American. You like the sound of that one? I know you do.

By the way, he's also, and I'm sure some of you haven't even noticed this, because we're not like that, a black man. A child of Ham, and accursed, at least until 1978, according to my faith. I was 31 in 1978. Fully formed, as it were, and well grounded in my beliefs and the beliefs of my forefathers.

Speaking of lies, what about this one: I have no intention of overturning Roe v Wade. I know some of you still believe me when I say that. I love you, you simple trusting, true Americans. And I love women, especially. In fact, I come from a religion that loves women so much, that for a long time we allowed male members to marry bunches of them. A religion that realizes that women need to be protected from themselves, and their inherent weakness, by strong, devout men. My wife Ann understands that, and she has a dancing horse. Do you have a dancing horse? I didn't think so.

This President, who doesn't love our country, is undeniably black, and probably wasn't even born here, has colluded with foreigners, Italians, to send good American jobs overseas. Maybe your job is next. Think about that.

Now some of you may have heard people saying that I made a lot of my money by shipping jobs overseas. Those people are liars. They simply don't understand how business works. They aren't as rich as I am, either. They trust in things they call "facts". Friends, you and I both know that you don't need "facts" when you have faith. Have faith in me. I love you. I love this country.

I love this country so much, that I am willing to sacrifice all of my self-esteem, abase myself in front of people like Rupert Murdoch, Rush Limbaugh, Grover Norquist, lie and cheat and steal, say and do ANYTHING, to be elected President of this country that I love so much.

Can the child of Ham say that? No, he cannot.

Behold, I have come to you on a White Horse to save you from democracy and yourselves!

Believe in me and the power of my righteousness and everything will be alright!