Monday, January 6, 2014

The Best News I've Had All Year!

Sometimes, in the deep gloom of winter, as we huddle around the fire and pray for the return of the light, a miracle happens...

Today I learned that faded action film "star" Steven "Yes, This Is Really The Way I Run" Seagal has announced that he might, might, consider throwing his hat--and possibly his hair with it--into the ring for the governorship of Arizona!

Seagal, no dummy he, has been palling around with Sheriff Joe Arpaio--a.k.a. America's Toughest Sheriff--a man whose performance in office has cost the taxpayers of Maricopa County tens of millions of dollars in wrongful death and wrongful arrest suits. He has observed the ongoing wonder that is Governor Jan "Chuck, Tell Me What To Do" Brewer. He has read the profound statements issued by Tea Party darlings Trent Franks, David Schweikert and Paul Gosar. And he has realized that there are no qualifications to hold public office in Arizona.

So why not him? And, since Hollywood can be so cruel to the rapidly aging especially when they are untalented, why not now?

This is exactly what I've been waiting for.

You see, Arizona has been stuck at 47 or 48 in the rankings of horrible states for way too long. God knows we aren't going to go up to number 1 ever or even break into the top 25.

You wanna know why? Way too many Midwesterners move here. And they don't care about the arts or education or good jobs or healthcare or mass transit or the environment. No, they just want a little sun before they die. And low taxes. And to get away from "them", of course. The dreaded  "other".

So they come here, live off their Social Security, relying on Medicare to keep them alive a little longer, all the time whining about the "damn Federal gubmint", while stuffing themselves with Mexican food as they complain about Mexicans. Ironic, ain't it?

Anyway, while we can't ever hope of getting better, there is a real possibility that we can get worse. Much worse. And Governor Steven Seagal--with the help of our inestimable Klown Kollege legislature--is just the man to do it.

Mississippi and Alabama and South Carolina better watch out. 'Cause we're coming for them!

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