Here's a fun new drinking game: Every time Chris "Hardballs" Matthews mentions his book about Jack Kennedy drink an entire fifth of Irish whiskey!**
**for a truly authentic experience, use bootleg whiskey.
Thursday, January 19, 2012
Monday, January 16, 2012
"Still The Best Decision I've Ever Made"
Proving once and for all that wisdom does not come with age, the other day John McCain insisted that choosing Sarah Palin as his running mate in 2008 was "still the best decision I've ever made."
Of course, in this case "best" is a relative term. It does not mean good or excellent or wise or any of those positive, productive things. It just means that in comparison to all of the other decisions he's made, this was the "best" of them.
Therefore, using that as a parameter, and as someone who has lived in Arizona whilst John "Maverick" McCain has served our poor, benighted state as a Congressman and Senator I am forced to agree.
In fact, the more I think about it, choosing Sarah Palin as his running mate in 2008 was a wonderful decision for the country and the world. It guaranteed that an unstable, intellectually stunted, bitter old man was not elected President of the United States.
Of course, in this case "best" is a relative term. It does not mean good or excellent or wise or any of those positive, productive things. It just means that in comparison to all of the other decisions he's made, this was the "best" of them.
Therefore, using that as a parameter, and as someone who has lived in Arizona whilst John "Maverick" McCain has served our poor, benighted state as a Congressman and Senator I am forced to agree.
In fact, the more I think about it, choosing Sarah Palin as his running mate in 2008 was a wonderful decision for the country and the world. It guaranteed that an unstable, intellectually stunted, bitter old man was not elected President of the United States.
Thursday, January 12, 2012
An Open Letter From God Himself to Willard Mitt Romney
Dude, face it, people just don't like you that much! I don't know why.
Of course, being omniscient and all that, I should know why, shouldn't I? Hmmm. I think the problem is that it's such a pervasive, ongoing and obvious thing that I really haven't given it much thought. Some things just are the way they are, you know? The sun goes up, the sun goes down, people think you are a dick.
Anyway, I have a whole cosmos to watch and I'm sorry Mitt, but you aren't even in my Top 10.
However, since you keep asking, I will offer up a couple of educated guesses. Could be the way you switch positions to suit whatever the prevailing mood is. People don't like that. Makes you seem like an opportunistic asshole. Also, try not to be so goddamn condescendingly smug. People don't like that either. Maybe cut back a little on that shit eating grin of yours, too. Trust me, it's creepy.
By the way, I don't think it's because you're a Mormon. Although I have noticed that, except for those wacky Scientologists, folks seem to like their superstitious claptrap to be a few thousand years old at least and the LDS is what, 160 or so? So maybe that is it. But hey, as I always say, believe whatever you want. It's all mumbo jumbo as far as I'm concerned...
Just remember this: if one of you is my child, then you're all my children, and let's leave it at that, OK?
Anyway, try a few of my suggestions and if they don't work, it might be that there's just something about you that inherently pisses people off. It happens sometimes.
Oh, one last thing. Despite what some professional athletes may think, I really can't take sides. It's not allowed. However, the smart money up here is on Obama. Sorry.
Peace, etc,
God
PS when you have a sec, take the private jet to the Big Apple and see The Book of Mormon--it's a hoot!
PPS Nobody gets their own planet.
PPPS if you ever run into Michele Bachmann again, please tell her that those voices she keeps hearing are definitely not me. If she wants I can recommend a couple of good psychiatrists.
Of course, being omniscient and all that, I should know why, shouldn't I? Hmmm. I think the problem is that it's such a pervasive, ongoing and obvious thing that I really haven't given it much thought. Some things just are the way they are, you know? The sun goes up, the sun goes down, people think you are a dick.
Anyway, I have a whole cosmos to watch and I'm sorry Mitt, but you aren't even in my Top 10.
However, since you keep asking, I will offer up a couple of educated guesses. Could be the way you switch positions to suit whatever the prevailing mood is. People don't like that. Makes you seem like an opportunistic asshole. Also, try not to be so goddamn condescendingly smug. People don't like that either. Maybe cut back a little on that shit eating grin of yours, too. Trust me, it's creepy.
By the way, I don't think it's because you're a Mormon. Although I have noticed that, except for those wacky Scientologists, folks seem to like their superstitious claptrap to be a few thousand years old at least and the LDS is what, 160 or so? So maybe that is it. But hey, as I always say, believe whatever you want. It's all mumbo jumbo as far as I'm concerned...
Just remember this: if one of you is my child, then you're all my children, and let's leave it at that, OK?
Anyway, try a few of my suggestions and if they don't work, it might be that there's just something about you that inherently pisses people off. It happens sometimes.
Oh, one last thing. Despite what some professional athletes may think, I really can't take sides. It's not allowed. However, the smart money up here is on Obama. Sorry.
Peace, etc,
God
PS when you have a sec, take the private jet to the Big Apple and see The Book of Mormon--it's a hoot!
PPS Nobody gets their own planet.
PPPS if you ever run into Michele Bachmann again, please tell her that those voices she keeps hearing are definitely not me. If she wants I can recommend a couple of good psychiatrists.
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
A Sane Republican?
The more time I spend watching the GOP debates and hearing the candidates speak, the happier I become. Seriously, does anyone actually think that Rick Santorum or the other Rick, Mr. Perry, one of the dumbest men in the history of the state of Texas, could really become the President of the United States?
That said, I've been watching the coverage of the New Hampshire primary tonight. While I have very few positive things to say about Republicans as an entity, I am grateful to them for one thing. There is no chance in hell that they will make Jon Huntsman their candidate.
Don't get me wrong, I actually like Jon Huntsman. He has some policy ideas that I find disgusting, but he seems at least to be able to hold in his head the idea that Republicans and Democrats can work together to solve the problems this nation is facing. Obviously, this is a stance that the modern GOP finds anathema.
Let's go for Mitt! Hooray for Newt! Rick Perry, the greatest thing since sliced bread (actually, the loaf of sliced bread may be smarter than Rick)! Rick Santorum, who will surely deliver us from the heathen gays!
The only one that scares me in his possible ability to draw enough voters to defeat President Obama is Jon Huntsman. After watching his New Hampshire speech tonight, I'm even more confirmed in that belief. You see, he actually has a brain -- that seems to be a disqualifying attribute among Republican voters these days.
That's why I am so, so happy that there isn't a chance in hell that he will win the GOP nomination.
That said, I've been watching the coverage of the New Hampshire primary tonight. While I have very few positive things to say about Republicans as an entity, I am grateful to them for one thing. There is no chance in hell that they will make Jon Huntsman their candidate.
Don't get me wrong, I actually like Jon Huntsman. He has some policy ideas that I find disgusting, but he seems at least to be able to hold in his head the idea that Republicans and Democrats can work together to solve the problems this nation is facing. Obviously, this is a stance that the modern GOP finds anathema.
Let's go for Mitt! Hooray for Newt! Rick Perry, the greatest thing since sliced bread (actually, the loaf of sliced bread may be smarter than Rick)! Rick Santorum, who will surely deliver us from the heathen gays!
The only one that scares me in his possible ability to draw enough voters to defeat President Obama is Jon Huntsman. After watching his New Hampshire speech tonight, I'm even more confirmed in that belief. You see, he actually has a brain -- that seems to be a disqualifying attribute among Republican voters these days.
That's why I am so, so happy that there isn't a chance in hell that he will win the GOP nomination.
Monday, January 9, 2012
Poor Little Newt Man
Poor Newt Gingrich. He's been a low life piece of scum for his entire political life--but somehow people just didn't notice.
And so, since no one pointed out how truly awful he was, Newt came to believe that he was a super Patriot, and a towering intellectual, indeed the only worthy heir to Jefferson, Madison, Lincoln, Churchill, Napoleon, Casanova--hell, let's throw in Heraclitus and Edward Gibbon, too, just for good measure.
And a fellow possessing qualities like that has to run for President. Settling for anything less would be tantamount to treason. Depriving America of that sort of leader would be criminal.
So, Newt runs for President, and he finds out really quick just how the American People feel about him.
And not just the hateful Democrats, and the wicked Liberal Media, but also his fellow Republicans, the party to whom he has given his life's blood, viciously attack him. Oh, the ugly, ugly stories they tell about Newt!
The worst part is that the stories are all true. All the bullshit he's been shoveling for the past 20 years has hit the fan at the same time. And Newt suddenly finds himself covered with it, from head to toe.
Turns out the American people may indeed hunger for a Jefferson, Madison or Lincoln. But a Newt Gingrich? Not so much.
Oh well, he'll always have Tiffany's.
And so, since no one pointed out how truly awful he was, Newt came to believe that he was a super Patriot, and a towering intellectual, indeed the only worthy heir to Jefferson, Madison, Lincoln, Churchill, Napoleon, Casanova--hell, let's throw in Heraclitus and Edward Gibbon, too, just for good measure.
And a fellow possessing qualities like that has to run for President. Settling for anything less would be tantamount to treason. Depriving America of that sort of leader would be criminal.
So, Newt runs for President, and he finds out really quick just how the American People feel about him.
And not just the hateful Democrats, and the wicked Liberal Media, but also his fellow Republicans, the party to whom he has given his life's blood, viciously attack him. Oh, the ugly, ugly stories they tell about Newt!
The worst part is that the stories are all true. All the bullshit he's been shoveling for the past 20 years has hit the fan at the same time. And Newt suddenly finds himself covered with it, from head to toe.
Turns out the American people may indeed hunger for a Jefferson, Madison or Lincoln. But a Newt Gingrich? Not so much.
Oh well, he'll always have Tiffany's.
Thursday, January 5, 2012
War Horse
If you're thinking of seeing Steven Spielberg's movie War Horse, take a minute and look up the word "schmaltz" in the nearest dictionary.
You might end up saving yourself a few bucks and a couple hours of your life...
On the other hand, you might enjoy spending 146 minutes trying to guess from which better movie some of the set pieces have been "copied".
There, that cavalry attack looks suspiciously like one in Lawrence of Arabia. Wait a minute, didn't they do that in Gone With the Wind? Paths of Glory, anyone?
Plus you get a record number of close-ups of attractively lit actors and actresses with one glistening tear running down their faces...
Throw in a nondescript John Williams' score and your evening is complete.
What Mr. Spielberg has done, successfully, is drain all of the theatrical magic out of the play--and without that magic there is nothing much there. What he has attempted to replace it with is very technically adept chicken fat.
By the end I was praying for one last shot of the noble beast, (indeed the noblest of all beasts), this time with a single tear running down his noble equine face.
Fade to black.
PS if you want to see a great movie by a great director, see Hugo. It is magical.
You might end up saving yourself a few bucks and a couple hours of your life...
On the other hand, you might enjoy spending 146 minutes trying to guess from which better movie some of the set pieces have been "copied".
There, that cavalry attack looks suspiciously like one in Lawrence of Arabia. Wait a minute, didn't they do that in Gone With the Wind? Paths of Glory, anyone?
Plus you get a record number of close-ups of attractively lit actors and actresses with one glistening tear running down their faces...
Throw in a nondescript John Williams' score and your evening is complete.
What Mr. Spielberg has done, successfully, is drain all of the theatrical magic out of the play--and without that magic there is nothing much there. What he has attempted to replace it with is very technically adept chicken fat.
By the end I was praying for one last shot of the noble beast, (indeed the noblest of all beasts), this time with a single tear running down his noble equine face.
Fade to black.
PS if you want to see a great movie by a great director, see Hugo. It is magical.
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
Iowa? Really?
You have to keep one thing in mind as you watch the ubiquitous coverage of those salt of the earth Iowans shuffling off to the grange to cast their God given votes for the Republican Tea Party worthy of their choice.
The poor dirt farmers of the Hawkeye State have suffered through years, it seems, of first Paul, then Bachmann, then Perry, then Cain, then Gingrich, then Paul again, then Santorum, and always the multiple faces, Past Present and Future, of Willard Mitt Romney, each doing their own ethical limbo.
They watched in awe as each one bent lower and lower backwards in decrying the meddling big government forced on us all by everybody's favorite Kenyan anti-Colonial Socialist, Barack Hussein Obama.
Solemn, heartfelt promises were made, and if they were all kept, in some imaginary Republican Never Never Land, there would be no goddamned government telling us what to do! No EPA, no FDA, no IRS, no Departments of Education, Commerce, or Energy, no FEMA, and especially NO, absolutely NO Obamacare!
Every attack on the pernicious nature of the federal government was rewarded with grunts of approval, fervent "yeahs!", and sometimes even applause from the good burghers.
Oh, it's been nothing but fun, watching the candidates twist and turn, leap frogging each other in a race to the bottom of the barrel. But now it's time to get down to the real nut crackin'. Time for a little old fashioned small "d" democracy in action! Time to choose your favorite Horseman of the Apocalypse!
However, before we get to that, here's the one thing you have to keep in mind: these proudly self-sufficient Iowa Republicans get to share well over a billion dollars a year in federal farming subsidies--and have for many, many years.
They hate the big, nasty federal government...except when it's helping them.
Of course, Iowa is only the first step. Win or lose, it's on to New Hampshire, where the tough, independent, "just leave us alone" Republicans of the Granite State no doubt also hate the big, nasty federal government--until they need it. Then down to South Carolina, y'all, where they're still fighting the Civil War.
It may seem like this party has been going on for far too long, but trust me, the fun is just beginning...
The poor dirt farmers of the Hawkeye State have suffered through years, it seems, of first Paul, then Bachmann, then Perry, then Cain, then Gingrich, then Paul again, then Santorum, and always the multiple faces, Past Present and Future, of Willard Mitt Romney, each doing their own ethical limbo.
They watched in awe as each one bent lower and lower backwards in decrying the meddling big government forced on us all by everybody's favorite Kenyan anti-Colonial Socialist, Barack Hussein Obama.
Solemn, heartfelt promises were made, and if they were all kept, in some imaginary Republican Never Never Land, there would be no goddamned government telling us what to do! No EPA, no FDA, no IRS, no Departments of Education, Commerce, or Energy, no FEMA, and especially NO, absolutely NO Obamacare!
Every attack on the pernicious nature of the federal government was rewarded with grunts of approval, fervent "yeahs!", and sometimes even applause from the good burghers.
Oh, it's been nothing but fun, watching the candidates twist and turn, leap frogging each other in a race to the bottom of the barrel. But now it's time to get down to the real nut crackin'. Time for a little old fashioned small "d" democracy in action! Time to choose your favorite Horseman of the Apocalypse!
However, before we get to that, here's the one thing you have to keep in mind: these proudly self-sufficient Iowa Republicans get to share well over a billion dollars a year in federal farming subsidies--and have for many, many years.
They hate the big, nasty federal government...except when it's helping them.
Of course, Iowa is only the first step. Win or lose, it's on to New Hampshire, where the tough, independent, "just leave us alone" Republicans of the Granite State no doubt also hate the big, nasty federal government--until they need it. Then down to South Carolina, y'all, where they're still fighting the Civil War.
It may seem like this party has been going on for far too long, but trust me, the fun is just beginning...
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