An Open Letter From God Himself to Willard Mitt Romney

Dude, face it, people just don't like you that much! I don't know why.

Of course, being omniscient and all that, I should know why, shouldn't I? Hmmm. I think the problem is that it's such a pervasive, ongoing and obvious thing that I really haven't given it much thought. Some things just are the way they are, you know? The sun goes up, the sun goes down, people think you are a dick.

Anyway, I have a whole cosmos to watch and I'm sorry Mitt, but you aren't even in my Top 10.

However, since you keep asking, I will offer up a couple of educated guesses. Could be the way you switch positions to suit whatever the prevailing mood is. People don't like that. Makes you seem like an opportunistic asshole. Also, try not to be so goddamn condescendingly smug. People don't like that either. Maybe cut back a little on that shit eating grin of yours, too. Trust me, it's creepy.

By the way, I don't think it's because you're a Mormon. Although I have noticed that, except for those wacky Scientologists, folks seem to like their superstitious claptrap to be a few thousand years old at least and the LDS is what, 160 or so? So maybe that is it. But hey, as I always say, believe whatever you want. It's all mumbo jumbo as far as I'm concerned...

Just remember this: if one of you is my child, then you're all my children, and let's leave it at that, OK?

Anyway, try a few of my suggestions and if they don't work, it might be that there's just something about you that inherently pisses people off. It happens sometimes.

Oh, one last thing. Despite what some professional athletes may think, I really can't take sides. It's not allowed. However, the smart money up here is on Obama. Sorry.

Peace, etc,

God

PS when you have a sec, take the private jet to the Big Apple and see The Book of Mormon--it's a hoot!

PPS Nobody gets their own planet.

PPPS if you ever run into Michele Bachmann again, please tell her that those voices she keeps hearing are definitely not me. If she wants I can recommend a couple of good psychiatrists.