Sunday, March 11, 2012

Welcome Wagon

This being Winter, though it would be hard to tell by the temperature, (Global Warming is another one of those liberal conspiracies, right? Like evolution and contraception and oh so many others), naturally my thoughts turn to all of the wonderful visitors, the so-called Sno-birds, who are the only thing keeping Arizona's economy afloat while we wait patiently for the next real estate boom to save us.

They are guests here, and we love them dearly. But our ways may be foreign to them. Therefore, an Arizona Primer:

Yes, we really do keep electing a collection of ignorant, short-sighted, hillbilly buffoons and yet we expect different results. We do this because we are a very religious people and we have FAITH. And because of our faith we are able to ignore the fact that doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results is one of the definitions of insanity. Besides, having a state government that makes the 3 Stooges look like a graduate level seminar at MIT is kind of fun!

Governor Jan "Chuck Tell Me What To Do" Brewer may look like a triumph of the embalmer's art, but she is indeed a living, breathing Arizona Republican. People voted for her--even after they heard her speak. She is in charge of this state. This proves we are the polar opposite of "elitists" who believe they should elect "intelligent" people.

Sheriff Joe Arpaio is not a performance artist. It only seems like Andy Kaufman has been reincarnated and given a shiny badge. In fact, Arpaio is a duly elected law enforcement officer. He has official duties that extend far beyond holding press conferences, harassing his political opponents, "investigating" the President's birth certificate, and rousting dishwashers. Really.

Finally, forget about those speed limit signs on the freeways. They mean nothing. A cherished part of our Wild West heritage involves disregarding those laws we dislike. Very, very rarely you may see someone pulled over by the Highway Patrol. These people have done something so unimaginably awful that it couldn't be ignored. So keep it under 100 mph and you'll be OK. To be safe, the timid souls amongst you should just stay in the right hand lane and you probably won't get hurt. Better yet, keep off the freeways entirely.

Enjoy your stay, and spend, spend, spend!

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