Let's All Pitch In And Get Alice Walton A Designated Driver

Money, of course, can't buy you happiness. Or so we've been told...

On the other hand it can buy you the best lawyers, most politicians, and more judges than you'd think.

So with enough dough, say 20 billion, you can drink and drive all you want. Maybe even kill someone. And get the records expunged so you can be back on the road in time for happy hour.

For God's sake, don't pick on the poor billionaires. The Koch brothers, Stephen Schwarzman, Tom "Kristallnacht" Perkins, Donald Trump, Sheldon Adelson, and the rest of them. Don't expect them to abide by our "laws". Who are we to judge them, anyway?

They suffer so for us, just like Baby Jesus.

And all they want to be is loved and valued. And un-taxed.

Oh, and never to be questioned or challenged by the rabble.

Is that too much to ask?

The Only Punchline You'll Ever Need

Many years ago, when the world was young, the Mission Man and I were in an improv comedy troupe. It was fun for awhile. People laughed and laughed. We had hopes of it flourishing. And probably dreams of fortune and fame, too...

Then one night, in Chandler as I recall, it was so not fun that we never did it again. Ever.

Anyway, the point is, as Edmund Kean remarked on his deathbed, "dying is easy--comedy is hard."

This is as true today as it was then. Perhaps even more so.

But, if you have a surefire punchline, it gets easier.

So, as a public service, I give you the only punchline you'll ever need:

"So then I shot him."

Works with every set up:

Guy was texting in a movie theatre--

Guy looked threatening--

Guy knocked on my door late one night--

Guy cut me off in traffic--

Guy was talking too loud--

Guy hopped my fence--

Guy was running away from me--

Guy was sure the gun was empty--

And even though we live in a "post racial" society, there's always the old reliable, Guy was black--

Feel free to substitute "girl" or "child" for "guy" as the situation warrants.

Political Notes From All Over

The other day, you could have sat and listened, with rapt attention no doubt, to Governor Jan "Chuck Tell Me What To Do" Brewer's State of the State address.

Or, you could have gone to the nearest dive bar, ordered whatever was on tap, and listened, with equally rapt attention no doubt, to the non-linear, rambling, semi-coherent mumblings of the drunk next to you.

Except for the occasional applause, the experience would have been essentially the same...

Brewer is from the "starve the beast" party, and that means that nothing comes before tax cuts. Nothing. And that means that little things like health care and education and protecting at risk children fall by the wayside. So reshuffle the chain of command all you want, but as long as you underfund everything, you are very likely to get exactly the same results.


Hey, is anyone really surprised that once a morbidly obese bully gets his tit caught in a wringer everyone he has ever bullied before can't wait to get even with him? Guess what--whatever bad happens to Chris Christie, he deserves it. There is a special place in Hell for those who prey on the weak. Maybe he can scream at the FBI and the Federal judges the way he screamed at that teacher. Fuck him.


Sarah Palin, inconsequential numbskull that she is, asked the president to "stop playing the race card." Note to the Cypher from Wasilla and all of her rabid acolytes, when a black person points out that some white people are racists, they are not "playing the race card". They are simply stating a fact.


Meanwhile, down in Dixie, a former Governor of Virginia stands accused of stuffing his pockets with "gifts" from wealthy donors. Boy, didn't see that one coming. But seriously, why else go into government in the first place if you can't profit from it? I mean, we're not commies here, are we? No, dammit, we're capitalists and that means everything has a price. And if a fellow can't expect to get money and jewelery and pharmaceuticals and vacations and clothes and catering for his daughter's wedding, well by God the right kind of people are going to stop running for office. And then where will we be?


Finally, those of you wondering where the next generation of Republican politicians was coming from need look no further than the Tau Kappa Epsilon fraternity at Arizona State University. These are the boys who thought that the best way to observe Martin Luther King Jr. Day was by dressing "black", flashing gang signs, and drinking from watermelon cups. Because...well, you know, just harmless white mischief! I say fuck 'em. But the Grand Old Party recognizes potential candidates when they see them. Get some of that Koch money and run them boys for Congress!

Bad Woody. Good Mia.

So they gave Woody Allen some kind of lifetime achievement whatever at the Golden Globes the other night and like clockwork the internet erupted with "how can you honor that little pervert" posts.

Mr. Allen may or may not be a "pervert". For what it's worth, Mrs. Franklin is convinced that he is. She wasn't there, though. I wasn't there either. Nor were you. There weren't any legal charges that I am aware of. And just based on the vituperation that still emanates from the Farrow camp I'm guessing there would have been if they could have proved anything in court.

Still, it was a messy, ugly, repugnant situation at the very least.

However, we cannot overlook the fact that much of the residual anger directed against Mr. Allen from those outside the situation comes tinged with a heavy dose of what can only be called anti-semitism, of the "I always knew that dirty little Jew was a..." variety.

On the other hand, it is rather interesting that while Mia Farrow has recently hinted very strongly that her son Ronan was fathered by her ex Frank Sinatra while she was romantically involved with Allen, there hasn't been even the slightest backlash directed at her for this, oh, let's call it a lapse in fidelity. Which happened before Mr. Allen's alleged perversions.

And this would be because...?

You Can't Win If You Don't Play!

We are constantly bombarded with important news about our favorite celebrities. And yet there is only so much storage capacity in our tiny little minds. Something's got to give. As a result, we are forced to delete non-essential information to make room for Kardashian updates.

So it makes sense that by now most people don't remember that a lot of the money from the sale of Arizona State Lottery tickets is supposed to go to education.

At least that's the way it was sold to us. "Yes, this is state sponsored gambling, and yes it will probably tempt the less well off to spend money they can't afford to lose on lottery tickets, and yes the odds of winning are approximately the same whether you buy a ticket or don't buy a ticket--BUT look at all the money that will go to education! And besides, people like to gamble, blah, blah, blah..."

Of course, "supposed to go to" and "does go to" are two entirely different things.

Turns out that all of those millions have been sucked up in the state's general fund all of these years so that our wonderful legislature, which has a cumulative IQ of about 78, can do whatever they want with it.

And what they want to do is not give that money to education.

Can't afford to. Sorry. Have to plug all those holes in the budget caused by constantly cutting taxes. Because as we all know, the only way to create a strong economy, full of good jobs, is to cut taxes. Right? Right!

The Best News I've Had All Year!

Sometimes, in the deep gloom of winter, as we huddle around the fire and pray for the return of the light, a miracle happens...

Today I learned that faded action film "star" Steven "Yes, This Is Really The Way I Run" Seagal has announced that he might, might, consider throwing his hat--and possibly his hair with it--into the ring for the governorship of Arizona!

Seagal, no dummy he, has been palling around with Sheriff Joe Arpaio--a.k.a. America's Toughest Sheriff--a man whose performance in office has cost the taxpayers of Maricopa County tens of millions of dollars in wrongful death and wrongful arrest suits. He has observed the ongoing wonder that is Governor Jan "Chuck, Tell Me What To Do" Brewer. He has read the profound statements issued by Tea Party darlings Trent Franks, David Schweikert and Paul Gosar. And he has realized that there are no qualifications to hold public office in Arizona.

So why not him? And, since Hollywood can be so cruel to the rapidly aging especially when they are untalented, why not now?

This is exactly what I've been waiting for.

You see, Arizona has been stuck at 47 or 48 in the rankings of horrible states for way too long. God knows we aren't going to go up to number 1 ever or even break into the top 25.

You wanna know why? Way too many Midwesterners move here. And they don't care about the arts or education or good jobs or healthcare or mass transit or the environment. No, they just want a little sun before they die. And low taxes. And to get away from "them", of course. The dreaded  "other".

So they come here, live off their Social Security, relying on Medicare to keep them alive a little longer, all the time whining about the "damn Federal gubmint", while stuffing themselves with Mexican food as they complain about Mexicans. Ironic, ain't it?

Anyway, while we can't ever hope of getting better, there is a real possibility that we can get worse. Much worse. And Governor Steven Seagal--with the help of our inestimable Klown Kollege legislature--is just the man to do it.

Mississippi and Alabama and South Carolina better watch out. 'Cause we're coming for them!