Saturday, May 14, 2011

Eye of Newt

Newt Gingrich, who is considered an "intellectual" in Republican circles, is back! The Great White Hope has thrown his hat into the ring for 2012! This is welcome news for comedians and political satirists everywhere.

Newty, who has made quite a name for himself as a ladies man, hit the ground running, calling Obama, the "most successful food stamp President in American history" and the election of 2012 the "most consequential since 1860," once again proving the old adage that "you can never be too crazy for the GOP base."

Naturally he said these things in the heart of Dixie, where they're still fighting the Civil War and don't cotton to "uppity coloreds". If nothing else, Gingrich knows what bells to ring for his constituency. Of course, the "ya'll crowd" wasn't too happy with the results of the 1860 election, and the fear that Lincoln might begin to curtail the expansion of slavery led directly to a little thing called the Civil War. And as far as food stamps go, I'll take a wild guess and say there are a lot of white Southerners shuffling into their local Piggly Wiggly with a pocket full of that hated "government assistance". But that's OK because limited and/or incorrect knowledge of history and moral hypocrisy are core values for most Republicans, God bless their empty little heads.

Now, I don't want to be accused of not giving a fair hearing to the other side. So what exactly is Newty's plan? Why, cut taxes on the corporations and the wealthy, naturally. Because it worked so well for Simple W. After all, during the Bush the Lesser years, the Clinton budget surplus completely disappeared and the national debt exploded. We need more of that! So let's make W.'s tax cuts permanent and lower the corporate tax rate (which very few corporations ever pay, by the way). While we're at it let's cut the capital gains rate, too. Because rich people shouldn't really have to pay any taxes, should they? Hell no!

The Party of Lincoln has morphed into the Party of Leona Helmsley, who once famously remarked that "only little people pay taxes." Ah those pesky "little people". They need mass transit, and libraries, and good public schools, and affordable health care, and believe it or not, sometimes they even need food stamps. So to hell with the little people! Right? After all, they're just a drag on the America Newt Gingrich dreams of so feverishly....Of course, the trick is getting those "little people" to vote for you before you cut their throats. Fortunately the Republican Party mastered that long ago.

No comments: