Sunday, May 29, 2011

The Welcome Wagon

Le tout Phoenix is all abuzz with the rumor that Sarah Palin is buying a house in Scottsdale in preparation for a run at the the Senate seat Jon "Not Intended As A Factual Statement" Kyl is vacating. Be still my beating heart!!!

First things first: Sarah Palin doesn't know anything about Arizona or its problems. She might be able to find the state on a map. And then again she might not. But you can always hire someone to do that, right? The important thing is that she's Sarah Palin!! Good ideas don't matter, qualifications don't matter, intelligence certainly doesn't matter--remember this is Arizona.

Besides, these are trivial concerns, because even a well formed turd has a good shot at getting elected to the Senate from the Grand Canyon state IF they're a Republican. Why? Because the GOP has done so much for the people of Arizona! I mean, really, what an impressive list of accomplishments: always near the bottom in education; massive cuts to AHCCCS; laughable mass transit; institutionalized low wages; sold off the government buildings; closed the state parks; turned a corrupt tin badge blowhard, Joe Arpaio, into a demi-god; demonized the Mexicans; ostracized the poor; constantly vilified teachers while glorifying bankers; and on and on and on.

Of course, it's a time honored tradition in some circles to look for a seat that's open in a 'safe' district somewhere--anywhere--and then quickly establish residency in time to run for office. The sainted John "Maverick Is His Name" McCain did it many years ago. And I'm sure in a dark, musty dungeon somewhere there's a team of trusty GOP trolls just waiting to claim Robert Kennedy did exactly the same thing when he moved to New York to run for the Senate after leaving the Attorney General's office. (Kennedy comparisons are the Republican's automatic fallback position for everything, especially moral issues. References to Teddy and Chappaquiddick still bring shivers of joy to any true blue GOPer. However heinous the transgression of a Republican, the mere mention of "Chappaquiddick" washes away all sins. It's magic.)

Rest assured, however, if a Democratic carpetbagger showed up (and why any real Democrat without existing ties to Arizona would move to the state is beyond me), the locals would scream bloody murder and demand an investigation. I think the word I'm looking for is "hypocrite". But without the various kinds of hypocrisy there would be no modern Republican Party and then where would we be?

So welcome aboard the "You betcha-wink-wink" express...

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