Monday, March 14, 2011

Garbage In, Garbage Out

Sometimes you can sit around for hours, days even, pondering what to rant about next...and sometimes it just falls from the heavens, like manna. And for a fleeting moment you think, "Yes! There really is a God!"

Today's Arizona Republic offers us just such a gift: a "my turn"column from Barry Goldwater Jr. Some people, once consigned to the ash bin of history, have the decency to stay there. But not that old coke head Barry Jr. (I'm sorry, where are my manners. I meant former coke head.) He has opinions and by God he's going to express them! (I'll leave it up to you to decide whether or not any paper would publish his opinions if his last name weren't Goldwater.)

So what does Junior think? Oh, about what you'd expect. In a meandering waddle (you know, drugs really do affect the brain) through some conservative pet peeves, we learn that we haven't gone in and straightened out the Middle East by helping all those people yearning for freedom because Obama is a foreign policy naif, with no experience in statecraft or diplomacy (not a word about the Bush foreign policy debacles, naturally) (because throwing our weight around militarily has worked so well over there in the past); all that government debt is killing our nation (overlooking the fact that the debt was increased more by Reagan and the two Bushes than it was by Carter, Clinton or Obama); we shouldn't identify ourselves as African American, or Mexican American, or Italian Americans, etc because, dammit, we're all Americans (no mention that some of us came as captives and remained in chains for 400 years. To be fair, he may not know this)(also no mention of Irish Americans, which means you're still free to get shit-faced on St. Patrick's Day without feeling unpatriotic); and perhaps most importantly, a reminder that "charity came from the heart, not government programs" and "we have traded the ideals of self-sufficiency and hard work for handouts, entitlements" (so leave the rich alone, OK?).

But not to worry, Junior has a plan! With the restoration of "free" markets (in truth there is no such thing), economic liberty (I have no idea what he means by this, but it probably has something to do with cutting taxes, which is the only economic idea conservatives ever have), a constitutional republic (except the parts of the Constitution that conservatives don't like, of course), and above all, personal responsibility, we can make Thomas Jefferson proud again. So stop your whining, grab your bootstraps and pull!

What's particularly amusing about this, is that Barry Junior, like so many "self made men" (including his illustrious father) has been on the teat his entire life. He has his trust funds, he has his government pension, and he still has that last name. What else do you need?

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