Sunday, March 6, 2011

The Lord's Day

This being the Lord's day, naturally my thoughts turn to professional sports. And since, like all American males, I am an expert on all the sports that really matter, I herewith offer some expert advice and/or expert solutions to a few sports related issues:

First of all, if Darrell Issa wants to investigate something important he should look into the ridiculous number of free throws the Oklahoma Thunder get to shoot at home. Of all the major sports, basketball has the most inconsistent officiating, and it almost always tilts toward the home team.

Secondly, if Tiger Woods wants to return to the level he was at before his, uh, marital problems, he should start playing tournaments every week. The, 'oh I think I'll just play the occasional tournament here and there and then practice for the Majors' routine isn't working anymore. Eldrick, and I say this as someone who really enjoyed watching you dominate the PGA for the last decade or so, get back into the grind and maybe you'll find some sort of consistency in your game.

Thirdly, it should be a law that the roof of Chase Field stays open for every night game, and every day game when the temperature is under 100. Otherwise it's like watching a ballgame in a great, big, ugly warehouse. And while we're at it, let's get rid of that Baxter abomination, too.

Finally, every professional team should have to pay a fixed amount into its league's building fund every year. Then we wouldn't have to witness the seemingly annual spectacle of "If the city of (fill in the blank) doesn't build us a new stadium (arena, ballpark), then the (pick your favorite team) will be forced to move to (somewhere)." You might think that billionaires would be ashamed to ask for a municipal handout, especially in times like these. You would be wrong. So let's demand that each major league fully pay for it's own venues and take the potential for extortion off the table.

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