Two Things

As 2015 recedes into the dust of history, and 2016 waits in the wings, getting ready to scare us all to death, there are two things I urge you to do:

First, beg, borrow, or steal a copy of The Devil's Chessboard, by David Talbot.

And secondly, go see The Big Short.

In tandem they pretty much explain where we are, and perhaps, where we are going.

Until we meet again, have a great whatever...and so on....and toss back a triple shot for me.

To Hell With Christmas

You heard me.

You know, I've lived with this nonsense since I was a kid.

You want to buy stuff, fine.

You want to give this stuff to your friends and family, fine.

That's what keeps the economy going, after all. And it's nice to give stuff and get stuff.

And, if you're lucky, at a certain point you'll realize that it really is nicer to give than receive.

But, if you want to pretend that it somehow has some connection with the birth of Jesus Christ...and the three wise men...and what happened in a Roman colony two thousand years ago...and Christianity...and any kind of ethical system based on your boy's teachings...and that the folks who don't buy into your "beliefs" are waging a "War on Christmas!"

Well, then you're fucking crazy.

And if you're dim enough not to see that...well, I've got no time for you.

I'm an old man.

Enough is enough.

Happy Holidays...

Repeat After Me, "The Saudis Are Not Our Friends"

You know, it's funny, but most of the 9-11 hijackers were from Saudi Arabia.

Not Iraq or Iran or Syria or Pakistan or even Afghanistan.

Saudi Arabia.

And yet, in the days after the twin towers fell, the Bush administration let plane loads of Saudis fly home without a second thought.

Hell, there's even pictures of W holding hands with a Saudi prince....I believe the one they call Bandar Bush.

Indeed, the Bush family has done business with the Saudis for years.

Maybe that's why W was so quick to say we weren't at war with Islam and that Islam was a religion of peace--because that's what the Saudis told him to say.

And after all, they're our allies.

Meanwhile, those "peaceful" Saudis continue to fund the most extreme madrassahs and the most anti-American Imans they can find.

Reportedly including al-Qaeda and ISIS/ISIL/Daesh.

How fucking stupid are we?

Oh, I know they buy billions of dollars of fighter planes and shit, but come on...

This is all about oil, right?

So, take their fucking oil. "Neutralize" them. And be done with it.

I don't want to sound like a Republican, but one more American life is not worth all the Saudis there ever were or ever will be.

They Just Can't Quit Him

Donald J. Trump is the dark twisted id of the modern Republican Tea Party made flesh.

Almost anything he says, anything, no matter how stupid, bigoted, un-American, or just plain factually wrong, appeals on some cellular level to the base of the GOP.

And, it must be acknowledged, to his fellow Republican candidates.

Oh, they can pretend they don't agree with him...but they do.

This is what they are. They can't deny their heart's deepest wishes.

At best, they argue about semantics.

And act like they're appalled by something Trump has said.

But they can't quite bring themselves to wholly denounce him.

Because they aren't really appalled. The truth is they feel shivers of delight and excitement every time he speaks.

All that tough talk gets them aroused.

So...they just can't quit him.

This proves something I've long believed:

You can never be too awful to be a Republican...there are no known limits to what fits under the Big Tent...

(And by the way, Ted Cruz isn't any better than Trump. He's just a little smarter and a little sneakier. The kind of dime store Machiavelli who thrives in a cesspool.)

Ben Carson Isn't Really That Wonderful A Surgeon, Either

OK, so we all understand now that he doesn't have a clue about foreign policy, or evolution, or American history, or the Constitution, or all sorts of stuff that you might want your elected officials to know.

But at least he was a highly skilled and successful surgeon...right?

Well...

Of the 5 times he separated conjoined twins, out of the 10 individuals involved, five died and two ended up institutionalized with serious neurological damage.

I don't know about you, but I don't think I'd go to a surgeon with that kind of record.

Still, he got a book deal and a lot of money and a Presidential campaign out of it, so it's all good.

To The Dead We Owe Only The Truth

Dear Republicans (and Democrats who act like Republicans),

Regarding yet another mass shooting, your pointless prayers don't do anything for the dead.

They only make you feel better about yourselves.

So, why don't you take them and shove them up your asses?

Amen.

(The Rude Pundit's post of 12/4/15 says all you need to know about the good ole USA)

One Question Above All Others

Since we know that the CIA doesn't answer to the President...not really.

And it doesn't answer to the Congress...at least not honestly.

Historically, whenever they're caught out, they lie and dissemble, promise to be better, and then pretty much continue doing what they want.

So, the obvious question is, who, or what does the CIA answer to?

This is kind of important to know, don't you think?

After all, they're running around the world, with an unlimited budget, doing someone's bidding.

And all the while making enemies for the rest of us.

If Anybody Knows Inept, It's Senator John McCain

This guy, the guy who's calling John Kerry "the most inept Secretary of State in my lifetime", is the same guy who wanted Sarah Palin to be a heartbeat away from the Presidency of the United States of America.

The same guy whose response to any turmoil in the world is "bomb 'em! Send in the troops! I said bomb 'em, dammit!"

The same guy who has never done anything for the state of Arizona in all his many years in the Congress.

Yeah, that guy.

So, hey, fuck John McCain, R-Halfcocked,  and fuck anybody who takes his senile prattle and sword rattling seriously.

Come on, enough is enough.

By A Thousand Cuts

Will ISIS, or ISIL or Daesh or whatever the fuck they're called, manage to carry out an attack in the US?

I don't know.

Trump can bluster, Lindsey Graham can clutch his pearls, Bill Kristol can call for a million troop deployment, John McCain can scream "I told you so!", Jeb "The Smart One Is A Relative Term" Bush can do whatever it is he does, Ted Cruz can act dead butch, and all the Fox News puppets and panderers can froth at the mouth about Obama's "weakness/incompetence".

None of them know either.

(Although it does seem like many of them would welcome it, if only to finally put that uppity negro is his place.)

I do know that from what I've read 9-11, which got us into this particular mess,  could have been prevented if we hadn't had a smirking frat boy simpleton and a slathering oil whore chickenhawk running things...

I also know that at some point in the not too distant future a white male psychopath, armed to the teeth thanks to our Supreme Court's interpretation of the Second Amendment and our esteemed Congress's fear of the NRA, and nursing some sort of grievance against "them", will shoot up an American school, or movie theatre, or shopping mall, or.....

That is indisputable.

Now, which do you think is more likely to happen first?

Oh, one more thing that is indisputable. If the crazy nihilist Muslims are here, it won't be very hard for them to get all the guns they want.

So, how's this for a campaign slogan:

"ISIS and the Republican Party: Working Together To Keep Americans Scared"

Scared Stupid

It must be really hard to be a Republican these days.

You have to be scared all of the time.

Scared of black people!

Scared of brown people!

Scared of gay people!

Scared of women's reproductive systems!

Scared that the Army is going to attack Texas!

Scared that the terrorists are just outside the door, waiting to cut off your head!

Scared that our Muslim Kenyan Socialist President, who, by the way, won two national elections against the best your party could offer--and rather easily at that--is coming for your sacred guns!

And now, to top it off, you have to be scared of Syrian orphans!

Wow, all of that fear must be exhausting.

Grifter On Grifter Violence

So Donald Trump, who is a world class grifter, has turned on Dr. Ben Carson, who is strictly a minor league grifter.

Naturally, Dr. Ben, who is no stranger to violence-heh, heh, heh--struck back.

It's like a carny fight, something you'd see on a seedy midway, late at night, after one too many huffs of spray paint, with a Colt 45 chaser.

The Donald is quick to hit people with his great big, yooge in fact, wallet, whereas Dr. Ben uses his Bible and the word of God--as interpreted by Dr. Ben, of course.

And these two freaks are the leaders of your Republican Primary Dance Party circa 2015!

Beautiful.

How Sweet To Be An Idiot, or: Ben Carson For President

What to make of this guy?

And please don't tell me about the conjoined twins.

That was a feat of superior hand to eye coordination, and nerve, and it should be applauded.

Just like you would applaud a great pianist, guitarist, or that guy who juggles chainsaws.

Or a pick pocket, come to think about it.

But set aside his admitted accomplishments as a surgeon, and what else is there?

A series of idiotic statements, fabrications, and outright lies.

Seriously, the man says a lot of stupid things. Stupid things that he believes to be true to the very core of his being.

Irrespective of all those silly "facts" that we dangerous secular humanists insist on bringing up.

Dr. Ben Carson knows the truth! Facts be damned!

And that's what makes him an idiot.

Just like the people who think he's qualified to be President of the United States.

You know, looking back on his surgical achievements, the really remarkable thing is that he apparently did them with half a brain.

More Republican Debate Demands

Laugh track.

Applause signs.

No "gotcha" questions. No hard questions. No questions. Just let us talk. That's what the American people want.

Don't look at us like that.

A choir.

When we lie, and we all will lie, repeatedly, don't you dare say anything.

Cool graphics. Like the Avengers.

Something to keep Carson from nodding off.

I said don't look at us like that!

More yooge. More fantastic. More winning.

Treat us with the respect we deserve.

As long as Jeb is still in the race, don't mention his brother.

(Note: find out if Jeb is still in the race)

Something for Marco Rubio to stand on. A stool, a phone book. Something.

Absolutely no fact checkers. For what are "facts" really? Just some so called "expert's" opinion.

Soft focus for Carly.

Trump's hair wants its own trailer.

Since nobody wants to stand next to Cruz, maybe we can green-screen him in.

Audience vetted by Fox News, the Koch brothers, and/or the KKK.

When we lie, and we all will lie, repeatedly, try to keep a straight face.

Is Carly Fiorina A Serial Liar? Discuss.

You gotta give it to her.

She sounds so confident, so certain, like she really believes what she's saying.

She spews it out without any fear of contradiction. And then defends it against all evidence to the contrary.

I think I read somewhere that that's one of the ways you can tell a true sociopath...

Anyway, from Planned Parenthood, to her job performance at Hewlett Packard, to President Obama's economic achievements, and all points in between, Carly just can't seem to tell the truth.

And while that makes her eminently qualified to be a Republican candidate for, well, anything and everything, it should kinda disqualify her to hold office in the real world.

Here's an idea Carly: move to Arizona or Texas or Florida, or any of the other New Confederacy states.

You'll fit right it!

Republican Debate Recap

To be honest with you--and hey, why not?--I didn't watch any of it.

Nope. Couldn't do it.

Life is way too short to waste even a moment of it on that kind of nonsense.

But from what I've heard and read from the various post mortems, Jeb! is dead and Rubio is rising!

To which I respond, who gives a shit?

They are, essentially, the same guy, with the same lame "ideas". The only difference is, one of them can take a punch and the other can't. Neither will be President.

No, the most important thing that came out of this particular debate is that the moderators apparently asked "unfair" questions!!!!

All the esteemed candidates whined about it, so it must be true.

Even Reince Priebus said so, and if you can't trust a guy with a name from a Pixar movie, who can you trust?

How rude of those CNBC bastards! Don't they know that these are essentially infomercials for a product?

And infomercials never delve too deeply.

It is enough that they say they will build a border wall and get Mexico to pay for it, deport 11 million people, replace Obamacare with something better, make the tax system fair for all, reduce the size of the government, save Social Security and Medicare, restore order to the Middle East by starting another war, make Putin respect, nay fear, the United States, put a chicken or two in every pot and an assault rifle in every closet, create jobs, keep the darkies in line, and return us to the Utopia America that was stolen by the evil socialist liberals, all this while cutting taxes for the wealthy.

Only a miserable cur would dare to ask "how will you do these things?"

That sort of "gotcha" question is simply not fair. Where are their manners? For one thing, it is the height of elitism to confront a fool with his foolishness. For another, it interrupts the flow of the pointless soundbites.

Besides, we all know that reality has a noted liberal bias. So away with it.

No, arrogant East Coast media smarty pants, you'll just have to trust the candidates.

And have a little faith that they do indeed have wonderful, in some cases even yoooge and sparkly, solutions to all of our problems!

After all, why would they lie to us?

Signor Baseball's World Series Preview

Boy, I sure didn't see this one coming.

Royals vs Mets?

OK. Maybe the Royals aren't that surprising, although they surprised me. After the Blue Jays went all Evil Empire lite, grabbed a couple of primo free agents, and started scoring runs like a beer league softball team, I figured they would be AL champs.

And the Royals beat them.

But the Mets?

Four young starters, three with Tommy John surgeries already under their belts, David Wright not all the way back to being David Wright again, a second baseman who makes routine plays into adventures, an untested closer, and a patchwork outfield didn't inspire a lot of confidence.

This is why some of us love the game of baseball. Because you never know.

Daniel Murphy can turn into Babe Ruth, if only briefly...

So, who's going to win?

Kansas City has no obvious weaknesses, can run, have superior fielding and a great bullpen.  And whatever seemingly "odd" choices Ned Yost makes usually work out. The Royals look like the better all around team. Plus, they've "been there before", for what it's worth.

Still, the Met starting pitchers are very impressive. Never bet against pitching like that. In 1963 a Yankee team with Mantle, Maris, Berra, Skowron, Pepitone, Tresh and Richardson was swept by a weaker Dodger lineup. The Dodgers just happened to have a couple of guys named Koufax and Drysdale pitching for them. And in 1969, a Baltimore team that won 109 games, lost to an inferior Mets team which had, for a week at least, stronger starting pitching.

If their pitchers perform the way they did in the NL playoffs, I can imagine the Mets sweeping the Royals, and I can't imagine the Royals sweeping the Mets under any circumstances.

So, if I were a gambler, I'd have to take the Mets...in 6.

Unless all those young guys suddenly realize what they've been able to do the last couple of weeks and completely freak-out.

They Told Us You Were The Smart One

That's right, Jeb.

Or should I say Jeb! ?

All this time, all these years, we've heard W may be an idiot--but he's our idiot, dammit--and anyway, his lil bro Jebster is the smart one.

Just wait until Jeb runs! Then you'll see!

The heavens will part...the birds will sing...and all will be right with the world...

So hey, Jebbie is running...and it turns out he's just as smart as his brother! And not an ounce smarter.

Gee, do you think it's genetic?

I mean, does that sort of thing run in families?

Jebra has already been rolled, repeatedly by the Trumpster.

In fact, he seems scared of Donald J.

He's defended his idiot brother's foreign policy, uh, accomplishments, against all available evidence.

And as to his own accomplishments as Governor of Florida, you all, on closer inspection they aren't exactly stellar. Just more of the same steal from the poor to help the rich Republican crap that we've come to know and love.

The Smart One! is currently polling behind El Trumpo The Magnificent and a brain surgeon who is in all other aspects a fool. And just slightly ahead of a failed businesswoman who was paid a small fortune by her former employers to go far, far away.

Now, to be fair, Jebber Jabber did manage to help steal the 2000 election for W...and that ought to count for something...

The Long Awaited Reboot Of "Chitlin' and the Dude" !!!!

Ignorance Is Their Brand

I recently read an article that said  "the GOP risked looking ignorant" on something or other.

China, maybe.

Risked?

Seriously?

Wake up man, ignorance has been the GOP's brand for a long time.

Look at Trump, for Christ's sake. All those hideous mouthbreathers that applaud him and roar with delight at his every blustery, inane word.

Or Carly Baby. Jesus, just take the money H-P gave you to go away and, you know, GO AWAY!

And let's not even start with Dr. Ben "I Couldn't Really Be This Stupid, Could I?" Carson. (I would have also accepted Dr. Ben "If Only Those Jews Had Been Armed, The Holocaust Would Have Never Happened!" Carson.)

If you ask me, at this point, mere ignorance would be a compliment.

No, chief, that's profound all-encompassing ignorance, mixed in with a large dose of stupid, blind hatred.

And that's the GOP party--and base--in a nutshell.

To pretend that it isn't?

Now that's ignorance.

WWJP (What Would Jesus Pack?)

This is America, circa 2015.

Gotta be packin' these days, baby.

Otherwise you're a pussy, just beggin' to be gunned down.

Ask Dr. Ben "Superior Hand To Eye Coordination Is Not Necessarily A Sign Of Intelligence" Carson. He knows!

Now, I figure with the flowing robes and all, the J man would have a lot of options.

Sawed off 12 gauge. AR-15. A couple of Uzis. And you just know he's a got a Glock in there somewhere.

Maybe go old school and get his hands on a Thompson!

Oh, what, those are still illegal?

Ha ha ha ha ha!

We're talking about the Son Of God, bitch! He can strap on whatever he likes!

The Second Amendment, and Wayne LaPierre, say so.

America--Fuck yeah!

The Big Tent

You can't say the Republicans aren't the party of diversity.

Right now they've got a black fool, a female fool, two Hispanic fools, a bunch of white male fools, probably including a closeted gay fool, all running for President of these here United States.

Take your pick!

Go on, choose.

But be prepared to hear science denied, every minority offended, lies about their business accomplishments, immigrants demonized, war and more war promoted, the disenfranchisement of millions of people applauded, the prospect of healthcare being taken away from millions more equally applauded, the despised poor ground beneath their boots, the incessant meddling in women's personal lives, and the non stop worship of the almighty gun.

You know, the family values, take our country back, stuff the GOP is so fond of.

On The Efficacy Of Prayer

Another school shooting?

Ho hum.

Nothing can be done.

They're sort of like an Act of God, you know?

Sorry.

Did I say nothing?

That's not entirely true. All of those Second Amendment worshiping, NRA bought and paid for gun lovers in our blessed Congress will pray for the victims.

It's the least they can do. Literally.

I remember something a cousin of mine said when her step father was on his death bed: "We prayed and we prayed and we prayed for him..."

And he still died. Oh well.

By now, it should be obvious to everyone but the dullest among us that when you pray you are only talking to yourself.

So when you pray for the victims and their families after the next "unpreventable" gun tragedy in our best of all possible countries, which will happen any minute now, you should ask yourself when you're going to wise up and do something substantive about it.

Regarding The Continuing Support For Sheriff Joe Arpaio

Look at it this way: I'm sure that in Berlin in the Spring of 1945, April say, you could find some folks who thought the boss was doing a good job, and that things were going to turn around any day now...

After all, this is Arizona. There are plenty of people still proudly sporting Bush-Cheney, McCain-Palin, and Romney-Ryan bumperstickers.

Common sense and reason don't really enter into it much.

Pope Francis And All That Jazz

Remember way back, when we all had to pretend to be Catholic?

Or the Catholics would kill us?

After they converted us, of course.

Good times...

So, despite what every Republican believes, there's no denying things are better now.

(Ben Carson doesn't know anything about Evolution or astrophysics, by the way.)

Anyhow, ol' Francis is in my top two or three Popes of all time.

Right up there with the Pope who may have been (spoiler alert) a woman.

And Leo X, who according to some sources once said, "How well we know what a profitable superstition this fable of Christ has been for us and our predecessors."

Ahem.

Seriously, if I ever need advice about love, marriage, life, death, sex, the whole shebang from a celibate wearing a dress, Francis is the guy I'll ask.

Scotty, We Hardly Knew Ye...

Of course, what we did know was appalling...

So Scott Walker, oh, excuse me, Governor Scott "Polling At Less Than 1%" Walker, darling of oligarchs everywhere, union buster extraordinaire, scourge of those awful bastards who pretend to teach our children, the man who allegedly was able to get out of a jam by buying his own personal set of judges, has decided to drop out of the race to be the Republican presidential nominee in 2016.

Sad sad sad.

What is truly amazing about this is that there were people who looked at Scott Walker and thought, "yeah, he's presidential."

First Rick "The Glasses Make Me Look Smarter--Don't They?" Perry and now Scotty W.

Two weasels down...many more to go.

Pity the poor Koch Brothers. Their hand picked candidate couldn't keep his head above water in a nearly dry pond.

Who will they buy now?

In other news, it turns out "Free Mohammed Bobblehead Day" at Mecca wasn't such a good idea.

Go figure.

Remember When...

Remember when the Mexicans shipped all of those American manufacturing jobs to Asia?

And the poor billionaires who owned the companies were powerless against them?

Wasn't that something?

And remember, well before that, when those wily Mexicans sneaked up here, uninvited, and stole all those high paying fruit and vegetable picking, and lawn mowing jobs from good, honest Americans? Right under the noses of the farmers and growers who tried to stop them--but just couldn't?

Remember when the gays started their all out attack on the Middle Class back in the 80's?

Busting unions and driving down wages?

And that legendary conservative icon, Saint Ronald Reagan, attempted to prevent it, but was undermined by Hollywood and the Mainstream Media?

Remember when all those raging socialist bankers helped minority homeowners crash the entire world's economy?

Goddam Marxists!

Remember when the godless liberals started forcing women to have abortions? At gunpoint?

Grabbing them off the streets, and shoving them into the bloody hands of those butchers at Planned Parenthood?

Remember when the Clintons let the Iraqi's crash those planes into the World Trade Center?

If only George W. Bush and Dick Cheney had been in charge!

And finally, remember way back, centuries ago in fact, when all those "illegal immigrants" from Africa stormed our shores, and the good Christian people of the South took them in and gave them housing and jobs?

Boy, they never had it so good! And look at the way they thank us! Ingrates.
 
It's hard to keep track of all that stuff.

Thank God Fox News keeps me informed.

A Few Bad Apples

Every time a cop shoots an unarmed person--often in the back--or roughs up a bystander, or misbehaves in such an obviously egregious way that even a blind Tea Party Republican can see that it's wrong, we hear the same thing:

"Sure there are a few bad apples, but most of the police are professional and besides they have such a tough job that blah blah blah..."

Some of that might even be true.

But here's the deal:

The police NEVER willingly get rid of any of their "few" bad apples.

On the contrary, they fight like hell to justify the actions of any cop who does anything, no matter how heinous, to anyone.

And so, there's an ever lengthening trail of busted heads and corpses left behind by the seemingly endless supply of "a few bad apples."

Pestilence

The other day, The Rude Pundit compared Dick "The Dark Lord" Cheney to a cockroach.

As far as I'm concerned, that's an insult to cockroaches everywhere.

They ought to sue for defamation.

Of course, that's just my opinion. And enough about me.

Today's topic is "what kind of political party doesn't have the moral character to denounce a cockroach?"

Honestly, Dick Cheney has been wrong about everything during his entire political career.

At this point, he is nothing more or less than a war criminal. A frightening, frothing, clown, dripping with the blood of innocents.

And yet, whatever ridiculous nonsense he continues to spout, with or without his equally disgusting daughter at his side, not one of the current (or past) Republican presidential candidates has the balls to laugh at him. Indeed, many of them continue to respect and admire him and his "opinions".

Fuck him. Fuck his opinions.

I suppose I shouldn't be too surprised. The GOP is, after all, the home of Sarah Palin, Michele Bachmann, Louie Gohmert, Mike Huckabee, Steve King, Trent Franks, Tom Cotton, Ted Cruz, "You Lie!", death panels, "Hell of a job, Brownie", birthers, etc etc etc.

It really isn't a political party anymore.

It's an open air insane asylum, run by its inmates, and funded by a handful of billionaires.

The Gospel According To Mike Huckabee

Verily I say unto ye,

All will be forgiven!

Except the gays and the blacks and certain "loose" women and the Mexicans and the heathen and anybody else I don't cotton to.

For my God is a forgiving God...some of the time...for some of the people.

And because He loves us so--some of us at least--He shall send unto thee a child.

Well, not exactly a child.

More like a thrice married, sometime adulterous, hillbilly woman who has now "seen the light."

And this hillbilly woman, tho she may be deeply flawed in many ways, and seriously lacking in what those godforsaken liberals arrogantly call "intelligence", as if there were anything truly worth knowing besides "The Book", will be unto thee a fountain of knowledge.

And she will interpret for thee what thou should and shouldn't do in regards to mans' laws.

For mans' silly laws are always secondary to His laws.

Even if you've taken an oath on His book to dutifully abide by and administer their laws.

Verily this might be considered an ethical conundrum--if any of us knew what that was.

But obviously we don't, and that in and of itself must be part of His Great Plan.

So I sayeth unto thee, once and for always, Ignorance is truly Bliss.

Therefore, the more Ignorant the more Blissful.

Amen.

Other Donald Trump Pledges

By now you've probably heard that Donald J. Trump, alleged billionaire, multiple bankruptee, failed casino owner, angry white male, and still leading the Republican Presidential Nominee goat fuck, has pledged his fealty to whoever or whatever ultimately comes out ahead in the goat fucking.

Real team player, that Don.

But what you don't know about are some of the other pledges Trump has made:

Use only Mob approved concrete on his Keep The Mexicans Out Wall.

Get to the bottom of what the hell is going on with his "hair".

Create a low paying job for every non-union Polish temporary visa construction worker he can find.

Continue to spout ridiculous, inaccurate things about immigrants, minorities, women, President Obama, and random strangers--just because he can.

If elected, will restore America's pride and position in the world by showing all those other sad, little, unimportant countries that even with a rich, ego maniacal, blowhard, idiot in charge, we're still better than them.

Ditch wife number 3 if she starts to wrinkle or sag anywhere.

Be yooge, wonderful, super, and the best 24-7 365!

Deport his barber.

An Observation

Isn't it interesting how most, if not all, of the really big money guys turn out to be "boot on their faces" law and order types?

I mean, it's not like the masses ever rise up here in the "Bestest Country There Ever Was Or Ever Could Be."

They're too busy watching various Kardashians cavort for fame and fortune, or the mighty NFL (aka Noted Felons League).

But a little bit of social unrest or the slightest protest, e.g. Occupy Wall Street or Black Lives Matter, and the billionaires get all anxious that maybe the cops aren't being tough enough on the rabble.

Could it be because they know, deep down, that they are guilty of looting the nation's riches?

By rigging the tax codes, buying the Congress, fixing the exchanges, subverting the laws, and all those other "free market" tactics beloved by plutocrats everywhere.

And sooner or later, if the people ever wake up, there won't be enough cops to protect them...

A Modest Proposal

It cannot be repeated often enough:

Crazy people don't know they're crazy.

They're sure that everything they do and everything they believe is true and perfectly acceptable. In fact, it's the norm.

You really can't blame them for this.

They're crazy, after all.

It's up to some sane "voice of authority" to point out their madness.

Of course, if the only "voice of authority" they listen to agrees with them...

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you The Modern Republican Party!

And their enablers at Fox News.

So of course the president is an anti-American Kenyan socialist who hates white people! Women aren't smart enough to control their own bodies! Allowing gays to marry will make you gay, too! Or at the very least undermine your marriage! Poor people deserve their poverty! Money is speech and corporations are people! It's the Mexicans' fault! It's the unions' fault! It's the teachers' fault! Lower taxes on the rich help everyone! A livable minimum wage will destroy our economy! Police are always right to shoot black people!

I could go on, but...well...at this point, that would be crazy.

And, since there "ain't no cure for crazy", here's what we should do:

Take one of our more disposable states. Kansas for instance. Centrally located. Has had a crazy ass governor and legislature for years. Nothing worthwhile or irreplaceable in the entire state. So we put a big fence around it. Trump can build it, using Mob concrete, and all the non-union labor he can find. And then we put him and all the crazies in there. Let 'em roam free. Huckabee, Coulter, Hannity, Palin, Carson, Limbaugh, Gohmert, King, Walker, Drudge, Santorum, Cheney, Jindal, all of 'em. The Bush family can either join them--or move to Saudi Arabia.

I'm sure some of you are thinking, "gee Mr. Franklin, that's a bit extreme, isn't it?"

I prefer to call it "tough love".

And I think you'll agree, it's the only sane choice.

Lots of fresh air, corn based diet, all interior surfaces painted a soothing green, crafts.

No guns though.

Sane people are nothing if not compassionate.

Oh, and no healthcare, either. It's a privilege, not a right, and sorry, but they haven't earned it.

Why Republicans Hate Teachers

This is a simple one.

Teachers educate.

Educated people ask questions.

They understand facts.

They are repelled by bullshit.

They laugh at nonsensical statements.

They tend to reject racism and sexism and homophobia and xenophobia and anything to do with Ayn Rand.

In short, teachers teach people how not to be Republicans.

And that's why Republicans hate teachers.

Thank you, and good night.

Defining Deviancy Down

You're probably thinking, "Boy, there sure are a lot of Republicans who think they're qualified to be President of the United States of America!"

And then, after you stop laughing, you're probably thinking, "But none of them are! Not really. Not one!"

Here's the problem: after 8 years of George W. Bush, the bar was set sooooo low that anyone in the GOP with more than two functioning brain cells thought "Hey, if he was President, I could be President, too! Cool!"

Thank you, Simple W.

And then, because a (gasp) black man was elected, twice, (hahaha), the racist part of those dimly functioning brains thought, "Hey, I'm white! That automatically makes me superior to any non-white person. I should be President! Cool!"

It is a perfect storm of stupid, and hubris, and white privilege all twirling together that gives us people like Trump, Bush, Cruz, Santorum, Rubio, Perry, Graham, Kasich, Christie, and Walker.

Frankly, there is no rational explanation for Carly Fiorina or Bobby Jindal. Other than being purely delusional, that is.

And as for Ben Carson, well, a little too much surgical nitrous oxide is my guess. He's flat tripping.

A True "Axis Of Evil"

How about this:

You've got the completely amoral corporations. Whose only goal is to make as much profit as they can in whatever way they can.

Then you've got the amoral corporations' bought and paid for Congressmen and judges. Who do what they're told to do, however detrimental to the nation it may be.

And finally, a militarized police force keeping the rabble in line. A force made up in large part by racists and sociopaths. By the way, the "rabble" includes most of us.

There's your All-American Axis Of Evil.

Works for me.

Stupid Never Goes Out Of Style

Lemme see if I've got this right.

The same guys who told us that the Iraq War would be "a cake walk" and that the "war would pay for itself" and that "Saddam had WMD's and was this close to getting nukes" and that "we would be welcomed as liberators" and who cheered numbnuts' "Mission Accomplished" photo op like teenage girls at a Justin Bieber concert, are telling us now just how awful the President's Iran deal is...

And some poor, dumb, bastards actually believe them!

This is the true beauty of America: you can be wrong about everything. Everything. Every fucking thing!

And they'll still find a place for you on the Sunday chat shows to expound upon whatever topic you choose.

All those chickenhawk punks get a place at the table. Cheney, Graham, Bolton, Wolfowitz,  Kristol, and every last one of the Bushes.

Oh, and let's not forget John "Bomb Iran" McCain, who is supposed to be so wise about foreign affairs...without there being any evidence to prove that supposition.

And yet some media types continue to pretend that these clowns' totally empty heads contain knowledge.

Hey, if you're stupid enough to fall for that again you are, quite simply, beyond redemption, and you deserve whatever happens to you and yours.

The Next Big Thing

You're probably tired of all those "real" housewive shows.

And any and all Kardashians.

But still, you desperately want, nay need, a steady dose of what we somewhat oddly call "reality" TV.

So here it is, The Next Big Thing:

We get some of these bounty hunter guys, you know, the really inbred, mercenary wannabes, and we give them wrong information.

Like "so and so is hiding out here."

And we choose a "here" that is the home (or trailer, or hut, or whatever) of a heavily armed Second Amendment type.

Then just set up the cameras, stand back, and let the fun begin!

Oh My

Boy, you live long enough and you see all sorts of really strange shit.

Like Chris Hardballs talking to Michele "I don't actually have a functioning brain" Bachmann as if she were some sort of foreign policy expert.

As if anything she could possibly say would have any value--other than comedic.

But it happened!

You can't make something like that up.

If you did, they'd say you were crazy.

Wow.

I also heard another noted talking head saying how "smooth" Marco "Remember To Hydrate" Rubio was.

I don't know where he gets his definitions from, but he must be using a different dictionary than I do.

Live From The Monkey House!

I've never witnessed this, but reliable sources tell me that monkeys and apes in captivity frequently hurl their feces at human spectators.

Now, I don't know how you feel about Charles Darwin and that whole descent of man/origin of the species thing, but I am sure that that behavior is exactly what we can expect from the Republican debates.

And I, for one, can't wait!

PS Don't sit too close to the stage.

It's Nothing Personal. It's Just Business.

Remember old Joe Stalin?

Psychopathic murderer of millions--friend and foe alike?

Fred Koch's business partner? (look it up.)

Yes, the Koch Bros' daddy made a fortune doing business with Stalin Inc. aka the Soviet Union.

But hey, a bucks a buck! Am I right?

And as long as there are dollars to be made, it really doesn't matter how they are made.

Or with whom.

That is the reductio ad absurdum of capitalism.

Therefore, the Koch Brothers will pollute all the air and water they have to to extract every last ounce of oil or coal or minerals or whatever it is...

And why they would sell off our national parks to the highest bidders.

You might see these parks as an ongoing gift to all of us. Part of our common inheritance.

That's where you're wrong. You'll never get rich, certainly not Koch rich, with that kind of socialist thinking. What the national parks really are are under-performing assets. And every asset needs to be maximized.

Now, you might think that's crazy, but when you see every single thing on earth as a potential dollar to be made, it makes perfect sense.

That Good Ol' Cop Mentality...

I bet you've had a few times in your life when you had to deal with cops.

I know I have.

Sometimes the cops were cool. Sometimes the cops were partial, or complete, assholes.

I never got shot, though.

Because, well, you know...

White Privilege.

Today, thanks to the wonders of technology, a week does not pass without photographic proof that cops kill black people all of the time.

Male and female, young and old, belligerent or not.

Cops kill black people.

Shoot them. Choke them. Beat them.

To pretend that this is not the case, or that this is rare, or that the same thing happens to white people with the same frequency*, is just pure nonsense.

To pretend that this is not a serious problem, and that we don't need to completely reassess how we hire and train policeman, including in-depth psychological evaluations, is insane.

And any politician or pundit--or cop, for that matter--who tells you otherwise is a goddamn liar.

*I have noticed that recently the cops seem to be trying to catch up with their abuse of white folks; but they still have a long, long, long way to go.

A Hero Ain't Nothing But A Sandwich

Once and for all, John McCain, R-Hensley, is not a hero.

He flew a plane. He got shot down. He was a POW.

He suffered greatly and he survived.

End of story.

Since then, as an elected representative of the good people of Arizona, using his actual suffering and his mythical "heroism" as crutches every step of the way, he has done very, very little, almost nothing in fact, nada, zip, for the state.

Of course, you are not allowed to mention that.

To be fair, he did loose on the world the free form comedy stylings of one Sarah Palin, for which we should be eternally grateful.

But still...

This doesn't make Donald J. Trump any less of an asshole. However, it should be noted that the hypocrisy of the Republicans in l'affaire Trump v. McCain is truly breathtaking.

This is the party, after all, that warmly applauded the Swift boating of John Kerry.

And let's not forget what they did to Max Cleland, either.

But those were Democrats, and therefore, by Republican Tea Party standards, prima facie un-American traitors.

The "Permanent War" Party

The President's Iran deal is bad because, well...

War is the only American export we can always rely on!

And if you take that away from us, and by us I mean our defense contractors, who will be able to bribe our congressmen at the level they've come to expect?

Besides the Koch brothers, I mean.

After all, steak dinners at The Palm don't pay for themselves.

Remember when old Ike warned us about the Military Industrial Complex? (Eisenhower, by the way, was our greatest general who never actually saw combat--which makes him a model for all Republican chickenhawks past, present and future.)

Of course, he warned us as he was going out the door. And after allowing 8 years of non-stop growth for the Complex and their good buddies over at the CIA.

But still...

Anyway, JFK, who had seen combat, was in the process of removing us from Vietnam and reaching out to both Cuba and the USSR when he went down to Dallas.

LBJ quickly undid all that. And some of his Texas buddies made a killing building military bases in Southeast Asia.

Nixon gave us more of the same in Vietnam. Though detente and the opening with China must have scared some of our war lovers silly. Ford was a cypher and a punchline. Carter started the supplying of the mujahedin. Reagan was a godsend for defense contractors, what with the Evil Empire, Iran-Contra, and Star Wars. Like pigs in slop. Old Bush had his war. Clinton was the best Republican president of my lifetime. Dumb Bush/Cheney was another godsend for the war machine, after September 11th gave us a shiny new enemy to carry us forward.

And Obama wants to take some--not all--but some of that, away!

What, is he crazy?

War is what we do best. We've had a lot of practice.

Thank God we have the brave (well, chickenhawk brave) men and women of the Republican Party, and their partners over at Fox News, to stand in the way of anything even remotely looking like peace.

Signor Baseball's Mid-Season Update

Well, as Al Pacino was heard to shout, repeatedly, in Heat, "whadda ya got?"

Out in the NL West, your Arizona Diamondbacks, where it should be noted that Randy Kendrick, the wife of principal owner Ken Kendrick, just loves her some Koch Bros to death*, are better than I thought they'd be. Especially with that starting pitching. They also have a couple of legitimate young stars. The San Diego Padres are not nearly as good as I thought they'd be. Pitching problems here, too. And they brought in a bunch of talent that just doesn't fit together. Colorado is in last, where they belong, and so once again it's Dodgers vs Giants. Ho hum. The only question is which round of the playoffs will Clayton Kershaw fail in this time?

In the Central, the Cardinals are starting to come back to the pack a little. The Pirates look like they have enough pitching to stay with St. Louis the rest of the way, and at the very least grab a Wild Card. In Cutch we Trust. The Cubs are still a year away. And both Cincinnati and Milwaukee are major disappointments. Look for fire sales soon from the Reds and Brewers...

In the East, Washington is by far the strongest team. But since they haven't really won anything yet, it's hard to pick them to go all the way to the Series. The Mets have great pitching and very little offense, the Braves always find a way to hang around, and the Marlins still have a seemingly inexhaustible supply of young talent and probably the worst owner in MLB. And that's saying something. Overall, however, it looks like this is the Nationals' division to win or lose. Finally, in the City of Brotherly Love, the poor Phillies will have a "going out of business sale" very soon. Pray that your team gets Cole Hamels.

In the AL West, Seattle and Oakland have underperformed so far. That Robinson Cano contract is starting to look like a disaster for the Mariners, even sooner than predicted. But since Houston (!) is starting to fade, (sorry end-timers, but I think you'll have to "wait until next year" for that Astros vs Cubs World Series that was prophesied in the Book of Revelations), Texas is mediocre at best, and despite Trout and Pujols putting up huge numbers, Los Angeles isn't that good, should either team play just a little bit better, they'll be right back in the race.

In the Central, Cleveland and Chicago are the Cincinnati and Milwaukee of the American League. Fortunately, they haven't dug quite as deep holes. So, win a series here and there and there's still hope. Unless, of course, the Royals play .600 ball the rest of the way. The surprising Twins are short of pitching and should fade over the next few weeks. And Detroit has way too much talent to not be in the race until the bitter end. Unless, of course, the Royals play .600 ball the rest of the way.

Finally in the East, the Yankees may be in first place, but every team still has a shot at winning this division. There are no superior pitching staffs, each team is flawed in some serious way, and even the Red Sox, who sucked for the first two and a half months, aren't out of it. It's beginning to look like a "decided the last weekend" kind of year. There might even be a Wild Card team from the East, based on how the other divisions are muddling along.

*Where would we be without really stupid rich people to keep us entertained? Nowhere, mon frere!

Stay Classy, Donald. Stay Classy!

The thing you have to remember about one Donald J. Trump, Republican, is, that while he may not believe everything he says, the vast majority of the Republican base does.

That's the beauty of this thing.

He is, knowingly or not, intentionally or not, unmasking them for what they truly are.

They are birthers, they are racists, they are xenophobes, they are ignorant in so many different ways and in so many different areas. They are, more often than not, batshit crazy.

I've said it before and I'll say it again:

Once you take the stopper out of the crazy bottle, it's impossible to put it back in.

Enjoy!

Jeb!

Is this a great country, or what?

Case in point:

Here's a guy whose grandfather happily did business with the German banks that backed Hitler. And, if that wasn't enough, he also was reportedly part of a plot to overthrow FDR.

Whose father was a CIA stooge.

Whose brother is the only true imbecile we've ever had as President.

And yet, given all that, and believe me, there's more, Jebber Jabber is considered the "serious" Republican presidential candidate by both the Republican establishment and the mainstream media.

Like Don King says, "only in America!"

Clown Time Is Never Over

Time flies, and before you know it, registered Republicans across this great land of ours will have to make the difficult decision of choosing which disastrous current or former governor to anoint as their party's presidential candidate.

Of course, they could pick from the covey of past and present truly awful U.S. senators running for the job.

Then there's always the business woman who almost ruined a major American corporation.

Or the noted surgeon who has the political intelligence of a salamander.

What about the bigoted blowhard billionaire, who makes the noted surgeon look like Thomas Jefferson?

So little time and so many buffoons to choose from!

Time To Move On

Progress comes in fits and starts.

Two steps forward, a long pause, maybe a step backward or sideways.

Followed by another long pause...

Sometimes it happens so slowly, it's almost unrecognizable.

But change is inevitable.

And, like the man said, "The arc of the moral universe is long, but it bends towards justice."

During the last week we've seen a glimpse of that.

Followed by the usual suspects screaming their fool heads off.

Imagine how far we'd get if so may of our people weren't digging in their heels, trying desperately to stop the clock, block our forward motion, or even take us backward.

The Smart One

Ah, so the Chosen One has decided to enter the race!

Jeb '16!

How very, very, lucky we are!

Prepare yourselves for an avalanche of bullshit, delivered in the inimitable Bush style.

Bullshit about Iraq, and ISIS, and Iran, and the economy, and climate change, and deregulation, and oil, and Israel, and China, and Russia, and Obama, and Hillary, and abortion, and education, and job creation, and unions, and immigration.

Oh, and let's not forget "compassionate conservatism"!

Most everything Jebber Jabber says will be a lie, easily disproved with a few minutes effort.

Same as it ever was with the Bush family.

As you listen to this non-stop palaver, always remember one thing:

He's "the smart one."

Send In The Clown

Donald J. Trump for President!

Our prayers have been answered.

That's the beauty of this world: Comedy is everywhere...

I mean, here's a wealthy, loose cannon, seemingly suffering from Tourette's Syndrome, shooting off his mouth without any inner censor. He's pure Id, unrestrained by logic, common sense, common decency, or any kind of political knowledge.

All he knows is he's rich, he's entitled, he's aggrieved, and he has a big, big mouth. A perfect storm of stupid.

The Republican presidential primaries and debates are destined to become unhinged, anarchic, performance art! More than usual, that is.

If this were happening to any other political party, I might have some sympathy.

But, well...the Republicans deserve Donald J. Trump.

The head clown is here, let the circus begin!

Speaking of clowns, naturally Bill-o The Clown O'Reilly likes Trump because loud mouthed white boors need each other to survive. It's a symbiotic relationship.

Finally, Karl Rove says Trump is a "complete idiot". And if anyone knows about complete idiots it would be 'ol Turdblossom, aka Bush's Brain.

The Ice Follies

After years of being kicked in the nuts by their various sport team "partners", the City of Glendale Arizona has finally taken a stand against one of them.

Someone with basic math skills pointed out to the mayor and a majority of the city council that they can't afford to keep paying the Arizona Coyotes $15 million a year and also keep the lights on for the rest of the city's municipal obligations. So they've moved to terminate the team's lease, which was essentially a holdover from the legendary debacle created by former Mayor Elaine Scruggs' idiot cabal.

Naturally, the Coyotes' tiny fan base, the vast majority of whom don't live anywhere near Glendale, are irate.

See, this is Arizona in the 21st Century.

You can underfund education, you can make sure that guns are welcome everywhere, you can stigmatize minorities, you can make sure poor people have no healthcare options but the emergency room, you can gut basic services left and right, and that's all OK with the citizenry.

But potentially take away one of their circuses, and listen to them howl!

Now, if the Coyotes' ownership had any kind of civic conscience, even just a drop of it, they would be concerned about the public welfare of their "home".

They would worry that if the City of Glendale can't afford basic services because of what they are contractually obliged to pay the Coyotes, the area will suffer, and, by extension, they will suffer.

Remember, this is their "home" we're talking about.

They would happily renegotiate what is clearly an awful, unsustainable deal for the city.

But, of course, they don't give a damn about anything but the money.

They want their money and by God they're gonna get their money! And if they have to sue to get it, and maybe force Glendale into bankruptcy, they will.

Mediocre hockey uber alles!

Let Glendale crash and burn.

The Coyotes will just pick through the wreckage for anything valuable and then move on to the next sucker...

And there's always a next sucker.

Do As I Say--Not As I Do

That, my friends, is quite obviously the motto of fundamentalist Christian Republicans all across this great land of ours.

You know, your Palins, your Duggars, your Huckabees, and so on and so forth. You know, all the folks who would gladly welcome a theocracy.

When they do something bad, they will ask for forgiveness, and their merciful, compassionate God will shrug and forgive them.

When you do something that they consider bad, you will suffer the torments of eternal damnation.

Apologize all you want, you are an irredeemable sinner.

Now I ask you, as a theology, how fucked up is that?

We Regulate Businesses Because Some Businessmen Are Crooked As A Dog's Hind Leg

I love it when the bought and paid for conservative politicians (of both parties) start whining about "onerous government regulations" stifling business.

If only we could unleash the might of the free market and pure capitalism, everything would be perfect!

The primary reason we have these regulations is because at some point, some upstanding business man, usually a pillar of the community, and quite probably a life long Republican, decided to see how much he could fuck over the populace.

Whether by poisoning the air, water, or food supply, or screwing over his workers, or cutting corners on safety, or any one of a seemingly endless number of shortcuts to save himself a buck, all while potentially harming the rest of us.

Now, the conservative/libertarian argument against regulation is that, if you hurt and/or kill enough people, eventually you'll be forced out of business by the "self-correcting" marketplace..............

Eventually.

That is just about the stupidest argument I can think of. A clever child wouldn't make that argument.

And yet we have allegedly "serious" politicians who do just that.

Madness, I tells ya. Shear madness.

Wouldn't It Be Fun To Drown Grover Norquist In A Bathtub?

Just asking.

You understand this is a purely intellectual exercise.

Calculate the depth and width of the tub. The amount of water needed. The temperature of the water.

I suppose we should make it look like an accident, too.

What would that involve? A glass of wine? Pills?

Perhaps he slipped and hit his head...that would explain any necessary blunt force trauma.

See how complicated this sort of thing can be?

But fun. Oh yes, fun fun fun!

And also, what's the word?

Ironic.

Trying Hard To Be The Worst State In The Union

It's an uphill battle.

Mississippi, Alabama and the Carolinas all have a big head start.

Texas and Oklahoma work 24/7 to be truly awful.

Kansas has made a huge leap into the abyss just recently.

Florida is, well, Florida.

But by God, under the direction of Governor Doug "Cup or Waffle Cone" Ducey, and the billionaires who bought him his office, and with the unwavering support of quite possibly the pound for pound stupidest legislature in these United States, Arizona is closing fast!

Don't misunderestimate us!

We have both a massive inferiority complex and a desperate need to be first in something.

We won't guarantee that you have minimal healthcare, or a good education, or a reliable safety net should hard times come--but we will never let anyone infringe on your right to be a gun lovin' asshole.

This is our chance.

This is our time.

Arizona: the "If You're Poor Just Do Us A Favor And Die" State!

Just Another Freak Show

The Duggar family, the reality TV clan famous for rabbit like fecundity if nothing else, have become right wing darlings. 

They preach abstinence before marriage and the usual collection of right wing crap. Anti-gay, anti-abortion, etc. They are courted by conservative politicians hoping to tap into that wide, rich, vein of unnatural stupidity that runs through the heartland of this great country of ours.

One of their sons, Josh Duggar, likes to molest little girls. In a pinch, his own sisters.

Oops.

Well, why waste the gas and travel time?

Besides, family values. Am I right?!

This is really not too surprising. You deny natural urges and all sorts of weird stuff bubbles up.

Take the Catholic Church, for instance.

Or the Christian televangelists who rant and rave, spit flying everywhere, all the way to the bank.

I suppose the question we should be asking ourselves is "how many perverts can you cram into one religion?"

I don't need a hard number, just ballpark it for me, would ya?

Not to worry, little Duggar.

Your God will forgive you... because apparently your God is as big a creep as you are.

Amen.

Standard Deviation

So Bruce Jenner has been a woman trapped in man's body all these years.

OK. Fine. I'm sure that happens more than we can guess. And it's not really the business of anyone who isn't directly involved. Even if they do decide to make it into a TV show...

I wish him peace and happiness and inner contentment after what must have been a lifetime of feeling "other".

But he's also announced that he's a Republican at heart.

How you can identify yourself with a party that has spent decades demonizing the "other", including you and people like you, is beyond me.

Hell brother, some of them want to kill people like you! And most of the rest wish you'd just disappear yourself.

Are lower taxes really worth all that?

Starring Jeb Bush As The Human Weather Vane

Remember that scene from Chinatown when Jack Nicholson is fed up being lied to and starts slapping Faye Dunaway around and Dunaway keeps saying "she's my sister, she's my daughter, my sister, my daughter" and so on?

Well Old Jebber kinda reminded me of that with his Iraq War talk.

Except there wasn't anybody there to slap the truth out of him.

Yup, he more or less did that all to himself.

"I would. I wouldn't. I would. I wouldn't."

That high pitched "whirrrrr" you thought was tinnitus? That's just Jeb, spinning!

And he's supposed to be the "smart" one.

Then again, in that family "smart" is a relative term.

A Brief Message From God

Hi, Almighty here.

Had a couple of shots of Irish so forgive any punctuation, spelling or syntax errors.

Hey, wait a minute! I sort of invented all that shit, so I guess I can change it any time I want. Cool.

It's really fun being omniscient and omnipotent, and, uh, you know, that other stuff.

But even with all that, I still had the Spurs in six.

I mean, Jesus H. make your free throws!

Now, where was I? Oh yeah. There are a lot of folks claiming that I spoke to them and told them to run for president. Some clowns named Huckabee and Santorum and, oh hell I can't remember all the rest of their names, because frankly, it's a big universe, and I really don't have any reason to.

There are much more interesting things going on elsewhere. You should see some of the shit that I see! For example, on the far edges of the galaxy, the Kardashians would qualify as a model of well adjusted family life.

Anyhoo, even though I'm 100% certain that these folks are hearing voices, I'm also 100% certain that they aren't hearing mine.

As a general rule, when someone says "God told them" to do something, they crazy. Keep an eye on them. And whatever you do, don't let them be in charge of anything. Anything.

I don't talk to people, OK? Never have, never will. Not my style. I set things up so that sane people could make sane choices. Not would. Could. The fact that some of you choose to go in exactly the opposite direction is not my problemo.

Oh, and just between you and Me, when you pray, you're pretty much talking to yourself. It all goes into a file that I'll probably never get around to reading. Sort of like the NSA.

Also, I don't care who wins any football game or boxing match. Or any sporting event, really.

But I will say this: the Patriots would've beaten the Colts if they played with bowling balls.

One last thing. OBAMA 2016: Just To Piss You Off.

God out.

Quote Of The Day

"I think I'm the best person for the job because I understand how the economy actually works. I understand the world; who's in it."

Carly Fiorina, announcing her candidacy to be the 2016 Republican presidential nominee, said that.

Yes she did.

This would be the same Carly Fiorina who almost ran Hewlett-Packard into the ground. Along the way, she laid off 30,000 workers, while giving herself large bonuses.

When she was finally ousted by the H-P Board of Directors, she walked away with a Golden Parachute worth an estimated 40 million dollars.

Hey, she does understand how the economy works! For some people...

Wow. Just when you thought the Klown Kar couldn't possibly get any, uh, klownier....it does!

With Letterman and Jon Stewart retiring, I was worried about the state of comedy in these troubled times.

No need! We can always count on The Republican Party to be a consistently reliable source of both mad cap zaniness, and groundbreaking political satire 24-7 365!

Print The Legend

As you may recall, in the classic John Ford western "The Man Who Shot Liberty Valance", the man who became famous for shooting Liberty Valance wasn't the man who actually shot Liberty Valance.

When he tries to explain this to a bunch of journalists at the end of the picture, one of them replies:

"This is the West, sir. When the legend becomes fact...print the legend."

I was reminded of this recently while reading about the fabled charge up San Juan Hill, in the Spanish American War.

Did you know that a company of black Buffalo Soldiers fought their way to the top of the hill either well before or at precisely the same time as Teddy Roosevelt and his Roughriders? (Historians disagree on the exact timing.)

I didn't.

Their white commander called them the bravest men he ever saw.

I didn't know that either.

But when you see the pictures celebrating the famous charge, there's the Roughriders, that strange amalgam of Harvard toffs and western shitkickers, and there's Teddy with that crazy look in his eyes. And not a single black face in sight.

Now, I'm not saying that Teddy and his boys weren't brave, too. I'm just saying....well, you know what I'm saying.

(Curiously, the 'hero' of the film, the man who did shoot Liberty Valance, did it from the side, at night, out of a dark alley, while Valance's attention was elsewhere...hmmm...makes you wonder about the nature of some kinds of heroism, don't it? John Ford was a complex man.)

This Space For Sale

Since, as they say at the Audubon Society, it's never too early to feather your own nest, I'd like to announce that my Republican presidential endorsement for 2016 is up for sale to the highest bidder.

And in keeping with the finest traditions of the Citizens United era of this great land of ours, I expect it to go for a pretty penny.

So, get out your checkbooks boys! Call all of your fave billionaires and get busy bribing me.

In the interest of full disclosure my endorsement doesn't include my vote. I wouldn't vote for any of you if you put a gun to my head. Jesus, what a bunch of pandering scum!

But still, if there's money to be made off this election, and there surely is, I want my share.

And I really don't care who it comes from: Shelly "King of the Jews" Adelson,  either Koch brother, one of those libertarian halfwits that Silicon Valley seems to crap out on a regular basis, or any other billionaire weasel trying to buy up our democracy.

I ain't particular.

All I ask is small bills and non-sequential serial numbers.

Thank You,

And God Bless America.

Another Brief Memo To The Republican Party About 2016

Another Bush?!  Rand Paul? Rick Perry? Scott Walker? Marco Rubio? Ted Cruz? Chris Christie? (Shudder)

Hey Guys! It's not your candidates, though face it, they are, almost without exception, loathsome, demi-humans.

It's your stupid shit, ante-bellum, anti-women, anti-gay, anti-minority, anti-workers, anti-sanity, anti-environment policies.

Now, don't get me wrong, I don't mention this because I care about the future of the Republican Party.

Fuck the Republican Party. Seriously.

No, I mention this because every single thing you do is just so aesthetically unpleasing. It harshes my mellow.

Anyway, I know you won't listen because, despite your overall awfulness, you'll still pull in the hillbilly, racist, homophobe, misogynist, free market, Ayn Rand, Luddite, Creationist, Bible thumpin', regressive, gun lovin', mouth breathing, brain dead, xenophobe dipshit vote.

You know, the Big Tent.

Plus, whatever the failings of your candidates, you can always count on handouts from the vile billionaire Koch brothers and their ilk, who collect and trade Republicans like kids with YuGiOh cards. To re-purpose an old Churchill (or perhaps GB Shaw) quote: "We've already determined what you are. Now we're just haggling about the price."

So hey, never mind. Keep up the good work!

Signor Baseball's 2015 AL Preview

Get out your needles and your "juice", A-Rod is back! That's right, it's time for our "National Pastime" to resume. Brace yourself for a summer of 4 hour games, endless pitching changes, blown calls even with replay, Tommy John surgeries, phenoms who fail, Cuban defectors, and all the other stuff that still fascinates those of us of a certain age or a certain mind set.

In general, the American League seems to be racing towards something like parity, irrespective of the amount teams can spend. This has nothing to do with the triumph of the free market, by the way. The smart boys in Vegas have a whole bunch of teams bunched around the 84-85 win mark, with none clearly dominant.

Which means Signor Baseball has no idea who is going to win.

But having no idea about what you're talking about is as American as, well, baseball, so here goes:

In the East, the Orioles are the class of the division, unless the dreaded--and inevitable--BSFS, (Buck Showalter Fatigue Syndrome), has started to set in. If it hasn't, Baltimore, which is loaded everywhere, might run away by mid Summer. By the way, Mrs. Franklin, young Ben Jr. and I had tickets to game six of the ALCS at Camden Yard last Fall. But there wasn't a game six because the Orioles got blown out by the Royals. The Royals! After a down year, Boston went out and bought bunches of ball players. A Panda now plays third base and a shortstop now plays left field. Most everybody in the Red Sox lineup can hit, a few of them can actually catch the ball, and if their pitching stays healthy they can hang close to the Orioles. Toronto has Russell Martin at catcher, which means the Blue Jays will probably make the playoffs, because teams with Russell Martin at catcher almost always make the playoffs.You can look it up, as they say. In the big city, the New York Yankees will need an injury free year from their entire team, especially their pitching staff, to contend. The odds of that happening are the same as the odds of Alex Rodriguez ever getting into the Hall of Fame. Derek Jeter's replacement, Didi Gregorius, has a major league glove, superior range, and a suspect bat--but if everyone else could hit, it wouldn't matter. Unfortunately, everyone else can't hit...Gardner, Texeira, McCann, Ellsbury, and a couple others can still play a little, but most of them are on the downward slope career wise, and unless everything falls into place the Yanks will battle the Rays to stay out of last place. How Tampa reacts to losing their manager and their best starter is anyone's guess. Their handful of faithful fans will be sad, but the vast majority of Floridians won't care a bit.

The Central should be a free-for-all right until the bitter end. Detroit has gone from having three number 1 starters (for all the good it did them in the playoffs last year) to just one to start the season. But they still have a lot of punch, and if Verlander can return to form the Tigers will be fine. Cleveland has a solid manager, a Cy Young winner and some good young hitters. Chicago added pitching and hitting. And Kansas City is the defending American League champion. So put those four teams in a hat and pick one. I'm going White Sox, Tigers, Indians, Royals. But it could be the exact inverse of that. Or something in between. Anything is possible in this best of all possible worlds. I mean, the Royals, for God's sake, were in the World Series last year. The Royals! That couldn't happen again this year...Could it? In this harrowing time, full of uncertainty, one thing is certain: The Minnesota Twins will finish last. Sorry Minnesotans...at least you still have all of those nice lakes to enjoy. 10,000, isn't it? That should keep you busy.

Out West, Texas had a nightmare, injury plagued season last year, and should've been primed to bounce back to close to a .500 record. Unfortunately, they've already lost their best starter for the entire season. A cynic might say this was God's punishment on Texas for giving us the Bush family. I will leave it to the theologians to hash that out. Besides, a .500 record wouldn't get the Rangers to the top of the division. Seattle is better, Oakland is better, California is better, and the Astros are, uh...never mind the Astros. But the A's traded away a big bat for a rent-an-ace only to fall apart late last year, and the Angels have spent a ton of money recently with disappointing results, so let's take the Mariners to win. I mean, why not? After the Super Bowl our hyper caffeinated friends in the Northwest need something to lift the gloom. Let's put the A's second, and the Angels, who seem to be acting like complete pricks in l'affaire Hamilton, third. That leaves the two Texas teams battling to stay out of the cellar. The Good Book tells us that one day the first shall be last, and the last shall be first. Or something like that. But not this year. Sorry Houston.

Of course, like a Republican presidential candidate, I could be wrong about everything. No matter; nobody--besides the NSA--is keeping track of this stuff anyway...

Signor Baseball's 2015 NL Preview

Hey Man! Forget about wealth inequality and climate change and ISIS/ISIL and racism and sexism and all the other isms we seem doomed to wallow in. It's baseball season! Spring for the MLB package, get the big Costco bag of chips, load up the Frigidaire with cheap beer and relax....Bread and circuses baby!

The National League East should be all Washington. They've added Max Scherzer to an already strong pitching staff and have more than enough hitting to get by. So get ready for the Nationals to more or less run away with it...And then get ready for Matt Williams to screw up the bullpen in the playoffs and the watch the Nationals crash and burn. Again.  Miami, even with their farm system churning out a seemingly endless supply of good young players, doesn't look strong enough to contend for the whole season, and Atlanta has lost too many big bats and arms to be feared, though the Braves always seem to come up with new talent from somewhere. Both teams should keep pace with Washington for awhile, but eventually drift back, with little or no chance at a wild card. The Mets will be better--perhaps even the best team in New York--for whatever that is worth these days. Unless Matt Harvey blows out his arm again. At that point their season will be reduced to guessing what Bartolo Colon weighs. The Philadelphia Phillies have, right before our eyes, gone from being the strength of the division to being a train wreck. By mid season, Cole Hamels, who deserves better, will sue for lack of support and demand to be traded anywhere.

In the Central, if you believe the hype, the Chicago Cubs are legitimate contenders. New manager, new ace, best farm system in the majors. On the other hand, they've sent a player who sounds like the second coming of Mike Schmidt down to the minors for a few weeks to save some money. Don't you just love it when billionaires pinch pennies?  Oh, and they screwed up rebuilding the bleachers so badly that Wrigley Field will now look like a construction site for the first two months of the season. Sounds like the same old Cubs to me. The Cardinals are still the team to beat, just like last year, and the year before that, and the year before that, and... St. Louis will be closely followed by the Pirates, with their all-star outfield, the Brewers, who gacked up a big lead last year in fairly impressive fashion, and the Cincinnati Reds, who always look better on paper than they really are. However, if the Cubs are as advertised, this might be a 5 team race to the very end, with a wild card probably coming from this division as well.

Out West, even with all the line-up changes, San Francisco and Los Angeles are still at the top of the heap.The Dodgers have the highest payroll in MLB, and that ought to count for something--shouldn't it? I mean, look at the Yankees...The Giants, on the other hand, just win World Series on a regular basis with strong pitching, Buster Posey, and any seven other guys they can find. Somebody in "The City" must know what they're doing. San Diego got themselves a whole new outfield, a #1 starter, an elite closer and should compete. They look impressive on paper, but the Padres' Petco Field seems to be a place where power hitters go to die. So Meyers, Kemp, and the "good" Upton may just end up with a lot of long outs. Arizona has a new manager, no everyday big league catcher, a starting staff you've never heard of, and the look of a non-contender. They spent a lot of money on a Cuban kid who apparently can't field very well, wherever they put him. Maybe someday the Diamondbacks will start an everyday lineup with real major leaguers at every position. To quote Principal Skinner, "Prove me wrong kids, prove me wrong." They will be lucky to stay a little ahead of Colorado, which is still a lovely place to spend the summer. And that legal weed should help people cope with yet another mediocre Rockies team. You have to wonder at what point Tulowitzki says "get me out of here!"

But hey, it's a long, long season and anything is possible, so "play ball!"

Dear Israel,

Dear Israel,

Nobody said you couldn't have a war with Iran--if that's what you really want.

Just do it on your own dime.

Let's see how long Sheldon Adelson can keep you afloat...

Shalom!

Your Pal,

The Good Old USA

PS remember the U.S.S. Liberty?

Clarifying The Situation

Personally, I think it's great when a state codifies its prejudices and/or general stupidity. For one thing, it removes all doubt about what vermin they have as their governor and in their legislatures.

And that's a good thing!

Because now, when they pretend that they aren't bigoted, phony Christian, science denying, gerrymandering, vote suppressing, homophobic, misogynistic, sociopathic assholes, we can say, "hey, but you made this law, which clearly indicates that you are!"

Ha ha ha.

Not that it will matter to the idiots that elected them, but still...

So go Indiana! Go Arizona! Go Arkansas! Go Texas! Go Florida! Go Mississippi! Go North Carolina! Go South Carolina! Go Oklahoma! Go Kansas!

Hmmm, I see a definite pattern here...

Today's Chuckle

The other day, one of the buddies of Governor Doug "Cup or Waffle Cone" Ducey was quoted as saying that Arizona needed to get rid of Common Core and instead institute "Arizona" standards for education.

What makes this so funny is that Arizona has no education standards. We've proved this for many years now. Many of our elected officials are proud of this fact. Indeed, they run on a promise of maintaining it. And since they continue to be elected and re-elected, the typical Arizona voter must agree with them.

We also have no standards for political candidates. We prove this on a daily, if not hourly, basis, too.

Obviously, these two missing standards go hand in hand.

Oy Vey!

So Bibi Netanyahu will say anything to win an election?

There's a big surprise.

And having won, he will then retract what he said to appease the U.S. ?

Another big surprise.

Of course, the biggest surprise is that anyone still believes he won't do everything he can to destroy what's left of the Palestinians. After all, that has been the heart and soul of Israeli policy since the very first Zionists.

I mean, come on! Who you gonna believe, Bibi or your lying eyes?

Hey, I understand why Israel needs us.

But for the life of me I can't think of why we need them...except, perhaps, to salve our feeling of residual guilt about the Holocaust.

Oh, and by the way, John McCain telling President Obama to get over his "temper tantrum" is the funniest thing I've heard in awhile. McCain's entire political career has been an off and on temper tantrum.

And it's been continuously on since the 2008 election.

Field Guide To The 2016 Republican Presidential Candidates

Marco "Don't Forget To Hydrate!" Rubio

Jeb "I'm The Smart One--No Really!" Bush. (Honestly, in that family, he just might be. But isn't that very much like being the tallest pygmy?)

Mike "Hey, I Got To Jam With Ted Nugent!" Huckabee

Chris "What Do You Mean Lard Isn't A Food Group?" Christie

Sarah "I'm Still Here And I'm Still Babbling Incoherently" Palin

Scott "Ruining A State Is Just The Beginning" Walker

Ted "Living Proof The Ivy League Isn't All It's Cracked Up To Be" Cruz

Rick "The Glasses Make Me Look Smarter, Right?" Perry

Rand "Fill In The Blank" Paul ("I mean, really, I'll say whatever you want me to say. Just tell me what you want me to say.") AKA Rand "I Honestly Can't Open My Mouth Without Saying Something Stupid--God Knows I've Tried" Paul

Ben "Being A Surgeon Requires Less Intelligence Than You'd Think" Carson

Donald "If I Were A Human Being I'd Be Appalled By Me" Trump

Willard Mitt "Wouldn't It Be Easier If I Just Bought The Presidency?" Romney (Willard says he's not going to run and, by God, I believe him! Just like I believed him when he said he cared about poor people...)

Of course, there's always room in the Klown Kar for one more...

You Know Austerity Doesn't Work, Don't You?

You've got to give it up to Arizona Governor Doug "Cup Or Waffle Cone?" Ducey and all of his ideologue Republican buddies in the free range madhouse we call the Arizona State Legislature. They have a plan and they won't let reality get in their way while they implement it.

No, because, like crazy people everywhere, they have their own reality, and by God, they aren't going to let facts mess with it.

It's like trickle down economics: 30 plus years of trying it, and what do we know? It doesn't work. It has never worked. It will never work. But let's keep doing it, OK?*

And so the state of Arizona is now officially embarking on an austerity program.

Because, uh, I don't know...stupid?

Naturally, this austerity program applies mostly to poor people, sick people, and students. Fuck 'em. Bring back the poorhouse, I say! Just make sure Charter schools and For Profit Prisons are funded. That's what makes a state "great" after all.

The fact that austerity doesn't work has been proved, and recently, too, in Greece and Ireland and several other European countries.

If that's too removed from "The Best Country There Ever Was Or Ever Could Be" (after all, what do foreigners know about anything?) then we need only look at Wisconsin and Kansas, where Genius Brownback and Genius Walker have tried it, to predictably disastrous results.

And do you know why that is?

It's really very simple.

AUSTERITY DOESN'T WORK.

But by all means, proceed Governor...

*To be fair, if you want to make rich people richer, poor people poorer, gut the middle class, destroy unions, outsource every possible job, then trickle down works like a charm!

Whatever...

So Bill-o O'Reilly-o is a, what's the word? Oh yeah, liar.

This is something that anybody with a functioning brain realized many years ago.

Of course that leaves out the vast Fox News' audience.

And so it won't make any difference to them.

Just like it doesn't make any difference to Fox News's owners.

That would be Rupert Murdoch and his Saudi partners.

Lying, as Jon Stewart pointed out, is their brand.

And they've made a pretty penny off of it. That's all that matters...

So, naturally, they are happy to let Bill-o bluster and brag and distort and threaten to his heart's content.

Oh yes, and by all means, continue to lie. About everything and everyone.

Because, repeat after me, "nobody ever went broke underestimating the intelligence of the American people."

On the contrary, there are vast fortunes to be made from it.

Climate Change Doesn't Care Whether Or Not You Believe In It

So the Koch brothers and their buddies can buy up all of the Republicans (and, to be fair, a few Democrats, too).

And they can find a small handful of scientists to pay off. There are always people willing to say whatever they've been paid to say--however absurd.

Naturally, Fox News will be happy to repeat all of the lies and misinformation ad infinitum.

In the end, it won't matter.

Eventually we will reach a tipping point so obvious and so severe that even the typical "well informed" Republican voter will have to acknowledge it--or not. Doesn't really matter.

Because lies and dissembling are human inventions, nature remains unimpressed and unmoved by them.

So buckle up, it's going to be a bumpy flight.

Hiring The Handicapped

Credit where credit is due, Rupert Murdoch is in the forefront of mainstreaming the mentally challenged.

O'Reilly, Hannity, that crazy ass psychologist, that mad, ranting, harridan who claims to be a judge, Doocy, Cavuto, Bolling, Kelly and the other interchangeable blondes, the entire Fox frothing at the mouth business crew, and all the rest.

Hats off Rupe, with their tentative grasp of reality, the only other job they could possibly get would be as Arizona state legislators--and there are only a few of those to go around.

But you, you Aussie visionary, saw potential where others saw only pathetic miscreants. So you wiped off the spittle, dressed them up, and made them famous and rich!

This gives hope to all of the equally mentally challenged, non reality based, Fox viewers...

Rupert Murdoch, humanitarian!

War Is Hell, or: Signor Movie's Oscar Nomination Roundup

I've had to tear myself away from writing my wartime memoirs.  I was working on the chapter about the time Bill-o O'Reilly and I were in Buenos Aires during the Falklands War and the hotel bar ran out of triple sec. I tell you, it was grim.

And, as with most things Bill-o related, it got ugly in a hurry.

Some memories are just too painful...

So let's pour ourselves a stiff one and talk about something more pleasant, shall we?

Here follows a very short list, by no means all inclusive, of the people who really got screwed by Oscar this time:

Tom Hardy, who gave beautiful performances in both Locke and The Drop.

Philip Seymour Hoffman who was excellent in A Most Wanted Man.

David Oyelowo who was equally brilliant as Martin Luther King Jr in Selma.

Ava DuVernay who directed Selma.

And, finally, would someone please explain to me what the Hell The Grand Budapest Hotel is doing on the Best Picture list, and what Wes Anderson is doing on the Best Director list? Sure, it was better than Moonrise Kingdom, but that's not a very high bar, now is it?

40 Years Of This?

40 years of Saturday Night Live.

And they couldn't cobble together three and a half hours of laughs...

No, not three and a half hours. Take out the commercials and the "songs" and we're looking at more like two hours.

Filling two hours from 40 years of shows?

Chevy Chase. Bill Murray. Steve Martin. Dan Ackroyd. Jane Curtin. Eddie Murphy. Tina Fey. Amy Poehler. Jerry Seinfeld. Chris Rock. Jim Carrey. Louis C.K. Alec Baldwin. Martin Short. Maya Rudolph. Will Ferrell. Bill Hader. Mike Myers. Dana Carvey. Kristin Wiig. Jimmy Fallon. Adam Sandler.

Plus all the "classic" bits featuring Belushi, Radner, Hartman, and Farley.

Should be a piece of cake!

Then again...

Of those two l-o-n-g hours the cringe worthy stuff far outnumbered the funny stuff.

Playing "hey look, it's -------!" with the audience cut-away shots was the highlight of the telecast.

Sad sad sad.

I'm left with two conclusions:

Lorne Michaels is the most over-rated person in the history of television comedy.

And his show is the reason God gave us the fast forward button.

Speaking Of Lowlife Scum

The Arizona Republic did a nice little piece about the Hensley Beverage Company the other day. You know, Hensley as in Senator John McCain's wife Cindy Hensley McCain? They distribute beer and other alcoholic beverages.

And somehow, and I'm sure it was just an oversight, not enough room, tight deadline etc. the piece  managed to not mention how Cindy's dad, Jim Hensley, was buddy pals with old Kemper Marley.

How their "friendship" perhaps resulted in Jimmy getting his Budweiser distributorship. As reward, some say, for taking the rap for Marley in an earlier legal dustup.

Or perhaps it was just part of Budweiser's short lived "Felon to Entrepreneur" rehabilitation program?

Of course, if they mentioned Kemper Marley, they might have to mention Don Bolles, who as you may or may not recall, was a reporter for the Republic, and who was looking into Marley's "business" dealings when he somehow managed to get himself blown to bits back in the mid-70's.

And, since The Arizona Republic exists mainly to deliver advertising, it's probably best to not rock the boat.  In fact, I think that's on their masthead.

So move along, nothing to see here...just old news...

Fun Games To Play Whilst Driving

Since gas is so very cheap, we will all soon be driving, driving, driving, to our hearts' content, even if we have, as Chuck Berry once said, "no particular place to go."

And since all that driving can be aggravating, boring, etc. we will need fun games to keep us engaged and not enraged.

Here are a few tried and true favorites of mine:

On the freeway, go ten miles over the speed limit and see how long it is before someone just has to pass you. Now go twenty miles over the speed limit.

Find a flashing red stop light and count the number of drivers who have no idea what to do.

Follow someone whose turn signal has been on for several miles and try to guess which street they will eventually turn at. Extra points if they end up turning in the opposite direction.

Keep a safe distance between you and the car in front of you and count the micro-seconds before someone decides there is more than enough room to squeeze in between you.

Count the old men in sports cars. Extra points if it's a convertible. Double extra points if they're smoking a cigar.

And, for Phoenix area drivers only, find a safe place to park and watch the reverse lanes on 7th Avenue or 7th Street during rush hours. Makes NASCAR look like a bunch of old ladies driving in circles.

Happy motoring. Have fun and try to keep the pistol in the glove box, OK?

Let Me Hear You Say "Oink!"

So Joni Ernst, the GOP's official hog castrator (better watch out Chris Christie, you too Jeb!), and self proclaimed fiscal conservative, comes from a family that received $460,000 in Federal subsidies...Hmmm.

I am, of course, shocked, shocked, to hear of this.

Not hard scrabble Joni and her plastic bag shoes? Say it ain't so!

This isn't welfare, of course. Nothing like that. We all know that welfare only benefits them. And we know who they are, don't we? Sure we do.

Naturally, the hypocrisy of this is only evident to non-Republicans.

Apparently, not unlike the old "whites only" drinking fountains of dear old Dixie, the Federal trough has an invisible sign above it that says "Republicans Only".

A Civics Test

I never would have guessed that the most pressing issue facing the great state of Arizona was insuring that our high school seniors couldn't graduate unless they passed a civics test.

But it must have been, because that's the first thing that ol Governor Doug "Cup or Waffle Cone?" Ducey and the big brains down at the state legislature did.

Now, to guarantee that this isn't just another of those Red State Bullshit Approach To Education* things, like, say, teaching that "creationism" is as valid as evolution, or that slavery wasn't such a bad thing after all, and that it won't make the great state of Arizona a national laughing stock--yet again--we should insist that the following passage be included in all instruction materials provided to Civics teachers statewide:

How A Bill Becomes A Law: first, the lobbyists representing some rich guy are informed by the rich guy's lawyers that a new way to fuck over people and loot the public treasury has been discovered! Then, after the lawyers and lobbyists have carefully crafted a bill that will allow the rich guy to fuck over people and loot the public treasury in this new way, this bill is presented to one of our trustworthy lawmakers, who has been carefully selected for his ability to say insanely absurd things with a straight face. The legislator then happily presents it to the legislature, while pretending to be its author. Then the rich guy's lobbyists wine and dine, et cetera,  and so on**, enough other legislators to pass the bill. Finally, the Governor, who has been anxiously waiting, carefully tucked in the rich guy's pocket with pen in hand, happily signs the bill into law!

*Red State Bullshit Approach To Education is a registered trademark of the Republican Party. Any unlawful use will be punished to the full extent of all applicable laws

**"Et cetera, and so on" are understood to include tickets to the Big Game or the Big Show, vacations, the ever popular "large donation to your next election campaign", and in some special cases, simple brown paper bags full of small bills with non-sequential serial numbers.

More Of The Same

So Governor Doug "Cup or Waffle Cone" Ducey, just the kind of level-headed, free market businessman we need to set Arizona straight, gave his first little speech to our esteemed legislature yesterday.

It went on and on and people actually applauded!

Because life is short, and empty Republican rhetoric is endless, I will distill Ducey's address for you into a few brief words: no new taxes, won't pay what public schools have legally coming to them, will help charter schools in anyway possible, it's morning in Arizona, and the state is open for business!

One of the most amazing things I've seen in my life is the way that Arizona Republicans can act like they just got here, and by God, they're gonna clean this mess up!

The truth is that the Republican Party has been running Arizona (into the ground) nonstop for more than 30 years.

All of the wreckage we see around us, the sorry state of public education, the unregulated "anyone can start a" charter school fun house, the low wage economy, the huge deficits, the tax cuts upon tax cuts that never do anything but make wealthy people wealthier and the state poorer, the for-profit-prison industry sucking up any available funds, all of this is because of--not in spite of--Republican policy.

But hey, I'm sure it will be different this time....