The Circus Comes To Town

My God, look at all the clowns!

John Bolton! Steve Bannon! Kellyanne Conway! Jeff Sessions! Michael Flynn! Ben Carson! Newt Gingrich! Rudy Guiliani! Tom Cotton! Mike Pence! Rick Perry! Steve King! Sarah Palin! Jan Brewer! Rex Tillerson and all those interchangeable, pasty billionaires! On and on, it never ends!

A freak show of mis-governance, a huge accident just waiting to happen, a national tragedy about to unfold!

Vladimir Putin proudly presents a Theocratic Kleptocracy for the Ages!

Look at the ringmaster marionette, with his orange skin and fright wig! Amazingly lifelike!

Smell that?

That's elephant shit.

Step right up folks and dive in!

Some Thoughts On The Trump Inauguration

Seems like it's been hard to get any entertainers to perform for Der Trump, all the little Trumplings, and various invited Swamp Creatures, huh?

SS Marching Band already booked elsewhere?

Too bad.

And Putin's no help at all. To be fair, he probably feels like he's done enough for DonDon already.

Got that one little girl with the nice voice. Jackie something

Kinda young.

But DonDon likes 'em young. Remember how he started slobbering all over Ivanka when she was a mere strappling?

Anyway, nobody else seems too anxious for the gig, and we're running out of time.

So the kid will sing, and uh, well, maybe we can get a few MiGs to fly over...

One thing:

#dontgrabjackiespussy.

OK, DonDon?

#dontgrabjackiespussy.

Wouldn't want the Reign of the Orange Blight to get off on the wrong foot.

A Pimp's Idea Of A Palace

We should all count our blessings that Melanoma and little Dipshit Trump Jr* aren't planning on moving into the White House.

The place has a certain simple elegance. It is the people's house, after all.

And after seeing the family photo album from Trump Tower Palace Versailles West, it's obvious that no one in that family understands simple, or elegant, or classy.

So, by all means please stay in Manhattan (where you are hated, by the way) and continue to purchase all the gold tchotchkes you can find. Tables, chairs, toilets, bidets, toothpicks, penis stretchers--whatever.

*For the record, I am not picking on the poor little troubled child. His Mom says he's just like his Dad. So, I'm not being pejorative. I'm being descriptive. Also, like all Trump children, he's being raised not by his father, but by his mother (and a village of surrogates, I'm guessing). Which means he'll probably grow up to be an undocumented lingerie model.

Prepare To Go Backwards

It is a strange thing to suddenly realize that the country you thought you lived in isn't there any more.

Perhaps it never was...maybe it was just a dream.

In any case, the dream is over.

The Trump boys have big plans for our country.

Sorry, their country.

There's money to be made! Make that MONEY!!!!

Oil to be drilled for, coal to be mined, pipelines to be laid. Federal land to be sold to the highest bidder. All of those National Parks need to be monetized! Otherwise, what use are they?

Away you pesky regulations! You only get in the way of progress; and all in the naive guise of protecting our air and water and health and common heritage.

Fuck that namby pamby shit!  There's money to be made! Make that MONEY!!!!

So fuck your health, fuck your feelings, fuck your future.

Fuck your so-called Constitutional rights!

The Constitution is only paper and ink. And ink fades and paper burns.

Gays and blacks and browns and uppity womenfolk and liberals and progressives and environmentalists and humanists and all the bleeding hearts in the fact based community will be taught a lesson now.

And they better not ever forget it:

Rich White Men Make The Rules.

Rule Number One: There's money to be made! Make that MONEY!!!!

Heil To The Tweeter In Chief

So, we're going from a cool, collected, intelligent, learned man to a 70 year old spoiled brat with the impulse control of a peeved teenage drama queen.

Anybody see any potential problems with that?

It's comforting to know that when that infamous 3:00 a.m. phone call finally comes in, Fearless Leader will be too busy tweeting to answer it, his tiny little fingers pecking away, oblivious to everything except satisfying his boundless ego.

Man, we are truly fucked.

Hey, We're All Going To Die Anyway, So Why Not?

So Der Trump and his Shit Fer Brains Crew don't believe in climate change?

I'm reminded of the old baseball pitcher, who, when told that his curve ball was an optical illusion, said "you go stand behind that tree 60 feet away and I'm going to beat you to death with an optical illusion."

Belief has nothing to do with it.

But the operating principle of the Republican Party about all things environmental has been for some time "we're all going to die anyway, so why not?"

Why not burn more oil and coal? And the dirtier the better! Fuck solar and wind.

Let's get rid of the EPA. Bunch of meddlesome nellies.

Why worry about the air and the water?

Why worry about the ice caps?

Why worry about those melting glaciers on Greenland that can raise the sea levels several feet all by themselves?

Let's party like it's the end of the world!!!!

Because, "hey, we're all going to die anyway, so why not?"

Q & A With The President Elect

What are you going to do about immigration?

Build a wall.

How are you going to pay for it?

Make Mexico.

How?

Make America Great Again.

What about all the undocumented workers?

Round 'em up and ship 'em back.

How?

Make America Great Again.

What about taxes?

Cut them.

How does that lower the deficit?

Make America Great Again.

What about wage stagnation and income inequality?

Make America Great Again.

What about the Middle East?

Destroy ISIS.

How?

Secret plan.

Oh?

Make America Great Again.

What about the infrastructure?

Rebuild it. We're a third world country now. Sad.

How are you going to pay for it?

Make America Great Again.

What about China?

Get tough with them.

How?

Make America Great Again.

What about Russia?

Putin is my kind of guy. Strong. Not weak. Strong.

What if he invades the Ukraine and the Baltic countries?

Make America Great Again.

Stupid Is As Stupid Does

The coal industry is a dying industry for a variety of reasons.

If you live in West Virginia or Kentucky or Pennsylvania and you were hoping to work the rest of your life in the coal mines and then retire with that nagging cough to Arizona or Florida, well...

The world changes.

If you thought that voting for Der Trump would stop it from changing, well...

Now, if you had voted with your brains instead of your hatred (and your dicks), you might have elected someone who would push for a massive retraining program and new, good paying jobs in a green energy economy. And made sure you had an adequate safety net, including healthcare, regardless of employment.

But you didn't, so...lotsa luck!

Of course, you still could all become successful entrepreneurs....

HA HA HA HA HA!

The Jobs President

Let's say Der Trump makes good on his campaign promise to deport millions of "illegal aliens" immediately.

Who is going to do all the things they do for us?

Those angry Rust Belt folks?

Uh huh. Sure they are. For minimum wage--or less?

Pick fruit and vegetables and clean house and bus tables and do all sorts of hard manual labor?

I'd like to see a bunch of paunchy, pasty, Midwesterners picking lettuce, or digging ditches, or pruning trees, or...

In fact, it would make a great reality TV show.

No benefits. No healthcare. No leverage through a union.

Nothing. Nada. Zip. Zilch.

Just doing their part to Make America Great Again!

Oh, and by the way, that Carrier deal that Der Trump is so proud of is essentially a bribe with tax payer money. Gee, what a great negotiator he is!

Meet Trump's Cabinet

Chief of Staff: Steve "Even Sewer Scum Thinks I'm Awful" Bannon.

Secretary of State: Sarah "I can see Russia from my house" Palin. Of course, that's only if Putin is too busy to do the job.

Attorney General: Jeff "If'n You Want To Start A Race War, I'm Yer Peckerwood" Sessions. I guess we're not going to "throw her in jail" now, are we? There's still a very long enemies list to get through.

National Security Advisor: General Michael "Kill Anyone Who Doesn't Love Jesus" Flynn.

Secretary of Defense: John "Bomb Bomb Bomb, Bomb Iran" McCain. I know they've had their differences, but surely they can agree on nuking some folks, can't they? The Chickenhawk and the Professional POW. Sounds like a great buddy movie.

Department of Homeland Security: Milwaukee County Sheriff David "Constitution? We Don't Need No Stinkin' Constitution" Clarke. See, he's black so that means they're not racists, right? Yes, he is black, but the old, ugly phrase "house ni**er" comes to mind.

Secretary of the Interior: Is James Watt dead? If so, then whomever the Koch brothers want will do. We've got a lot of federal lands to despoil. Those National Parks aren't going to privatize themselves!

Secretaries of Education, Energy, Housing and Urban Development, Health and Human Services: you're kidding, right?

And of course, since Trump will need all the help he can get, there will have to be some new positions:

Minister of Misinformation: Roger Ailes.

Minister of Culture: Ted Nugent.

Minister of Bile: Rudy "Frothing at the Mouth" Guiliani. Naturally, he has to be cleared for rabies first.

Minister of Truly Bad Ideas:  John "Anyone Who Listens To Me Is A Fool" Bolton. Regime change? In Iran?  Beautiful. It's good to see Bolton hasn't lost a step.

Minister(s) of Internal Compliance: All those armed Trump supporters can take turns keeping the rest of us, the majority by the way, in line.

Gonna be a fun 4 years.

Poor Little Mike Pence

So this homophobic, theocratic, bigot goes to a Broadway show and gets booed...

Never been prouder to be a theatre lover in my life.

Fuck Mike Pence.

The theatre is a place of inclusion. Not exclusion. Always has been. Always will be.

Except for complete assholes. No room for them. Maybe try NASCAR next time...

Fuck Mike Pence.

And fuck his new boss, too.

Coup d'Etat

If, in some unnamed foreign country, they had an election wherein the secret police meddled in favor of one side, and another country meddled in favor of one side, and local legislatures passed laws that favored one side, and the voting machines could be hacked and left no paper trail, favoring, you guessed it, one side, you might call it a coup d'etat...

Here, in the best country there ever was or will be, the shining light, the last best hope of mankind, we just call it a Presidential election.

Nothing to see here...move along.

Thank God! Big Mouth White Male Bigots And Bullies Finally Have A Voice Again!

It was rough there for awhile.

They had to tamp down their natural tendencies and try to at least pretend to treat other people with dignity and courtesy. And maybe even a little respect...

But fuck that PC bullshit!

They're back, baby!

And all you faggot cucks will have to deal with it!

This is America, you pussies!

Their boy is in the White House now!

And all you libtards who tried to ruin this country by treating "those" people as equals better watch out!

Break out the Confederate flags, the cheap beer, and the hillbilly heroin! Crank up the meth labs! Iron up the best sheets, Ma! We going' to the "nauguration!"

PARRRRR TEEEE!!!!!

Least Surprising Headline Of The Century

There it is, in USA Today's issue of November 11th, 2016:

"Rise in racist acts follows election"

Gosh, I wonder why?

If I were black or brown or any other off-white shade, or LGBTQ, or a member of a non Christian religion, I think I would be exercising my Constitutional rights and buying every gun I could afford. And plenty of ammo, too. It may not have occurred to people on the right, but that "Second Amendment remedies" gate swings both ways.

In case you forgot, November 11th is Veteran's Day. Looks like all those men and women of different colors and religions fought and died so that some racist scum assholes could celebrate Der Trump's "victory" by bullying and intimidating people of different colors and religions.

Proud to be an American?

No, not these days.

The Real Confederacy Of Dunces

Ya gotta love those "low information" voters.

I knew there were many millions of idiots in this great country of ours. Look at 2004, for instance.

Obviously, I underestimated.

The phrase "cut off your nose to spite your face" comes to mind.

I guarantee you that the vast majority of those angry white Trumpistas rely on the Federal government for many things.

And should the markets crash, as they very well might, they will need the government even more.

And they have elected a Congress with a majority that believes that government shouldn't do very much for people. The bare minimum in fact.

And a President who doesn't know anything about governing. And has no interest in learning. An egotistical, know nothing with the impulse control of a spoiled child, the ethics of a sewer rat, and the moral compass of syphilitic libertine.

Oh, and by the way, he's a stooge for Putin.

It's true. Sometimes you really have to hit rock bottom.

And we have.

So now we have to rely on a handful of "moderate" Republicans to put their country before their party. And what are the odds of that?

Forget the better angels of our nature. It's every man for himself, and the Devil take the hindmost.

Buckle your seat belts. It's going to be a bumpy, long, dark, ride.

Election Day Advice

Hey!

Miracles do happen!

The Cubs win a World Series!

And election day is finally here!

If you're voting for Hillary Clinton, I hope you have a pleasant, uneventful day. No long lines at the polling places. No armed fuckhead Trump supporters to hassle you as you cast your vote.

And if you're voting for Trump, just stay home. At this point, it is literally the most patriotic thing you could do.

But, if you insist on voting, please ask yourself one question: do you know any really intelligent people who are voting for Trump?

Me neither.

Hillary Clinton Will Win Easily...Unless

Here's the deal:

Republicans have elevated stealing elections to an art form.

They gerrymander every conceivable district to either dilute or concentrate Democratic voters.

The result is that more people vote for Democrats and yet more Republicans are elected. This gerrymandering may not matter as much in the vote for President, but it sure helps keep the Congress full of mouth breathing simpletons.

And it means Republicans control many state legislatures, where...

They remove people, usually Democratic voters, from the voting rolls, at whim.

They stop early voting and curtail the voter registration period.

They under staff polling places in minority areas.

They send armed white thugs to "enforce the sanctity of the vote."

Also, in addition to their Russian hacker buddies, the GOP apparently has a whole cadre of Trump lovin' FBI agents doing every thing they can to tilt the election towards their boy.

Last, but not least, there are all those paperless voting machines that can be hacked and that leave no paper trail. Ask John Kerry about Ohio in 2004.

Republicans love democracy...but only on their terms.

A Handy Field Guide To The Various Kinds Of Trump Voters

First you've got the Angry White males in general. They're mad about most everything and they think Trump will restore the Greatness of America that they believe has been lost. They don't like political correctness, they don't like "uppity" minorities or women, they don't like immigrants, they don't like gays, they desperately want to go back to a mythical past where the "other" understood its subordinate place in the grand scheme of things. (This category includes the docile females that cower before their angry male masters.)

You've got the aggrieved working class whites, who have suffered and who do need help, but who somehow missed the part of the Trump economic plan where you outsource work to China and bring in Polish scabs to save a buck. But he's not a woman and he's white, so they're all in. These are people who already are benefiting from government programs or will need to very soon, but still have a deep hatred for Big Government because it only helps "the other".

There's the "he's going to cut our taxes" crowd. That's the only thing that matters to them. Ever. I call it the "I've got mine-fuck you!" crowd. (Many of these people are Libertarians. I would point out that no advanced civilization has ever been based on libertarian principles. Ever. I would also point out that their patron saint Ayn Rand was a mediocre novelist and a dime store philosopher. But, yeah, she probably would have cut their taxes, so it's all good.)

Oh, and let's not forget the Christian hypocrites. Here you've got a thrice married sexual predator, with a condescending, indeed mocking, attitude toward women and minorities. He has refused to pay people who did work for him and his companies have gone bankrupt multiple times, cheating hundreds if not thousands, of small, family run businesses in the process. But, Donald J. Trump will let you keep as many guns as you want (just like Jesus would) and, well, he's white and not a woman, so praise the Lord!

Then you've got the Alt-Right white supremacists. Cuz he's gonna deal with the dark skin people, wherever they're from. Even, maybe especially, native born American citizens. The 13th, 14th, and 15th Amendments were a mistake, y'all.

Throw in a tiny handful of Latinos and blacks who obviously aren't getting enough oxygen to their brains.

And finally, you've got the sort of people who just like to watch stuff burn. And what bigger fire could you have than a Donald J. Trump presidency?

Baby, it's a Big Tent!

Damaging The Brand

At some point, one imagines that Donald J. Trump will wake up from the sordid political ego trip that he's on and realize that he has done irreparable harm to his brand.

And his brand is really all he has.

He's not a great builder or developer.

He's not a leader or a statesman.

He's certainly not a great thinker.

What he is is a brand.

He will slap "TRUMP" on anything.

And some people will buy it, because in their delusional state they think it symbolizes "class".

But his every action in the dumpster fire that he calls a campaign has served to alienate a lot of people with money.

And while many people with money may deep down agree with all the garbage that Donald spews, they don't want to be seen by their peers as agreeing with it.

They will drop him so fast it will make his "hair" spin.

Then all that's left will be the hard core Trump supporters.

And the KKK, white supremacists, low info voters that worship his every bilious word, can't afford the TRUMP brand. Oh, maybe a Made In China necktie, but honestly, how often do those folks dress up?

When he finally realizes this, that he's injured his brand--and his beloved daughter's brand--perhaps fatally, Donald J. Trump will look for someone or something to blame.

It definitely won't be his fault. It never is.

What Has Senator John McCain Ever Done For The State Of Arizona?

(nothing)

(nada. zip. zilch.)

So, of course, he will be re-elected.

That's the way we roll out here...

The Donald J. Trump Guide To Dating

1) Apply excessive amount of cologne and gobble a handful of tic-tacs.

2) Lock the doors.

3) Check your hair.

4) Show her your wallet.

5) Force her into a corner.

6) Get geopolitical. You know, Russian hands and Roman fingers. Amirite?

7) Show her your wallet again.

8) Check your hair.

9) Unlock the doors.

10) Make her leave.

11) Re-apply cologne.

12) Check your hair.

13) Deny everything.

14) Buy something nice for whatever number wife you're on.

15) Repeat as necessary.

Dante's Inferno Revisited

They're adding another circle to hell just for Trump and his supporters.

It's going to be the best!

Very yooge and beautiful and very, very classy!

The Guiliani Lounge is spectacular.

And the Chris Christie Vomitorium is, well, exactly what you'd expect.

Plenty of room for expansion, too.

If you have to spend eternity burning for you sins, this is the place to do it!

The Little Voice Inside Donald Trump's Head

I do not want this job.

It's a hard and thankless job. And I do not do hard and thankless.

I do not want this job.

You have to know stuff to do this job well. A lot of stuff. And I do not have the time or the inclination or the capacity to learn a lot of stuff. I'm a very busy man, after all.

God, I do not want this job! 

Can't these idiots see that?

Isn't it painfully obvious?

What the fuck do I have to do?

Piss on the flag?

I've tried everything else I can think of.  Insulted and alienated everyone I possibly can.

Told so many lies, that even I can't keep track of them.

And still these ignorant bastards roar their support. Fuck.

Honestly, how incredibly stupid are these people?

Low information isn't the half of it. Brain dead is more like it.

How 'bout I molest a Cub Scout? With a copy of the Constitution. Beneath a picture of Jesus. While Pat Boone sings the Star Spangled Banner.

Would that do it?

Sweet Mother of Christ,

I. Do. Not. Want. This. Job.

Business Is Business

Cuba? Hey, great if we can work it out! Plenty of beachfront and cheap labor!

Russia? Sure. They may be Red but their money is green! Besides, that Putin is mas macho!

With the Mob? You bet. Gotta keep up family traditions!

The important thing is to get paid, yo!

Dip into my own charity? Well, it is my charity! Got my name all over it! And a buck's a buck!

Why outsource to China? Cuz they'll work for less. A lot less. And that means more for me!

Import Polish construction workers? Hell yes! They're non-union, after all. And that means more for me!

It's nothing personal...

It's just business.

Worst Job In The World

Kellyanne Conway has to try and "manage" an egomaniacal, sociopathic, misogynistic, scatter brained, bigot who thinks he's always the smartest guy in the room.

No one can do that. 

To top it off, he is sure to blame everyone around him for his failings.

He will lash out, because nothing is ever his fault.

So it's her job to make the biggest asshole in the room seem like a normal, wise, thoughtful, "Presidential" man.

Tough gig.

On the other hand, she asked for it. Lying is a major part of the job description.

Now, why any self-respecting woman would work for Trump, unless she absolutely had to, is a question for another day.

PS If Kellyanne is smart, she'll ask to be paid in cash, daily.

How They're Preparing For The Debates

Hillary Clinton begins her days going over briefing papers covering the economy, terrorism, foreign policy, and a whole range of domestic issues.

After a short break for lunch, it's off to the nearest psych ward to practice chatting with a babbling psychotic.

Then it's time for a wide ranging policy discussion with a bevy of experts.

And finally, Clinton spends an hour each day at the zoo's monkey cage, dodging their flung feces. You know, just in case.

Meanwhile, in between daydreaming about schtupping Ivanka, and stuffing himself with fast food, Trump reads Mein Kampf for inspiration before he and his key adviser Roger "Come To Daddy" Ailes discuss their favorite insults about women, blacks, Mexicans, Muslims, Jews, and poor people in general.

Should be an interesting night.

Compare And Contrast

Many years ago, back when the world was young, we had a President named John Kennedy. "Jack" to his friends.

And one time, while he was President, he and his wife went to Paris on an official trip.

The French fell in love with the First Lady. It helped that she spoke their language fluently. But even without that, she would've charmed them.

And, instead of having his ego bruised, and blustering about his many accomplishments, John Kennedy introduced himself thus "I am the man who accompanied Jacqueline Kennedy to Paris."

Can anyone, even his most ardent supporters, imagine Donald J. Trump doing the same thing?

No. Because for a crass ego maniacal boor that sort of self deprecating action would be like a little death. It's never not about Donald J. Trump. It can't be. Everything else comes second.

Everything.

Now, admittedly, John F. Kennedy had more class in his toenail clippings than Donald J. Trump has in his entire bloated body.

But still...

Money can buy you many things. Gilded gold chairs. Shiny brass signs with your name on them.

Maybe even the Presidency.

It cannot buy you intelligence, taste, or class.

Straight From The Horse's Ass

Things we know about Donald J. Trump, either because he or one of his mouthpieces told us:

He is the healthiest person ever to run for the Presidency. Forget the puffy face and the rolls of fat. Forget the orange complexion and the "hair". Forget the ill fitting, overly large suits and the body mass index reminiscent of the Pillsbury Doughboy. Forget the fondness for fast food. Donald J. Trump is the healthiest person ever to run for the Presidency and he has a note from his gastroenterologist to prove it. Why does someone that healthy need a gastroenterologist? Fuck you.

Let's take it one step further. Donald J. Trump is the healthiest human being ever. Jack LaLanne was a pussy compared to The Donald. Tri athletes are limp wristed wankers compared to Donald J. Trump. He will outlive us all. That old joke about cockroaches and Keith Richards being the only things to survive a nuclear holocaust? Well, add Donald J. Trump to that distinguished list. In fact, put him at the top of it! (If you want to add a joke here about a Trump presidency probably causing the nuclear holocaust, feel free.)

He has a great brain. This hasn't been confirmed by any outside source. And it certainly hasn't been confirmed by any of his actions or statements. So I guess we'll just have to take his word for it. But hey, this is America and we don't really trust bright people anyway, so...Donald J. Trump has a great brain. In fact, it is a yooge, great brain. The best.

Donald J. Trump is very classy.  Look at the gilded gold chairs he sits in when he deigns to talk to the masses! What says class more than gilded gold chairs? Nothing, you classless bastards. It's wasted on you.

He will build a yooge, great, wonderful wall along our southern border to keep the rampaging bands of Mexicans out of our once great but now sad country. He will make the raping, drug dealing Mexicans pay for it! If they refuse to pay, then Donald J. Trump as Commander in Chief of our armed forces will force them to pay. Same thing with those scofflaw NATO countries that aren't pulling their weight. And Japan, too! Donald J. Trump has asked the highly intelligent question "why can't we use our nuclear weapons?" As President, unlike that weakling Obama or Crooked Hillary, Donald J. Trump will answer that question with a resounding "BOOM!"

Donald J. Trump will make America Great Again. Now, don't get carried away--we won't all have gilded gold chairs. Donald J. Trump had to work very hard with his yooge great brain to get those chairs.

First he had to inherit millions of dollars from his racist father. Then he had to consort with his racist father's Mafia buddies to do some of those "deals" of which he is so proud. Then he had to bring in non-union Polish immigrant construction workers to build his fabulous tower. Then he had to go bankrupt a few times to keep his hard earned money out of the hands of those greedy subcontractors who obviously did substandard work on the wonderful, classy, yooge Donald J. Trump projects that they-and they alone--fucked up. None of this was Donald J. Trump's fault. Then he had to buddy up with some Russian, uh, businessmen. You know, the ones with maybe a few prison tattoos. Then he had to outsource his classy clothing line to China because, well, it's a hell of a lot cheaper and that means more money for Donald J. Trump. He did all of this. What did you do? Well, whatever it was, it pales in comparison.

How will that kind of behavior make America Great Again? Don't get bogged down in the details. Donald J. Trump will make America Great Again simply by being Donald J. Trump.

Note To Republicans: Your Presidential Candidate Is A Dangerous Idiot

Not that it matters to you.

No, you're all in for Der Trump!

He's your boy!

A narcissistic, sociopathic, fool.

But at least he ain't black! Am I right? Not like that weak Kenyan Muslim socialist in the White House.

Or a female, either!

Not like that "crooked" Hillary.

After all, she pals around with mobsters, cheats employees, idolizes tyrants, lies constantly about her achievements, changes her positions constantly, insults women and minorities day and night, and honestly doesn't know a single damn thing about government!

Oh, wait, that's Trump.

Uhhhhhh...

Doesn't matter. You're still going to vote for him, aren't you?

Of course you are. So he can make America Great Again.

And besides, it'll be nice to have a President who isn't smarter than you again. It's been a long 8 years, hasn't it?

Signor Baseball's Well Past Midseason, Hell, Let's Call It The Stretch Run, MLB Update

"And down the stretch they come!"

See what I've done there? Used the horse race metaphor!

Even though I'm pretty sure that none of the baseball teams trying to make the playoffs have tiny little men sitting on their backs whipping them.

Then again, who knows?

The thing about the one game MLB Wild Card playoff is that you usually have two flawed teams going at it. And while that may be fun for the fans in those cities, it doesn't often make much difference for the remainder of the playoffs. The winner will probably use their best pitcher, which kinda screws them for the next round. Not always--but often enough.

Anyway, as I write this, there are 7 teams still in contention for the two AL Wildcards and 5 for the NL.

In the AL, the Orioles, Red Sox, Yankees, Mariners, Tigers, Astros and Royals are all within 7 games of each other. And Toronto is only a game up in the East, so they should probably be considered, too.

Throw out the Yankees, because they just aren't as good as the Orioles, Red Sox, or Blue Jays. They have just one dependable starter, and Gary Sanchez is probably not the second coming of Babe Ruth.  The Mariners aren't any better. That leaves Detroit, Kansas City and Houston trying to catch Boston, Baltimore, and Toronto.

If you go by pitching, KC and Houston have the edge over both the Orioles and Red Sox.  Add in the East teams all playing each other the last month and it gets much harder for Boston and Baltimore. They do score a lot of runs, but will that be enough to overcome their pitching shortcomings? The defending champion Royals have muddled along all season and still find themselves in the race. One strong month could put them back in the post season. In fact, that could apply to any of these teams. A good winning streak and they're in. But which teams are capable of that? It looks like a last day of the season scenario, once again.

So you make the Wild Card. So you win the Wild Card. To move on, you need at least two top flight starters, a consistent bull pen, and some clutch bats. This is shocking to say, but other than Cleveland, who has that? It's a muddle, I tells ya. A muddle.

The NL is only slightly clearer. San Francisco has had such an awful couple of months that it's time for them to play well again. They'll either catch LA for the West or take one of the Wild Cards. That leaves the Cardinals, Mets, Pirates and Marlins battling for the second Wild Card.

The Cardinals are the strongest all around. The Mets have the best starters--when healthy. The Pirates have a very good every day lineup and no dependable starters. Not a one. And I have no idea how the Marlins have stayed this close. Maybe Barry Bonds' Magic Beans. So, sorry Pittsburgh. Sorry Miami.

If New York can somehow recapture last season's magic, and figure out a way to score a few runs, they can catch St. Louis. After that, who knows? The Cubs look unbeatable at times, but they fell apart in last year's playoffs, so...San Francisco and Washington have the 2 Aces needed to go deep, and the Giants have a history of playoff success. The Dodgers have the "best pitcher in baseball", but the "best pitcher in baseball" has proven to be very human in the post season. He's also coming off an injury. And the rest of their staff is hit or miss.

To use an old William Goldman quote in another context, "nobody knows anything."

All in all, it makes for a very interesting few weeks of baseball.

Hold On A Minute

We did not become the richest and most powerful nation on earth by being regressive, reactionary, know nothings.

We did it (gasp) by being progressive.

By embracing The New. By embracing Change. By embracing Progress.

Not at first, of course. And certainly not all at once.

But eventually, having exhausted all other possibilities, we usually do the right thing.

Despite all of our flaws, and yes there are a few, Americans are generally an optimistic, progressive people.

Oh, not all of us.

Some of us remain dumb as a post.

And that's the problem: we've been cutting way too much slack for our stupider citizens.

The supposedly "liberal" media sat back and let the Limbaughs, Drudges, Breitbarts, and Fox News' folks of the world get away with lying for too long.

Yes, everybody is entitled to their own opinions. But not to their own imaginary "facts".

And sometimes stupid people need their stupidity pointed out to them, loudly and repeatedly.

Because if you don't, they start to believe all the crap they hear from their "fair and balanced" sources.

And stupid just gets stupider...

The Party Of (George) Lincoln (Rockwell)

He was a Nazi, by the way, so you can see what I'm getting at.

Not too subtle, I know.

But since we're dealing with Republicans, at this point subtlety isn't really warranted.

No. No, the Party of (George) Lincoln (Rockwell) doesn't deserve shades of gray. Or the benefit of the doubt...not with the slobbering hordes of Der Trump followers happy to embrace white supremacists, the KKK, and every racist kook of voting age.

What those poor, delusional, Reagan worshiping, dog whistle blowing, trickle down believing, homophobic, misogynistic, reality averse, science denying, racist, xenophobic assholes deserve is a good solid kick in the balls.

They are who they are. No need to pretend otherwise.

In the long run, it'll be much better for their souls (hahaha) to embrace it. Revel in it.

Remember, the truth shall set you free.

A Letter From A Sad Little Man

So Sheriff Joe Arpaio sends me a letter.

Now, if we're lucky, very soon, due to his own unique approach to law enforcement, Sheriff Joe Arpaio may be enjoying the inside of one of his jails.

But, until then, by God, he's going to fund raise for the next election.

And to fund raise, you've got to scare the more simple minded among us.

Scare them with talk of scary enemies!

According to Joe's letter, his enemies (and of course to his way of thinking the enemies of all) are legion:

Ultra liberals, celebrity lefties like Al Sharpton, George Lopez and Linda Ronstadt (!), law enforcement bashing demagogues, criminal illegal immigrants, and first and foremost, President Obama.

(No word yet on what Sheriff Joe's crack investigators have found out about Obama's birth certificate...stay tuned...these things take time...)

Yes, Joe tells us that "President Obama truly wants these illegal aliens loose in our communities--even hoping to grant them amnesty--so they can become hardened Democrat voters who will rubber-stamp his radical left wing agenda."

But thanks to the support of "patriots like you", Sheriff Joe is fighting the good fight.

And blah blah blah...

So keep sending Joe money, ok? He's the only thing keeping "them" from you!

This scam has worked for many years. America's toughest sheriff keeps getting re-elected by a large monolithic, block of frightened, stupid, old white folks. I'm talking to you, Sun City.

Who knows, he may win this time, too.

However, he may spend at least part of his next term in jail--not that that would deter his many followers.

The Scum Also Rises

The Trump campaign, if you can call a smoldering pile of horse shit a campaign, has now done what once was thought nearly impossible:

Take a good look at--and this hasn't happened since John Connally joined the Nixon White House-- rats swimming towards a sinking ship.

Breitbart refugee Steve Bannon and Roger Ailes? That's the best Il Trumpo could do?

Poor thing. I guess Scott Baio and Gary Busey were busy.

But what about Sarah Palin? Surely she could use the paycheck? Of course, Trump is famous for not paying people who have worked for him, so...

He surrounds himself with the scum of the earth and voters are supposed to trust his judgment?

My God, after all this time, this cretin still has people believing his every word!

Brace yourself. The next few weeks will be indescribably grotesque, as Der Trump, realizing that he will lose and lose big, goes into "no lie too awful" mode. Not for the faint of heart.

Shameless

Remember how, when you'd see old footage of the God fearin' peckerwoods down in Dixie beating the hell out of black people just trying to go to school, or vote, or sit at a lunch counter, you'd think to yourself, "Man, what's wrong with those people? Can't they see how backwards/foolish/hateful/inhuman they look?"

You'd watch them screaming insults, spit flying, animal rage in their eyes, and deep down you'd be a little ashamed to be white.

Then maybe you'd think, "Well, that was a long time ago. Things have changed since then."

Uh huh.

Have you seen a Trump rally?

Same crazy look in the eyes. Same animal rage at "them", or "her".

Some folks ought to be ashamed.

But then, some folks are completely shameless.

This Will Be Fun...Of A Sort

Fairly soon, we will find out if there are enough truly crazy people in this country to elect Donald J. Trump president.

And since there is never a shortage of truly crazy people in our lovely country, there's no way of knowing until the night of the election.

Of course, the Republicans are expert at stealing elections, but do they really want Trump?

Hmmm.

Until then, we will be entertained by more bat shit crazy pronouncements from the P.T. Barnum of American politics.

Of course, none of his bat shit blurting will bother the Aggrieved Faithful. If they haven't been turned off by now...

I mean, this is a guy whose businesses have gone bankrupt multiple times, who has outsourced to China, who has used foreign laborers, who has done deals with the Mob. And whose tax returns are so, oh let's call them "interesting", that he's afraid to let them see the light of day.

He denigrates women, Muslims, blacks, Latinos, the handicapped....the list is endless.

He's had multiple wives, countless affairs, and he apparently practices a rather unique form of piecemeal Christianity, that would normally be repellant to the family values crowd.

But he's white...and he's gonna come down hard on the black and brown skin people who leech off the rest of us. And he's gonna scare the rest of the world into...something...

And, most importantly, He's Going To Make America Great Again!!!

He promised!

The Grand Old Dumpster Fire

Wow.

I mean, really,WOW!

If you live long enough, you will see everything.

Like a cornered rat, and my apologies to rats everywhere, Der Trump snarls and bites at everything.

His tiny fangs glittering against his Cheeto orange skin. His even tinier hands grasping at whatever rhetorical dead end his poisonous brain can summon.

Meanwhile, Republican candidates everywhere try to figure out how to condemn what he says without actually condemning him, in order not to offend his supporters.

Cuz you wouldn't want to lose the stupid white racist demographic.

Certainly not after courting them since, oh, 1968 or so.

Let's see, there was the Southern Strategy, and "welfare queens in their Cadillacs", and Willie Horton, and the birthers, and right on up to Der Trump and the noxious garbage that he spews out on an hourly basis.

Pass the marshmallows, and just sit back and watch it burn...

Notes From Vlad Putin's Diary

Regarding this Trump fellow: is he insane? Have someone find out.

Tell cook more beets next time.

Trump calls me. Again. Says we can do "bizness" together. Says it will be "yooge". What is this "yooge"?

Again with this Trump. Oy yoi yoi. Have someone from security look into getting me an unlisted number.

Can we please do something about the heat? I'm freezing in here.

The smell of cabbage cooking reminds me of mama.

Trump says we should be friends. Why I need friend like that?

I smell CIA.

Lada is good car. Do not listen to capitalist propaganda.

Trump says if I help him, then he will help me. Do what I wonder?

Now, really I smell CIA.

Reclassify all steroids as "vitamins". Simple. Problem solved.

"Useful idiot" is term I like. This Trump maybe can be a useful idiot for me. Okey dokey. So, I will, how Americanski say, make him my bitch. Da.

Now, somebody please do something about the heat. I begin to losing my patience. Don't make me go all Stalin on someone.

Regarding Roger Ailes

Looks like that fat oily bastard Roger Ailes will have to start paying for his, uh, "female companionship" and not just grope them by the water cooler, or trap them behind his no doubt enormous desk.

Fortunately, that other oily bastard, Rupert The Pirate, gave Roger a large sum of money to "please just go away!"

Because, you know, propriety.

And standards.

The newlywed (stifle gag reflex here) Rupert Murdoch doesn't need this kind of problem in his dotage.

Whatever the amount settled on Ailes, it's a small price to pay for all the damage he and his toadies at that festering pit of lies, distortion, dog whistles, fools, dweebs and crackpots, that dares to call itself a "news" organization, have done to the public discourse over the last two decades.

But they did manage to hoodwink the rubes and make a ton of money in the process, so it's all good!

Bedlam By The Lake

Bedlam was the first insane asylum, back in medieval England. Which wasn't quite as Merry as the brochures make it out to be...

There were no psychiatrists, no psycho-tropic drugs, no concept of compassionate care for the inflicted, not even a padded cell. Of course, everybody was scared shitless of a vengeful God and the seemingly arbitrary punishments of the Church and State, but even with all that "law and order" hanging over them there were still lunatics and the criminally insane roaming about.

They didn't really know what to do with "them", so they just locked 'em up. Theoretically safer for "them", definitely safer for society as a whole. God alone knows what went on in the bowels of Bedlam.

But, you know what they say, "out of sight, out of mind."

So, what I'm thinking is, we get some big padlocks and lock all the doors of Cleveland's Quicken Loans Arena while they are all inside.

We can worry about compassionate care and possible treatment later.

What's going on in the deep recesses of the Republican convention is as appalling as anything that went on in Bedlam. In fact, the incestuous reactionary racist circle jerk that surrounds Der Trump would probably make your garden variety medieval lunatic retch.

PS Ya ever notice Melania's eyes? They're dead. Like a doll's eyes. Or a shark's.

Oh, by the way, I plagiarized that...sort of...

PPS Scott Baio and Antonio Sabato Jr.? Oooooh, they pullin' out the big heaters now! Where the hell is Ted Nugent?!

Inside The Heads Of The Republican Base

Well, first there's this whistling sound, like wind through a hollow space. Then you hear what could be a broken screen door, slapping against its frame...

And then the jumbled grumbling begins:

"Kenyan Muslim Socialist...anti-American...secret jihadist...Whitewater...liars...rapist...Vince Foster...Antonin Scalia...anti-white...liars...murderers...liars...murderers...liars...murderers!"

This repeats itself over and over and over, as if it were on a loop programmed by Fox News.

Let us pause for a second and ask a few simple and indeed logical questions.

If the Clintons had the power to kill Vince Foster with impunity, don't you think that they would have killed Kenneth Starr, too? How about Linda Tripp? Richard Scaife? Monica Lewinsky? Indeed, anyone who got in their way. You know, like MacBeth.

And if President Obama had Scalia murdered, why did he wait so long? Shouldn't he have had that at the top of his hit list? Like item 1 day 1? What about Clarence Thomas? Couldn't it have been a  package deal? A twofer, if you will. That's how I would have done it. Boom boom.

And yet these logical things did not happen.

So...

I don't see how you can have it both ways. Either they are evil incarnate, unconscionable, amoral murderers who will stop at nothing to achieve their ends.

Or they aren't.

In which case, the people who believe these things are full of shit.

But, of course, we are speaking of facts and logic and some folks are simply immune to logic and facts.

The moral of the story is that we should never, ever, ever underestimate the number of truly stupid people in this great land of ours.

And that's why the idea of President Trump isn't as ridiculously far-fetched as it should be...

The United States Of Insanity

Repeat after me:

Guns don't kill people. People kill people.

The more guns we have the safer we are.

Only a good guy with a gun can stop a bad guy with a gun.

Assault rifles are necessary for personal protection.

Everyone should be able to purchase all the guns and ammo they can afford.

Freedom isn't free.

The Second Amendment is the most important amendment.

You must be doing something suspicious for the police to pull you over.

There's something inherently suspicious about black people.

Better to shoot first and ask questions later.

Accidents happen.

All Lives Matter...but obviously some matter more than others.

Daddy Issues

Donald Trump has a thing, a bro-mance if you will, for Vladimir Putin and Saddam Hussein. You know, tough guys, strong guys. No nonsense guys.

"I make the the rules," kind of guys.

He also, according to his ex-wife, kept a volume of Hitler's speeches by his bedside.

For inspiration, I'd guess.

Hmmm.

Somewhere, Sigmund Freud is nodding and smiling.

It's obvious that the majority of Republicans need a strong Daddy figure to look up to. To keep them in line.

To discipline them. To punish them. To spank them, if necessary.

A bully to protect them from the other bullies.

The country as a whole doesn't need or want this.

But certain Republicans sure do.

A Pair To Draw To

This is a true story...

On the television, I heard a Republican consultant describe Newt Gingrich as "very smart", or words to that effect. Continuing, he then called Chris Christie "charismatic".

I quickly turned the channel, and went looking for the whiskey.

Where to begin...

Newt Gingrich is so smart, his own party tossed him out of his leadership role 20 some years ago.
And this is a party with, shall we say, a desperate need for any "smartness" they can stumble upon, so...well, you know.

And Chris Christie is as "charismatic" as a well-shaped turd.

But the two of them are apparently at the very top of Der Trump's short list of potential Vice Presidents. Which must mean he thinks they are highly qualified.

If there weren't already enough reasons to say repeated prayers that the Orange Asshole never gets anywhere near the White House, that would suffice.

Since La Donna knows nothing, repeat NOTHING, about government, one of those geniuses would be running things...

We already tried that with W.

It didn't work out so well.

Start praying.

Ten Other Names For The Brexit

Pasty Tea Bags Shoot Themselves In The Foot!

We Did What?

God Save The Pound!

Europe Controlled By Germany? What Could Possibly Go Wrong?

Are We Having A Laugh?

Well, Bugger Me Senseless!

It's 1816 Again!

The Limeys Didn't Really Think This Thing Through, Did They?

Blimey! What A Cockup!

There Will Always Be An England...Maybe.

What A Sad Country This Is

Every day, in America, people are shot and killed. Every single day.

Sometimes in large numbers.

Men, women, black, white, brown, young and old, straight and gay.

Children, for Christ's sake.

All human beings.

Some of these shootings are "accidental". Whatever that means.

I mean, somebody bought the gun. Was that the "accident"?

Of course, we will never get rid of all guns. Because, uh, Jesus? And that part of the Second Amendment that people like to quote. Not the entire Amendment, not the "well regulated" part.

But what about assault rifles?

No hunter needs what is essentially a military weapon. And no sane person needs one for self-defense.

But apparently some of us still believe that they do.

America is perhaps most exceptional in the weirdness, some might call it madness, of our people.

Therefore, I suppose it should come as no surprise that a lunatic is running for President and no one bats an eye. In fact, his supporters--a proven majority of his party--revel in his lunacy. And rabid gun lovin' is a large part of their lunacy.

I'm constantly reminded that the solutions to some of our problems are really very simple.

And yet we do nothing.

That's what is really sad.

Ship of Fools, or: What Republicans Believe

A lot of rubbish about rugged individualism and self-made men.

And how much the Founding Fathers loved them some Jesus.

And how slavery wasn't really so bad.

And how the poor deserve their poverty.

And how government isn't the solution, government is the problem.

And how war is better than diplomacy.

And how bible stories are always superior to science.

And how the Bible supersedes the Constitution--except when it doesn't. Like that "thou shall not kill" nonsense.

And how the Second Amendment is the only one that matters.
 
Of course, the truth is somewhat different.

Here's the deal: America, the bestest country there ever was or ever could be, was built with stolen land and slave labor.

The fight to give labor a decent wage and safe conditions was the greatest achievement of the Progressive era. It created the American Middle Class--the true engine of capitalism, the envy of the world--which the Republican Party has spent the last 35 years destroying, brick by brick.

Because, you know, unions!

Racism, despite what a majority of the Supreme Court seemed to believe, still exists, as is evident every time a cop guns down an unarmed person of color. Or some asshole waves a Confederate flag.

And competent government is the only thing protecting most of us from the death dealing beneficence of unfettered free market capitalism.

Facts are heartless things...they don't care whether you believe in them or not. They continue to exist, whatever.

Foreigners' Travel Advisory

So, you're thinking of traveling to the United States!

We welcome you with open arms!

This is the Land of the Free and the Home of the Brave!

Enjoy our purple mountains majesty. Enjoy our fruited plains.

Enjoy our triple cheeseburgers. Enjoy our Kardashians.

But please respect our culture.

And always remember, our right to indiscriminate slaughter is one of our most sacred rights.

Make that our most right.

Guns everywhere and guns for everyone!

So, wherever you go in our exceptional land, whether school, mall, nightclub, or even house of worship, there's a good possibility that some moody loner-religious nut-psycho-aggrieved patriot may shoot you.

And there's nothing we care to do about it. So don't even ask.

It's just the way we are...

Welcome to the USA! Enjoy your stay!

The Flim Flam Men

"The Republican platform and policies are so obviously correct and right for America that they can only win elections by cheating and/or lying."

Huh? What? Those things shouldn't be in the same sentence, should they?

Well, logically they shouldn't...But as a practical matter they have to be.

There can be no other explanation for what we observe every day, all around us.

As soon as the Republicans gain control of a state's legislature, they immediately start trying to suppress as many voters who lean towards the Democrats as possible.

Whether by gerrymandering, complicating the registration process, shortening the voting period, or simply by not having enough polling stations in minority districts, they do everything they can to insure that Democrats will have a hard time voting.

And if a few of their own constituents also suffer, well, all the better for their cover story.

The Republican Party is afraid of open, fair elections.

The Republican Party fears that it cannot win an open, fair election.

Therefore, they will lie and cheat and steal to win.

And since they have no interest in governing, it really doesn't matter if their candidates are incompetent fools.

All that matters is winning.

The Art Of The Scam

From P.T. Barnum, to H.L. Mencken's "booboisie", right up to Nixon's "silent majority" the one consistent thing about our great nation is that there really is a sucker born every minute.

And so, Trump.

And his, uh, "University".

Since, in America, money is the only true measure of all men, then naturally there are a lot of people looking to get rich quickly and by whatever means necessary.

Enter Trump and his spiel:

Listen to ME! Follow MY advice! I am THE ONE!

Of course, advice like MINE doesn't come cheap. So, do whatever you have to do to afford the bounty of MY wisdom.

If that means charging up $40-50,000 in credit card debt, well, that's a small price to pay to be like ME!

Do you want to be a loser? No, of course not. You want to be a winner like ME!

Follow ME and prosper!

Somewhere, P.T. Barnum is laughing.

Now, if El Trumpo were honest, hahahaha, he would tell them the true secret to his "fantastic" wealth:

First, inherit 200 million bucks from your dad. This is the key!

Then, also inherit his business contacts, his Mob contacts, and his political contacts.

And remember--if things get rough, you can always go bankrupt and leave somebody else holding the bag!

If you can just follow these simple rules, then you too can be a success like Donald Trump!

Possible Trump Vice Presidents: The Short List

That "Hey Vern" guy. To appeal to low information voters. Oh, we've already got them in the bag? Never mind.

Sarah Palin. Call it an insurance policy. Besides, I would look very presidential by comparison.

Rush Limbaugh. See above.

Bill O'Reilly. He's a really smart guy. Just ask him.

Charlize Theron. Melania isn't getting any younger.

Ben Carson. I like the blacks. The blacks like me. Plus, he's a doctor--in case I need a prescription for something.

Eva Longoria. Just found out Charlize isn't a US citizen! Anyway, the Hispanics love me! This will make them love me more!

Somebody who knows something about government. Maybe we should have a contest!

Every Boy Needs A Mentor

Lil Dougie Ducey needed a mentor.

Sure, he'd made some money selling overpriced ice cream confections.

But he had so much more to offer the public!

He desperately wanted to be heard!

He desperately wanted to be a part of the solution!

He desperately wanted to be Governor of the benighted state of Arizona!

But how?

Fortunately, there were two kind older gentlemen, Dave and Chuckie Koch, who were looking for someone just like Dougie!

He was their kind of guy. Earnest, eager to learn, and not too bright. Let's call it malleable.

So they gave him guidance.

And millions and millions of untraceable dollars.

And lo and behold, Doug "Cup Or Wafflecone?" Ducey became the Governor of Arizona!

Say Anything

You gotta hand it to Das Trumpo.

He can really read a room.

He looks out at his typical crowd of sad, broken, delusional, angry, mouth breathers.

These are trusting people who have voted for Republicans for years and never gotten a goddamn thing from the Party of Lincoln--except lies regarding how the black and brown people are stealing from them. Oh, and the occasional war to thin out the herd. All the while, the rich get richer...

And Trump tells them what they want to hear.

How it's not their fault! How they're going to be winners! The biggest, yoogest winners ever! He's gonna build them a wall! He's gonna round up those murdering, raping Mexicans! And then things will be all right again! The good jobs will come back! They'll have all the money! They'll be in charge!

ISIS? He knows how to deal with them! Climate change? All a liberal plot! China? Make a better deal! Abortion? Punish the women! No! Punish the doctors! No! Punish somebody! Yay!

Like any carny barker worth his salt, Trump knows that all you really have to say is,

"Step right up! Everybody's a winner!"

Mostly, We Are Afraid Of The Wrong Things

Right now, for instance, we are supposed to be afraid of transvestites, or transsexuals, or Transylvanians, in the rest rooms.

This is so stupid, that I'm not going to comment on it further.

We're also supposed to be deathly afraid of Muslims. You are much more likely to be killed by a gun lovin', road raging, All American cracker, than you are by a Muslim.

If you listen to the Republican candidate--or any Republican candidate, for that matter--white Americans are in existential danger from "the other". "Them". And "them" usually means non-whites.

Now, I understand the karmic appeal of that reasoning.

After all, what goes around sometimes does come around.

And White Americans do have a lot to answer for.

But still...

There are more than enough existential threats without making shit up.

Unlimited money in politics is an existential threat to democracy. One party whole heartedly supports it.

Climate change is an existential threat to mankind. And the latest data show that it is happening much faster than we thought. One party denies that it even exists.

One party spends its time sniffing around public restrooms. One party tries to insert itself into women's most personal issues. One party has chosen a compulsively lying, fraudulent, loose cannon egomaniac as its presidential candidate.

One party does whatever it can to make sure that government does not work for everyone.

You should probably be afraid that the "government does not work" party might one day control every branch of our government.

Rats Swimming Towards A Burning Ship

The SS Trump (funny how Trump and SS go together, ain't it?) is a smoldering mass of burning shit...

And yet it's still yooge and wonderful and beautiful and the best!

And that's why it is attracting so many...oh... let's say rats!

And I don't mean the cute ones like in Ratatouille, either.

I mean the Plague carrying kind.

The latest vermin to jump on board is Sheldon "Shelly The Red Dye Job" Adelson.

Shelly is a noted supporter of all things Israel (well, all right wing Zionist things Israel) and a casino owner of some renown. His Macau casino is under investigation for bribery, and his Las Vegas casino is full of scabs, but Shelly stills makes a lot of money, and that's all that counts. Right? Right!

Shelly joins other noted vermin including Arizona Sheriff Joe "Get The Mexicans!" Arpaio, former Arizona Governor Jan "Why Yes I Am Delusional" Brewer, and New Jersey Governor Chris "Pass The Donuts" Christie on the poop deck of the flaming Trump.

Though steerage is starting to fill up with various KKK Klowns, other White Supremacists, xenophobes, misogynists, homophobes, gun nutz, climate change deniers, lunatic butlers, and the rest of the Republican base there are still luxury first class cabins reserved for GOP movers and shakers.

It's a very large ship, in fact it is yooge, and there's still plenty of room for more. Bring your checkbook!

A Really Successful Liar...

...sticks with the lie.

That's it? It sounds too simple.

Oh, but it's harder than it sounds. Most people will fold under pressure--especially when they're caught in a lie.

But your really successful liar doesn't fold. If anything, he or she doubles down.

Look at an expert: Kim Philby, one of the Cambridge spies. Fucker was suspected years before he was caught. But he didn't fold. In fact, he was so indignant and adamant about his innocence that the Brits figured he must be telling the truth. As a result, he got to keep on lying for a long time.

So Donald J. Trump, nee Drumpf, he of the short fingers and vulgarity, persists with lie after lie after lie...

He's gotten away with fabrications and falsehoods for so long. Maybe he believes them. Maybe he doesn't. At this point that doesn't really matter. 

It doesn't matter too his true believers, either...which is sort of the point.

No, to be a really successful liar, all that matters is that you stick with the lie come hell or high water.

Pigs Fly

We've all witnessed this at some time in our lives.

Guy is in a bar, or at work, or some family thing.

Guy is being a boorish, loud, ass-clown.

Just when you think he can't get any worse...he gets worse.

Saying and doing stupid, repulsive, outlandish stuff.

Crazy stuff.

Then...he goes just a little too far...

It gets real quiet. And suddenly, the ass-clown realizes, if only briefly, what he's doing.

And he stops. He may even reverse his course, at least momentarily. Might even apologize. But I wouldn't hold my breath.

Now, he's still an ass-clown at heart. And he always will be.

But, just for an instant, he did or said the right thing.

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the Arizona State Legislature and their abrupt change of course regarding KidsCare.

Wonder of wonders, they did the right thing!!!!!

And all it took was the loud disgust of, well, practically everyone else in the state.

Not to worry though. They will soon be back to their usual business of fucking over students, the poor, and minorities.

Because while pigs may sometimes fly, they're still pigs.

Same Old Same Old

So the goodly, God fearing Republicans who control the Arizona legislature have labored mightily on the state's budget, and decided the best course of action is to, big surprise here, fuck over the weakest amongst us.

There will be no help from the great state of Arziona for poor, sick children. Just not economically feasible--even though the Feds pay for it. It sends the wrong message. It's a matter of principle, dammit!

Really, the decision wasn't that hard...

See, kids can't vote, after all. And poor people don't contribute to political campaigns. And poor kids...well, you can see where this is going.

So...it was a no brainer.

(Fill in your own joke here about Arizona Republicans and "no brains")

Now, if you ask these goodly, God fearing people, they would happily, and no doubt loudly, proclaim their Christian beliefs.

Which should make you want to VOMIT.

Anyway, don't expect our esteemed governor, Doug "Cup or Wafflecone" Ducey, who is to all appearances a wholly owned subsidiary of the Koch Brothers, to do anything about this.

Because if there's one thing Doug Ducey knows, it's which side his white bread is buttered on.

The Dream Team

So loser Ted Cruz thinks having other loser Carly Fiorina as a running mate on his hypothetical ticket will attract...what exactly?

Fiorina, of course, was a giant of industry, who laid off 30,000 employees, nearly wrecked "her" company, and yet famously floated away on a golden parachute woven from many millions of Yankee Greenbacks and the tears of the terminated.

She also has a chronic habit of telling lies, lies and more lies...

Come to think of it, that makes her a nearly perfect Republican.

Teddy Boy is a truly despicable human being, one of those religious hypocrites who wrap themselves in Jesus at the drop of a hat, a dime store Machiavelli with the charm of a snake oil salesman.

Since almost everybody in D.C. hates him, and with good reason, he's looking for something, anything, to give his slumping campaign a little bump.

And he must think that having Carly by his side will help push him past The Great and Powerful Trumpo and his horde of "low information" followers.

I'm sorry, but while it is true that Ted and Carly were made for each other, I'm afraid that boat has sailed...

However, there is still time to get a reality series out of this thing.

How does The Laughable Candidates of the GOP sound?

Somebody call BRAVO!

The State Where I Live...

Thinks it would be a good idea to mine uranium close to the Grand Canyon.

Also thinks it would be a good idea to build condos by the Canyon, because natural wonders are assets and all assets need to be monetized, don't ya know?

Cuts taxes and hopes for the best.

Had its last state wide election decided almost entirely by Dark Money. Lots and lots of it for such a minor state. So dark corporate money decided who would be on the commission that regulates corporations. Beautiful!

Won't do anything to stop the flow of Dark Money. Because, you know, money is speech and speech is protected by the Constitution! Plus, everybody likes money! The more the merrier.

Cuts taxes and hopes for the best.

Vilifies the weakest among us. And yet couldn't function from day to day without them.

Attracts the kind of employers who pay subsistence wages with no benefits.

Cuts taxes and hopes for the best.

Elected an ice cream salesman to be governor (with the help of lots of Dark Money, of course!) Because, you know, free enterprise/run government like a business!

Screws the public schools on a daily basis, year in and year out.  And then blames the teachers for the problem.

Cuts taxes and hopes for the best.

Had to be sued to force the state to adequately fund the public schools.

Is currently exploring ways to steal from itself to pay this debt to the public schools. Rather, of course, than simply raising taxes.

Because, well, you know...

Cuts taxes and hopes for the best!

He Promises!

If I've correctly decoded the latest campaign memos from Trump Inc, Donald J "promises" that he won't be an asshole--if he's elected.

He will, instead, be Presidential.

As if by magic.

The trouble is, quite simply, that Donald J. Trump has been an asshole his entire life. You can look it up.

And a leopard don't change his spots.

I've been in plays where actors "promised" that they would know their lines by opening night. So there was nothing to worry about.

Oh sure, rehearsals would be a disaster, and all the other actors would be thrown in the process, but come the opening, everything will be great!

Every single time, the director replaced the actor well before opening night.

Because you should never believe an asshole when he says he will change.

Never.

The Incredibly Fragile Ego Of Donald J. Trump

I guess we should blame his parents.

Here's what appears to be a grown man. All dressed up in a very expensive suit (that almost fits him).

But he's still really just a child.

A spoiled, angry, egomaniacal child.

He's always the "smartest" "best"  "yoogest" "a winner".

These are the ravings of a spoiled brat.

Trying desperately to get Mater and Pater's attention. Dying for it.

"Look at me! Look at me! Pay attention to me! Please?!"

And if he's challenged on anything, anything, he balls up his tiny fists and throws a tantrum.

He wants to hit whatever annoys him.

Like an angry baby.

It's pathetic.

But what is even more pathetic is that The Big Baby has attracted millions of followers.

Delusional imbeciles who would have as the leader of the most powerful nation on earth a spoiled angry brat with his tiny fingers on the nuclear button.

Signor Baseball's 2016 AL Preview

My God, it's Tax Day!!! The jack booted thugs are at the door, and...OK, deep breath. Now, let's put this ugliness aside for a moment, try to forget all those corporations that spend countless hours avoiding paying their fair share, and ponder instead the fate of the junior circuit.

The AL East is made up of 5 slightly above average teams. Any one of them could win. Any one of them could crash and burn.

Toronto scores runs like a beer league softball team. But their starting pitching isn't particularly imposing. If it were, they'd run away with the division. Boston was way down last year and they usually bounce back. They've added an ace and if they get their normal offensive output they'll be alright. On the other hand, they've relegated a couple of hundred million bucks to sitting on the bench...Baltimore may have passed its window of opportunity, but with no clearly superior team ahead of them, who knows? They can score a lot of runs, and if their pitching holds up...? Nah. In New York, I wouldn't expect the Yanks' aging stars to get any better. And their ace is always one pitch away from elbow surgery. I guess you could say that about any pitcher these days, though. Again, they don't have to be "great" to compete in this division. However, staying reasonably healthy is a must. Once again Tampa will play pretty solid baseball before mostly empty seats. The more things change...You know, with all those Cubans down there you'd think both Florida teams would have no problem attracting fans. But I guess the younger ones don't care and the older ones are still too busy plotting the overthrow of Castro to bother with baseball.

In the Central it looks like a Kansas City dynasty is taking root. Although it should be noted that if the Mets had been able to make a couple of routine plays, the Royals would be 2 time losers in the World Series. Still, their everyday lineup is the best in the division and that bullpen usually covers the weaknesses of their starters. Cleveland and Detroit should stay close. The Indians have the arms and the Tigers have the bats. Now, if Justin Verlander can overcome what might be Kate Upton Related Fatigue (and really, who can blame him?) and regain his Cy Young form, then the Tigers will give the Royals a good run for the money. Minnesota is a sleeper here. If their young talent lives up to the hype...Which is the biggest kind of "if" in any sport. And the White Sox, with or without a "kids free" clubhouse, will turn a lot of Chicagoans into Cubs' fans this year.

Out West, I'm taking Seattle to surprise everyone. Why? No idea. Call it a hunch. Or too much chardonnay and not enough sleep. Houston is probably the smart pick, but because of my fear of a Cubs/Astros World Series, which is one of the first signs of End Times, I'm eschatologically opposed to choosing the 'stros. The Rangers and Angels, despite having a handful of all stars between them, look like also rans this year. However, if Yu Darvish comes back and Cole Hamels has a big year, Texas has a better chance to compete than the Los Angeles/Anaheim/Inland Empire/OrangeCounty ballchuckers do. Mike Trout may be the best all around player in the sport, but this ain't basketball and one super dooper star doesn't guarantee anything. That leaves the Billy Ballers in Oakland. Unless I'm greatly mistaken, anything and anyone of value will be available by late July. Having no money will do that to you. Besides, the A's just love to rebuild every couple of years. Don't they?

Signor Baseball's 2016 NL Preview

Time to temporarily put away childish things...like Trump and Cruz and super delegates and all those millionaires and billionaires cheating on their taxes, and think for a moment about something important.

NL East: It has perhaps occurred to some of us that Bryce Harper is not as good as Bryce Harper thinks Bryce Harper is...or is that simply a clown conjecture? Anyway, what are we, Bryce Harper included, without our aspirations? The Nationals aspire to not be such a huge letdown, yet again. Matt Williams was not particularly good at his job, so now it's Dusty Baker's turn to be disappointed by all that talent. The Mets retain superior pitching and a couple of bats, and if they can stop shooting themselves in the foot, as they did throughout the World Series, and nobody's arm falls off, always a big "if", they should be the class of this division. Down Miami way, repeat after me "worst owner in baseball, worst owner in baseball". We will see if Don Mattingly can manage a team with a payroll under 200 mil. But who knows, they have a knack for turning up young talent, Giancarlo Stanton is beast if healthy, and maybe Barry Bonds will spread some pharmaceutical magic and the Marlins will ride his pixie dust into contention. The Braves, as always, are solid, but not nearly good enough to win this division. The Phillies are in complete tear it down and start over mode. Which is fine, because booing is a Philadelphia sports fan's automatic default mode anyway.

The NL Central presents the unsettling proposition that the Cubs are now the team to beat. Can this be?  Yes, Virginia, it can. And it would be great if they could finally win the pennant and the Series and we could finally stop hearing about the curse of the billy goat, and all the other miseries that have befallen Chicago since 1908. I don't think that's going to happen this year, but they should win the Central at least. Unless, of course, the pressure of being the presumptive favorite is too much for them. The Cardinals and Pirates will be right behind them should they falter. St. Louis, ho hum, is again very, very good. Year in and year out, not unlike the San Antonio Spurs. Although lately they seem to be snake bitten injury wise. And, at best, the poor Pirates look destined to play another one game Wild Card playoff. Maybe they can win one...some day. The Brewers and Reds bring up the rear. I'd look for fire sales from both of them come mid Summer. Frankly, states that elect the likes of Scott Walker and John Kasich really deserve no more.

Out in the NL West, the Diamondbacks look like a real baseball team for the first time in awhile, and many much wiser folks than I have predicted big things from them this year. Unfortunately, their skeevy owners have decided to extort the locals into turning over the public trough--or else! Just another Give Us More--Or We Will Leave punk move by a group of very wealthy white men. Sound familiar? So, I wish ruin upon them and pick, ho hum, LA or SF to win the division. Even without Greinke, the Dodgers are still loaded and it's an even year, which recently has meant 'the Giants win the pennant! The Giants win the pennant! The Giants win the pennant!' Down San Diego way, there's a Nobu real close to Padres' Petco Field. So they've got that going for them...And up in Colorado, the Rockies can have all the legal Mary Jane they can get their hands on...win or mostly lose, it's all good, bro!

PS if you had Jordan Spieth in the Quadruple Bogey pool, you're a winner!

Welcome to West Kansas

Ya gotta give it to Arizona's Governor, Doug "Cup Or Wafflecone?" Ducey.

He can follow a plan!

ALEC and the Koch Brothers tell him what to do, and by golly, he does it. After all, he's already been bought and paid for, so he better deliver if he knows what's good for him.

What we see happening in Arizona is an almost exact duplicate of what's happened in Kansas.

A little something I like to call Modern Reactionary Republicanism Run Wild.

Now, if you keep up with current events you know that Kansas is a fucking disaster zone.

That's a fact.

And it's all because of the Republicans who control that state's government.

Their only goal is to cut taxes to "starve the beast" and put a few more dollars in their rich backers' pockets.  So public services fall apart, including education. And, of course, the economic miracles that are supposed to result from cutting taxes never happen.

But "facts" have no place in today's GOP.

And Republicans are incapable of learning from their mistakes.

With time and repetition tragedy becomes farce.

So welcome to West Kansas, er, I mean Arizona!

Ooops...

Wouldn't it be funny if Il Trumpo was done in for saying out loud what is essentially the logical next step in the Republican position on abortion?

After all the other stupid shit he's said?!

That insane crap about Mexicans and Muslims and the Middle East and building walls and China and the whole world laughing at us and "birtherism" and nuclear weapons and every piece of offensive, idiotic nonsense he's burbled in the last few months...

That was all OK. After all, anything to attack the black president is OK.

But voicing what many pro-lifers must truly believe?

Oops.

I say "truly believe" because abortion is "murder" to them. And there must be punishment for "murder". Ask all those fire breathing, frothing at the mouth, fundamentalist pastors that support Ted Cruz.

Somebody has to pay!

So they applaud or look the other way when women's clinics are fire bombed and doctors murdered.

And they create ridiculous laws to hamper the whole process of abortion.

Which, the last time I checked, was a right protected by the Constitution.

Oh, I forgot! Republicans get to pick and choose which parts of the Constitution, and laws in general, that they follow. Because, uh...Jesus?

Therefore, based on their line of reasoning, it only makes sense that there should be some form of punishment for the women who participate in these "murders".

Unless it's a Republican woman who gets an abortion...

But that would never happen, would it?

The Republican Party Really Would Prefer That Some Of You Do Not Vote

If you're a white male with property, fine.

Go ahead and vote!

That's what God, and our scared Constitution, originally intended.

But women...? Well, see, women are irrational beings. They have the "menses" you know? And since they can't even be trusted with control over their own bodies, why would you trust them to vote?

Let's compromise: women can vote ONLY if they vote like their husbands. Their white male husbands with property, that is.

As for your lesser races...well...NO.

Sorry.

What about poor whites? Just like the wimmenfolks, they can vote--but only if they vote exactly like their betters.

See, democracy doesn't have to be so messy, after all!

A Closer Look At The Republican Contenders

Trump? Cruz? Kasich?

No sane person would want any of these clowns anywhere near the Oval office.

Not the tiny fisted, carny barker megalomaniac, not the hyper religious, gun worshiping, snake oil salesman, and no, not even the one who seems almost reasonable compared to the other two, but down deep is just another reactionary hack.

And yet, there are millions of Americans of voting age who are seriously considering voting for them.

So, we are forced to confront the fact that many millions of Americans are simply out of their minds.

They know nothing of history. They have no concept of truth and fiction. They live in a fact free zone.

Their big issues are abortions, guns, religion, and immigration.

Oh, yeah, and an all encompassing fear and hatred of "the other".

They are dead certain that the brown people are getting away with something.

And if only "we" could stop them, everything would be fine and we could go back to our idyllic Mayberry past.

They truly madly deeply believe this shit!

And here's the kicker: Republican controlled states across this great land of ours have spent the last decade figuring out new and better ways to rig elections. Whether by simple gerrymandering or outright voter suppression they have made it harder and harder for Democrats to vote.

Be afraid. Be very afraid.

The Poor Can Never Be Made To Suffer Enough (part 785)

So out here Arizona way, the esteemed Republican members of our Legendary Legislature, including towering statesmen like David Gowan, John Kavanagh, Steve Montenegro, and J.D. Mesnard, have decided to allow those poor suffering bastards known collectively as "the poor" to borrow money at up to 200% interest.

Why? Well, to help them, of course!

No word yet on whether Governor Cup or Waffle Cone will sign or veto this aid to Loan Sharks charitable act.

Gee, I wonder which way he's leaning...

You know, if you really want to "help" the poor you could do any number of things:

Raise the minimum wage, fully fund public education, support labor unions, do away with that "right to work" crap, restore all the cuts to AHCCCS, start prosecuting employers who exploit immigrant labor, quit giving tax cuts to the rich while cutting services to the people who need them most...you know, stuff like that.

Things that might actually help the poor.

But I guess it's just easier to fuck them over when they're desperate for cash, right?

Right!

I mean, that's the Christian thing to do, right?

Right!

A Fool And His Money...

...is the raison d'etre of the modern Republican Tea Party.

See, like any snake oil salesman or carny barker worth his salt knows, you can tell fools anything.

Anything!

And there's a very good chance that they will believe you, AND give you some money.

Deep Stupid is a beautiful thing.

Ask Wayne LaPierre. Ask Ted Cruz. Ask Mike Huckabee. Ask...

Ask any Republican.

Ask any televangelist.

Some very, very wealthy people have already pissed away over $200 million on failed 2016 Republican presidential candidates.

Rubio, Walker, Fiorina, Perry, Bush, Carson, Paul--a real Murderer's Row of Incompetence.

Think about that. All that dough and nothing to show for it.

And yet, they keep on giving...why?

Well, the one thing all these losers have in common is that they promised not to raise taxes on the donor class.

Come hell or high water our cherished billionaires will not have to pay a penny more. Let the country's infrastructure fall apart, let the water and air be poisoned, let the public schools fail, let the poor starve and the sick die, not one penny more.

In fact, those fabulous "makers" deserve a tax cut, don't ya know.

So of course they keep giving.

After all, what's a few hundred million when there are trillions at stake?

Bumperstickers For Potential Republican Presidential Candidates

Since the average Republican's attention span is very short, it's extremely important for all Republican candidates to have short, pithy, easily remembered, bumpersticker length, catch phrases to sear into their fans' tiny little brains:

Trump: I'll Keep The Darkies In Line!

Cruz: Rush Loves Me!

Kasich: I'm Still In This Thing, Right?

Trump: Heads Will Roll!

Cruz: Jesus Loves Me, Too!

Kasich: I'm Here If You Need Me!

Trump: You Think Keeping All These Lies Straight Is Easy? Ha!

And who can forget, try as we might, the also rans:

Rubio: Help! I've Repeatedly Fallen And I Can't Get Up!
Jeb: Remember All The Fun We Had When A Bush Was President?!
Christie: If A Morbidly Obese Lying Bully Is What You Want, I'm Your Man!
Carson: I'm An Idiot. Vote For Me and You Can Be An Idiot Too!
Carly: Golden Parachutes For Everybody!

But of course, for the true blue believers there is only one who touches the blackest corner of their hearts:

Trump: No, Really, I'll Keep the Darkies In Line!

There Is No Truth To--

--the rumor that they'll start handing out brown shirts at Trump rallies. Most of these folks already have their white sheets and why confuse them further with wardrobe choices.

--the idea that Trump got multiple student deferments because he was, and is, essentially a chicken shit chicken hawk. No, the simple fact is that he realized early on that his life was worth much more than yours or mine. Therefore it would be criminal to waste it. Let the rabble serve and perhaps die.

--the crazy notion that the Trump salute is similar to the Nazi salute. It's just a, what do you call it? A coincidence.

--the scandalous lies that the family fortune was built on government contracts, his father was a racist who worked extra hard to keep black people out of his developments, his own Mob connections, his somewhat shaky record as a developer with multiple bankruptcies, and his fictitious net worth.

--the obvious slander that he attracts racists, bigots, xenophobes, political illiterates, outright morons, and their ilk. "Low information voters", white supremacists, the KKK, and stupid people in general have a right to express their political opinions without being attacked.

"Just Say No"

Nancy Reagan will be remembered for three things: her glassy-eyed adoration of her husband, that little red dress, and "just say no", her contribution to the war on drugs.

"Just say no."

As a simple, easy to remember catch phrase, sure.

As a drug policy, not so much.

But it was all we got from the Gipper and Mrs. Gipper.

And that was the 80's in nutshell:

Rich, comfortable, smugly clueless people telling the rest of us to "just say no."

As the CIA helped flood black neighborhoods with crack cocaine to fund Ronnie's illegal war against the Contras.

As thousands of people died from AIDS, a disease that neither of them acknowledged until one of their own, Rock Hudson, contracted it.

As American trained death squads wandered around Central America, killing any leftists they could find.

As the Republican Party began its systematic dismantling of the American Middle Class.

And all the while trillions of dollars disappeared into the waiting maws of defense contractors.

It was Nancy's reactionary father who turned dear, simple Ronnie from an FDR Democrat to a fire breathing, red baiting, FBI informant Republican.

Weep for Nancy Reagan's passing? Let her family do that.

The rest of us should...

"Just say no."

Pigs Of A Feather

There they were:

Il Trumpo and Jersey Fats on the same stage!

Trumpo, chin thrust out like a road company Mussolini, blathering away. Honestly, only an idiot would vote for this man.

And poor Chris Christie, visions of Krispy Kremes, and perhaps the Vice Presidency, dancing through his empty head, as he nodded and smiled behind his new boss.

Two bloated, pasty bullies pretending to be tough guys...

That much bullshit in one place. The smell must have been something.

Have You No Sense Of Decency, Sir?

Maybe it's just me, but if I were running for the presidency, and a bunch of white supremacists, including a former Grand Poobah of the KKK came out in favor of my candidacy, I might pause for a second and reflect:

Gee, what is it about me and my campaign that attracts such filth and scum?

And then, if I were a decent human being, and not a piece of filth and scum my own self, I would immediately renounce their support, saying something along the lines of "I don't want the support of racist scum."

But obviously Donald J. Trump sees things differently.

So he did a tap dance, a little number called "White supremacist? Gosh, I don't even know what that means. David Duke? Who's he? KKK? Hmmm. What about those Mexicans..."

And this is the favored candidate of a plurality of Republicans?

Res Ipsa Loquitur.

You Can Do This Or You Can Do That

You can go see Michael Moore's new documentary, Where To Invade Next, and see how intelligent, reasonable people deal with issues.

Or...

You can watch any Republican candidate talking, shouting, whining, et cetera, and see how panderers cajole drooling imbeciles into a mindless frenzy.

You choose.

Trump vs The Pope

I think the problem is fundamentally a theological one.

Pope Francis simply doesn't understand American Christianity.

Being a total asshole and yet still believing you're a good Christian is as American as apple pie.

Spurning the poor and weak, hating those who seem 'different', castigating the fallen, laughing at the suffering of others: these are all core values for many American Christians.

The amount of hatred they direct towards gays, for instance, is mind boggling.

Equally impressive is the amount of time their leaders spend on bilking the old, ill, or just weak minded out of every last penny. All for God's greater glory, of course.

After all, American Jesus ain't no wishy washy, love thy neighbor, socialist punk. American Jesus is a muscular, manly, free market, ass kicking stud!

The Pope just needs to spend more time with us, and then he'd see that Trump is representative of American Christianity in all of its magnificence.

The Voice Inside Jeb Bush's Head

"Why am I doing this? I hate this. They told me it would be easy. They told me it would be a slam dunk. We nominate you. You win the general. We're back in business! All that gerrymandering. All those rigged voting machines. Jeb, it's in the bag! It's in the bag. That's what they said.

Now, here I am. Behind three clowns. No. Four clowns. Jesus Christ. Who am I ahead of? Anybody?

And I have to ask my goddamn big brother, who is, let's face it, an idiot, to help me. Because why? Because people like him? Like him? Do any of you morons remember the glorious W years? Any of you? I say this with all the brotherly love I can muster. My big bro is an epic fuck-up. Sometimes I really regret stealing Florida for him in 2000. Because he fucking poisoned the well for me. He and Cheney.

But now, I'm married to him. I have to pretend the Iraq War was a great idea. I have to pretend that somebody else was President on 9-11. Is it any wonder I don't seem too enthused? Is it any wonder I don't have that 'fire in the belly'? Remember 'Mission Accomplished'? Try dragging that around with you. Yup, that's my brother's gift to me.

And my Mom. 'We've had enough Bushes.' Thanks Ma. Thanks loads. That was a great way to kick off my campaign. Good to know where I rate in this family.

Four clowns. Trump, Cruz, that ungrateful little prick Rubio, and the black guy. Sleepytime. What's his name? Carson? Supposed to be a doctor or something. Fuck.

So here I am down in Dixie, begging a bunch of inbred mouth breathers who are still whining about the Civil War to please, please, vote for me, y'all.

OK. We'll let it play out. There's still a few million bucks to blow through, after all. And if the good voters of the Republican Party decide they want that gasbag Trump, that oily serpent Cruz, or those other guys more than me, then fine. Just fine.

Why am I doing this? I hate this."

Some Thoughts On The Death Of Antonin Scalia

Whoopee! Good! About time!

What's that? Oh, don't speak ill of the dead, is it?

That's not really a rule, though.

It's more like a guideline. And besides, it's not in the Constitution, and we all know what a strict original intent guy Nino was...so...

Besides, when a true rat bastard prick passes, all the rules and guidelines go out the window.

Don't worry. There will be rivers of tear filled epitaphs from the usual conservative suspects.

About how wise he was, and what a defender of the "true meaning" of the Constitution.

Somehow, in all his "wisdom", he almost always managed to rule for the powerful against the weak.

Gosh, what are the odds of that happening?

The man was a bigoted SOB, but at least he knew which side his bread was buttered on.

Whatever brilliance he may have possessed, and that's open to debate, was seldom used for the good
of the majority.

He and his like minded brethren on the Supreme Court have done more to harm this country than any other justices in our history.

So, fuck Antonin Scalia.

Gee, that seems a little harsh, so for the sensitive religious types among you, how about burn in Hell, Nino...

For eternity...